3.10 Show Me the Monkey
Teleplay by: John Enbom and Robert Hull
Story by: John Enbom
Directed by: Nick Marck
Original Air Date: 23 January, 2007
Transcribed by Inigo.
Last edited: 27 January, 2007
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars...
Professor Landry and Mindy O'Dell kiss in the hotel room at the Neptune Grand in 309 "Spit and Eggs." At home, Veronica is telling Keith all about it.
VERONICA: Dean O'Dell's wife is cheating on him with Dr. Landry, my criminology professor.
At Hearst College, the dean is gutted to see Keith waiting for him in the hallway.
VERONICA: [offscreen] Are you going to tell him?
KEITH: [offscreen] You know the rules, honey. I have to.
Weevil enters the dean's office and finds him slumped over his keyboard, a bullet hole in his temple. Cut to Veronica and Mac in the crowd at the Take Back the Night Rally in 301 "Welcome Wagon."
MAC: The shrink asked if a lifetime without a libido is such a bad thing. I think she's given up on me.
VERONICA: You just need more time.
Logan breaks up with Veronica in 309 "Spit and Eggs."
LOGAN: Yeah, I think we can take a tough but survivable amount of pain now or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later, so I vote for the pain now.
Logan walks away from Veronica. End previously.
INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY.
Veronica is at her desk in the main office, sliding a letter into a manila folder.
VERONICA: You should hire someone to do this.
Keith is sitting on the small couch, a box file in front of him.
KEITH: Hey, you're lucky I'm not a farmer. You'd be out ploughing a field.
Veronica pauses to gaze at another manila folder.
VERONICA: What is manila anyway?
Keith rises from the couch, picking up the box file to carry to his office.
KEITH: I don't know. Is it a substance, a colour maybe? "In the kitchen, we'll do a nice manila."
VERONICA: I'd say more like, "by the time we dug him up, he turned manila."
KEITH: Don't you have to get to class?
VERONICA: On my way.
Veronica taps at the keyboard.
VERONICA: Oh, and Wikipedia says: "Not a what, but a where, called 'manila' after hemp from the Philippines."
Veronica rises from the desk, grabbing her bag and shutting the lid of the laptop. She freezes at the sound of steps and sight of the person making them.
VERONICA: Oh. Good morning.
It's Mindy O'Dell, who walks towards her desk slowly. Keith, unaware of her presence, calls out to Veronica as he exits his office to join his daughter at her desk.
KEITH: Guess that would explain why this filing was giving me a killer buzz.
He sees Veronica's look and turns to see Mindy.
KEITH: Oh. Can I help you, Mrs. O'Dell?
MINDY: I hope so, Mr. Mars.
KEITH: Please, come in.
Keith gestures to his office and Mindy walks into it. He and Veronica share a curious look as Keith follows and closes the door behind them. After gazing after them for a brief moment, Veronica heads out of the office. In Keith's office, Mindy is settled in the chair opposite Keith's desk.
MINDY: My husband didn't kill himself.
KEITH: [gently] What makes you think that?
MINDY: Because I know my husband.
KEITH: Mrs. O'Dell, I saw him that night. He had just learned of your infidelity. He was drinking heavily.
MINDY: Well, it was in him to sulk, to divorce me, even, but he would never in a million years kill himself over me.
KEITH: The sheriff ruled it a suicide six weeks ago. Why come to me now?
MINDY: Honestly? Money. As his death was ruled a suicide, his life insurance is denying benefits. I'm a widow with two children to take care of.
KEITH: You told Mr. O'Dell you were at a junior league meeting the night he died.
MINDY: Are you asking for my alibi?
KEITH: If it is a murder, you'll be asked for it repeatedly. Your husband implied that your junior league nights were a cover for your affair with Professor Landry.
MINDY: I was with Hank...all night. Look, I didn't kill Cyrus, Keith. Neither did Hank Landry. But someone did.
KEITH: Well, let me dig around. If I find anything, I'll take the case.
MINDY: Thank you.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LAB - DAY.
Mac walks into a darkened lab room. The place looks like it has been tossed. Empty cages litter the room. Two students in white coats are crouched on the floor, starting to clear up the mess.
MAC: Wow, this is one trashed lab. All that's missing is a big hole in the wall shaped like the Hulk.
Mac chuckles, but her smile fades as the students stare at her, not amused.
MAC: Somebody called tech support?
PAULINE: I did.
The female student rises and points to the side of the room where the computer is, leading Mac towards it.
PAULINE: We had a break-in. Our computer was sabotaged, and it's dead. There's a year's worth of research on that hard drive. Our professor will have med students practicing autopsies on us.
GIL THOMAS: Professor McGregor has to understand it's not our fault.
Gil Thomas glances at his colleague, who is glaring at him.
GIL THOMAS: I locked up, Pauline.
MAC: Do you have a backup?
PAULINE: Yeah. He's gone, too.
MAC: Your backup's a he?
GIL THOMAS: Twenty-five, our research monkey.
Gil Thomas points to an empty cage behind him. He shuts the door of the cage.
GIL THOMAS: He is the research. Even if you save the hard drive, without Twenty-five, the whole project is dead.
PAULINE: And we'll be dead, too, if McGregor finds out we lost him. Who do you go to, to find a stolen monkey and twenty control-group rats?
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY.
Veronica is sitting at one of the tables, playing with her food listlessly. She is staring at Logan who is standing at one of the food outlets. He is glancing around, but doesn't appear to have seen her.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Logan Echolls, don't you get it? Ex-boyfriend. That's your new title. It comes with certain restrictions.
Logan starts walking out of the Food Court, carrying his purchase.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: This is my Food Court time. You're not a breakfast person. You're not even an early-lunch kind of guy. Can't we just agree this is Veronica time?
Veronica's pity-party is interrupted.
Veronica looks up to see Mac, accompanied by the two students from the lab, still in their white coats.
VERONICA: And the people coming to take me away.
MAC: Veronica Mars, Pauline Elliott and Gil Thomas Pardy. They're missing a monkey.
GIL THOMAS: And twenty rats.
VERONICA: We're talking "monkey" as in...
MAC: "Touch my..."
PAULINE: It's not just any monkey.
VERONICA: Please tell me he plays piano.
Mac grins at this, although neither Pauline nor Gil Thomas appreciate Veronica's levity.
PAULINE: Twenty-five is a genetically altered capuchin monkey. Its uptake-inhibitor proteins have been coded to allow us to monitor cholesterol breakdown at a cellular level.
Pauline sighs at the realisation that this has not excited or motivated Veronica.
PAULINE: And he can play "Chopsticks."
Veronica grabs her tray, rises from the table and walks over to the bins.
VERONICA: Any idea who would want to nab...
She slides the tray contents into the bin and turns to face the group, who have followed her.
VERONICA: Um, what's his name again?
PAULINE: It's not a pet. We don't name them or wrap squeaky toys up for Christmas.
Veronica holds up her hands in a "mea culpa" apology.
PAULINE: His research ID number is twenty-five. Yes, I know exactly who stole him. It was those damn fat kids.
VERONICA: Because, I take it, monkeys are delicious? And, dude, "girth-challenged" is the preferred nomenclature.
GIL THOMAS: P-H-A-T. People for Humane Animal Treatment. They've done this kind of crap before. They liberated him and took a year's worth of research in the process. Please, this is our future. We need that monkey back.
EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY.
Veronica and Mac are walking across the campus.
MAC: I just can't wait for that moment when you're in a tree, going, "here, monkey, monkey," and holding out a banana, and then the branch breaks and hilarity ensues.
VERONICA: Ah, if there's hilarity, I charge extra. Think you can salvage anything off their hard drive?
MAC: Iffy. Looks like someone poured something on it.
Veronica comes to a stop in front of one of the campus notice boards.
MAC: You've solved the case.
Veronica taps one of the posters.
VERONICA: PHAT is having a recruitment meeting tonight.
The poster Veronica is referring to reads as follows: "Attention Students: Hearst College Chapter of People for Humane Animal Treatment (P.H.A.T.) invites you to our spring semester orientation meeting, Wednesday, 8pm, Guyot Hall 310. We'll be presenting an informative slideshow covering the various ways in which mainstream corporations' abuse and mistreat animals. Their inhumane actions will never cease unless you, the public, demands respect and humane treatment for these animals." The notice is pinned on top of other posters, including a handwritten one regarding the "borrowing" of someone's car ("I will hunt you down...") and another "borrowed" from the World Can't Wait-Drive Out the Bush Regime Steering Committee statement read out at rallies around the country on October 5, 2006 and only bits of which can be seen: "In just the past year we have seen government spying bolted into law; Alito and Roberts installed in the Supreme Court, the Patriot Act passed again, theocratic ante-abortion and anti-gay laws spreading intolerance; war in Iraq more murderous; war on Lebanon approved and fuelled; war on Iran in preparation, torture legalized..."
VERONICA: Square one.
MAC: Want some company?
Veronica raises her brows, seen despite her sunglasses.
MAC: What? This soft spot here...
Mac gestures in the general direction of her heart.
MAC: It's for all creatures, great and small.
VERONICA: Okay, the more, the merrier. [with faux-excitement] All we need is one more angel, and we've got a show. I'll come by your room. Dress cruelty-free. We want to blend.
MAC: Got it. Off to class.
Mac walks off, leaving Veronica at the notice board. Veronica takes a last look then turns from the board. She walks straight past Keith, registering his presence with surprise. She doesn’t pause in her stride, but slides the sunglasses off her face. Keith follows her.
VERONICA: Hi. What are you doing here?
KEITH: Looking for you. I need to find Weevil.
VERONICA: You two palling around now?
KEITH: I need to ask him some questions. Mindy O'Dell doesn't think her husband killed himself, and Weevil found the body, so...
VERONICA: You think Dean O'Dell was murdered?
KEITH: Uh-uh. Not really. I think he had his heart broken and shot himself. I suspect his wife feels a tremendous amount of guilt.
VERONICA: So why take the case?
KEITH: I haven't yet. I'm checking it out.
VERONICA: Physical plant after 6:00.
Veronica, having put her sunglasses in their case and back in her bag, pulls out and glances at her cell phone.
VERONICA: How did you find me? My cell phone is not on.
KEITH: Maybe I'll tell you someday.
Keith passes behind her and goes on his way.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S DORM ROOM - DAY.
As Mac searches through her closet, Veronica is sitting on Mac's bed reading from the PHAT website.
VERONICA: According to the PHAT website, we should stay away from fur, obviously, down, leather...
MAC: The one day I feel like wearing a leather miniskirt.
VERONICA: If it ever had a face or parents, you can't wear it.
MAC: So my mollusc shoes are cool?
Mac pulls out an unattractive jumper and walks to the centre of the room, holding it up. Beyond her, Parker is sitting at her desk, reading. She looks up at the sweater.
MAC: Oh, does this say "cruelty-free"?
PARKER: It says, "I've given up. Don't look at me."
Before the doleful Mac has a chance to respond, there is a knock at the door. It opens to reveal a girl carrying a clipboard.
PARTY ORGANISER: Hey.
She beams and then consults the clipboard.
PARTY ORGANISER: You guys haven't picked a country yet.
Parker looks at her blankly.
PARTY ORGANISER: For the around-the-world party. Every dorm room dresses itself up like a different country. Party, fun?
Mac looks singularly unexcited. Veronica returns her attention to the website.
PARTY ORGANISER: No?
MAC: I prefer most of the people on the floor, you know, not in my room.
Parker, now on her feet, sighs.
PARTY ORGANISER: Okay, well, if you change your mind, let me know soon. Most of Western Europe goes down fast.
The girl leaves. Parker swings around to face and point to Mac.
Parker steps towards them and points at Veronica.
PARKER: Single and on the rebound.
Veronica looks back at her sourly.
PARKER: Just so you know, we're approaching critical, pathetic mass if the girl who most wants to host gentlemen callers is the most recent victim of a sexual assault. We should be out there! Or, at the very least, not barring them from coming to us.
Veronica and Mac glance at each other, unconvinced. Parker lets out an exasperated sigh and turns back to her side of the room.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, GUYOT HALL, ROOM 310 - NIGHT.
In the classroom, there is a PHAT banner on the blackboard which, as well as setting out the name, declares that animal dealers traffic two million animals a year. Set in front of the blackboard is a screen for slides. A slide shows the PHAT logo. People are entering the room, including Veronica and Mac who are at the door. They pause as Veronica takes a sheet of paper being handed out by Darla. She is assisted by another PHAT member. On the other side of the door is a guy writing in the notebook. Mac gazes into the room unhappily.
MAC: Okay, I get cruelty-free, but I'm an animal, too, and the clove cigarettes and no-bathing thing is cruelty to me.
Veronica doesn’t respond, noticing the guy who has overheard Mac. He closes his notebook and drops his head. Mac turns and sees him, and backtracks.
MAC: No. Not you. You're...
She leans towards him and sniffs.
He walks them into the room, taking a perch on one of the tables.
BRONSON: You guys ever been to one of these things before?
MAC: Me? No. I come from a meat-and-potatoes kind of family, minus the potatoes. My first pacifier was made of jerky.
He chuckles again, clearly taken with Mac.
BRONSON: Well, it, uh, it could be fun.
MAC: Or it could be a lot of speechmaking by politicos-in-training.
BRONSON: Or that.
He holds up crossed fingers. Veronica, getting his interest, smiles at Mac. Mac glances back with a bit of a frown and they move towards the back of the room. Cut to a little later. The guy is at the front of the room, fronting the group.
BRONSON: My name is Bronson Pope. I'm the chapter president of PHAT here at Hearst.
Veronica glances at Mac who is chagrined.
BRONSON: I'd like to thank everyone for coming out.
Bronson turns off the lights to start the slide show. The slides reflect what he is saying.
BRONSON: From food industries to clothing to medical research, corporate America employs horrible cruelty to animals, simply to maximize profit. It's a tragic state of affairs that we fight with education. People who disagree aren't the enemy. They're the goal.
Veronica shoots her hand up and clears her throat to get Bronson's attention.
VERONICA: This is in addition to some of the more active stuff? There was a rumour that someone liberated some research animals. I was just wondering if we'd be doing anything like that.
The rest of the attendees stare at Veronica for her interruption, which she notices.
VERONICA: What? I raised my hand.
BRONSON: That's really not our thing, but if you're eager for action, how about joining us tomorrow night to launch our letter-writing campaign?
Bronson switches the lights back on.
VERONICA: [unenthusiastically] Sure. That sounds almost as good.
DARLA: You know, Bronson, that psycho bow-hunting rocker guy Ed Argent is playing downtown tomorrow night. We should consider picketing the show.
BRONSON: You ever meet an Argent fan, Darla? Uh, they'd pay double to spit on our picket line.
There's a muttered agreement amongst the rest of the group.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT.
Weevil, with his ring of keys jangling, leads Keith into O'Dell's office.
WEEVIL: So, I came in at around seven. First, I thought he just had a bender and fell asleep at his desk, but then I saw blood..and the note.
KEITH: A note?
WEEVIL: Yeah, on the computer. He had a memo on the screen, saying, "Goodbye, cruel world zzzz." I guess his head fell on the Z. It's a shame, man. He was pretty cool...for a weird, old, white dude.
Keith is less interested in Weevil's observations, and more intent on the bottle of Glencracken, still on O'Dell's drinks table. He picks it up.
WEEVIL: So, uh, what, you just wanted to see if he left any booze?
Keith looks at Weevil, deep in thought.
INT - LOGAN'S SUITE, NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL - DAY.
It's apparently morning. Dick, garbed in a dressing gown and naked underneath, amuses himself by taking a picture of his penis and throwing the picture off the balcony window. Logan, in t-shirt and boxers, comes to the door to the balcony.
LOGAN: I think I told you, the management asked if you'd stop doing that.
DICK: That's exactly what's been wrong with you lately. Since when do you side with management?
Dick looks back over the balcony to see the results of his gift to the world.
DICK: Ooh, best-case scenario: old lady.
Logan doesn't respond and turns to walk back into the room. Dick is exasperated with him and Logan pauses.
DICK: What's with you? That is awesome!
Dick strides past Logan, going back into the suite, nudging him on the arm as he passes.
DICK: How about a little life?
Dick turns back to face Logan.
DICK: So what, you're just going to mope around like that guy in...what's that book where the guy's mom dies and he comes back to Jersey? He's got that motorcycle sidecar.
LOGAN: Garden State was never a book.
DICK: It wasn't? Oops. [to himself] So much for that paper.
Dick heads back to and settles on the couch as he lectures Logan. Logan rests on the arm of the couch at the other end of the settee.
DICK: But if this were a book, the theme of my essay would be the symbolism of how your character had his man parts ripped off by the Veronica Mars character.
LOGAN: [crossly] My man parts are intact.
DICK: Show me.
LOGAN: Well, you'll have to take my word for it.
DICK: I mean, symbolically. We're young, single men in our sexual prime, and the only reason why we're not out there going hog-wild is because of your feelings? What, are we on "The View"? Am I Rosie O'Donnell? Here's something I read. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
Dick gazes at Logan, wide-eyed in wonder and with a grin.
DICK: Think about that.
Logan is unmoved.
DICK: Really, think about it.
LOGAN: Yeah, well, as a statement, it seems, you know, obvious and pointless.
DICK: Which means...that's what your life is. You need help. I'm offering, okay? Nothing too major, just baby steps. Just, please, let me help you.
Dick ends pleadingly. Logan nods, considering the offer.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE - NIGHT.
The PHAT team have set themselves up in another classroom and are stuffing envelopes. Bronson is watching over Darla when he looks up and sees Veronica and Mac at the door.
He races over to them.
BRONSON: Thanks for coming. Um, lick or stuff?
He leads them into the room, pointing out the various areas of activity.
BRONSON: Letters are there, envelopes there. You know, this is what it's all about. Yeah, if people knew that every research animal on campus is caged, tested, and killed, you know, they might not be here in the first place.
VERONICA: Every research animal?
BRONSON: Yeah, that's why this is so important.
Veronica is a bit shocked by this.
MAC: Well, I'd like to stuff.
BRONSON: Okay, come on.
Bronson leads Mac away to the stuffing table. Veronica, having recovered her composure, heads for Darla. She sits down next to her.
VERONICA: Darla, hi. I'm Veronica. I think your idea to protest Argent was great. If you go through with it, I'm in. I do a wicked picket.
Veronica glances around conspiratorially, then leans towards Darla, lowering her voice.
VERONICA: Look, I know letter writing isn't all you do. You got to be careful with new members. I get it, but, just so you know, I'm ready.
Darla passes her a stack of envelopes and a sheet of stamps. She pats Veronica on the arm.
DARLA: Good to know.
Darla gets up and walks away, leaving the girl detective foiled and unenthusiastic about her assigned project. Elsewhere in the room, Bronson is sitting with Mac, stuffing envelopes.
BRONSON: Your friend seems pretty gung ho.
MAC: Veronica? She played pee wee soccer; she made her own penalty cards so she could red-card players she didn't like.
BRONSON: I'm glad you guys came. I don't usually have much fun at these.
He grins at her. Mac grabs some more envelopes.
MAC: The letter stuff seems fun.
She rises and races away. Cut to a little later. Mac is sitting with Veronica at the table where stamps are put on the letters, concentrating on her task. Veronica is concentrating on something over Mac's shoulder.
VERONICA: Do me a favour. Casually look over there.
Mac looks over her shoulder. Bronson is staring at her, smiling. He holds her gaze for a moment before going back to work. Mac looks back at Veronica.
Veronica rolls her eyes at Mac's obliviousness to Bronson's interest. Sam, the other PHAT member who greeted them at the door at the orientation meeting, joins them at their table.
SAM: How's it going?
Darla casually drifts into view to stand behind Sam.
VERONICA: Great. Maybe we should throw in some low-interest credit-card apps, really grab their attention.
SAM: Yeah, letter writing's good, but, uh, some of us aren't so patient. Some of us want to get the message out a little more...actively.
DARLA: If you're interested, maybe you can prove yourself.
VERONICA: What do you have in mind?
SAM: Just something that gets our attention.
SAM: Surprise us.
Veronica looks at them thoughtfully and then at Mac, who stares back at her questioningly.
INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT.
Veronica enters the apartment to see Keith leaning back against the cooker in contemplative mode. Veronica frowns at him as she shuts the door and enters the apartment.
VERONICA: You look sad. You and your friend Weevil have a fight or something?
Veronica drops her bag and takes a seat at the kitchen counter.
KEITH: Just thinking, if I was going to get drunk and shoot myself, I'd probably drink the good stuff first.
VERONICA: Sheesh. Good thing we don't have any good stuff.
KEITH: Dean O'Dell did, a bottle of forty-year-old single malt. Said he lived in anticipation of drinking it. So why, if he's going to commit suicide, does he drink the cheap stuff instead?
Keith turns back to stir whatever is cooking as Veronica watches.
KEITH: You had a few run-ins with the dean, right? What were your impressions of the man?
VERONICA: I...admired him. He had character, or was one, or something. I don't know, just...
Keith drops a bowl of bread on the counter.
KEITH: How 'bout his rhetorical style? Businesslike and bland?
Veronica thinks about this.
VERONICA: More...Old Testament sarcastic.
KEITH: Sarcastic? Like he might leave a dumb cliché as a note, as a joke?
VERONICA: What did the note say?
KEITH: "Goodbye, cruel world," typed as a memo.
VERONICA: Like on the computer screen?
KEITH: Yeah, why?
VERONICA: Just...we had to do these papers for Landry's class, like plan the perfect murder. I got an A, just in case you were wondering.
KEITH: And what does this-
VERONICA: Mine was a fake suicide, where you leave a note on the computer, so you can't check the handwriting, and write something clichéd so you don't study the message. My example was, "Goodbye, cruel world."
They absorb this little titbit.
EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY.
Veronica is sitting on the steps of one of the buildings. She looks back at students emerging from the building and jumps up when she sees Piz. Veronica puts on her most persuasive charms.
VERONICA: Hey, Piz.
Piz grins. They carry on walking together.
VERONICA: Ed Argent is in town. Think you can pull some of that Oregon-mountain-man, kill-what-you-eat, gun-rack charm and book him on your show?
PIZ: Everything north of San Francisco is just Thunderdome to you, isn't it?
VERONICA: It's for a case involving...a missing monkey.
PIZ: The case of the missing monkey?
VERONICA: Mm-hmm. You'd be helping science and me, and you might help classic rocker and conservative wild man Ed Argent connect with a whole new audience. So everybody wins, which is nice.
PIZ: That is nice. So, how is Ed Argent connected to the missing monkey again?
VERONICA: I didn't say, and I can't. Client privilege. You'd be doing me a favour I'd really appreciate.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LAB - DAY.
One of the cupboards in the room is opened. It's empty.
PAULINE: Look. Twenty-five's food is gone. It was here after the break-in, and now it's gone.
Pauline is showing this to Veronica. Gil Thomas is working to the side.
PAULINE: Obviously, those PHAT fanatics are trying to take care of him. What did you find out?
VERONICA: There might be a splinter cell. I'm setting something up to get inside.
Pauline sighs in frustration.
VERONICA: So, what happens to Twenty-five...after you complete your research?
PAULINE: The only way to conclusively prove test results is through an autopsy.
VERONICA: So...that monkey good life includes a blindfold and a last smoke?
GIL THOMAS: You sound like one of them.
VERONICA: It's just a question.
PAULINE: Ah, a question like, how do we cure cancer or discover new vaccines?
They are interrupted when a door into the room is flung open. Another student scientist marches into the room and checks the thermostat. She makes an exasperated gesture as she adjusts the control.
EMMY: You've got the A/C on full.
She spins around, confronting the others with her arms crossed.
EMMY: If you want to see my nipples, just ask.
Gil Thomas raises his hand. She ignores him.
EMMY: How many times do I have to say, "temperature affects rates of carbon assimilation"?
PAULINE: I don't know, Emmy, a billion?
Emmy trounces back through the door, slamming it behind her.
VERONICA: Friend of yours?
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, EMMY'S LAB - DAY.
Emmy's room is much smaller than the one used by Pauline and Gil Thomas. Her experiments revolve around plants, which fill the room. As Veronica checks out the room, Emmy continues to work at a microscope on the narrow bench against the wall.
EMMY: I was in my lab until around nine, locked up. Didn't see anything suspicious and went home. I already talked to campus police.
VERONICA: I'm sure you did all you could to help your pal Pauline.
EMMY: They have twice the space I have. For what? To find a pill so fat guys in the suburbs can keep eating cheeseburgers. It's ridiculous. Look, I may not love Pauline and Gil Thomas, but I'm a scientist. I'd never vandalise a lab...ever.
Veronica sighs, seemingly persuaded by her passion.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RADIO STATION - NIGHT.
Piz and Ed Argent finish their interview and Piz shakes his hand as he leads him out of the broadcasting room.
PIZ: Hey, that was awesome, man. Thanks a lot.
Veronica, Parker and Mac are waiting in the outer room. They are all wearing pink sweatshirts which say "Zeta Theta Beta." Veronica, holding another sweatshirt similarly labelled, shoots up from the couch, acting the deranged fan.
VERONICA: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! I am your biggest...super biggest fan. I joined the NRA after they covered you in Guns Magazine.
Parker, also very into her role, rises from the couch, clutching her chest and gushing.
PARKER: Oh, I loved that article.
Everyone except Parker, who is grinning manically at Argent, glances at Mac. She is finding it harder to adapt. She slowly stands revealing yet another sweatshirt on the couch behind her, folded.
MAC: Totally. The second amendment is, like, my favourite.
She tails off, embarrassed. Veronica leaps in again, still jumping up and down.
VERONICA: We were so hoping to get a picture of you in our sweatshirt for our celebrity wall.
Veronica holds up the sweatshirt with the "Zeta Theta Beta" prominently displayed.
ARGENT: Anything for a fan.
Unnoticed by Argent, Mac grabs the sweatshirt behind her, and she and Veronica swap it with the one Veronica was holding as Veronica makes her way over to Argent. Mac throws the other one back over the couch and accompanies Veronica to Argent, who puts on the sweatshirt he was given. Parker is waiting with a camera to take a photo. Argent doesn't glance down at the sweatshirt he is wearing, which proclaims "Meat Is Murder."
ARGENT: Maybe, after the show, I could stop by the sorority.
VERONICA: Ooh, I think the Theta Betas would really enjoy that.
Parker nods enthusiastically, then readies them for the picture.
PARKER: Okay, say "meat"!
ARGENT, VERONICA, MAC: Meat!
The picture shows Argent and Mac grinning. Veronica has her lion face with her tongue sticking out. While Argent gets in a bull horn's gesture, Veronica's fingers, whilst in approximation of the same formation, look more like the classic sign for a loser.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY.
Veronica gets up from one of the hallway computer terminals and walks into Sam.
SAM: Hey. Look at this.
He hold out a copy of the Hearst Free Press, turned to a page which features the photograph of her, Mac and Argent in the "Meat is Murder" sweatshirt. It is printed under the headline "Argent tells KRFF listeners: rock hard, eat what you kill." The caption under the picture reads "...Cuddly? The brash rockster, Ed Argent [?], poses with Cindy Mackenzie [?] and Veronica Mars [?]."
SAM: Tell your friend you guys are in.
He slaps a slip of paper into her hand.
SAM: Three o'clock, that room.
He walks away, leaving Veronica to open and read it. She is well satisfied.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, SAM'S DORM ROOM - DAY.
Darla opens the door to Veronica and Mac.
DARLA: Great, you're here. Come in.
Darla hurries back into the room as Veronica and Mac step inside.
MAC: I've never been initiated before. Think I'll get a code name?
Veronica smiles and closes the door behind them. Sam is at a computer on the desk in the room. Darla is standing between him and a camera on a tripod, in front of a brown curtain.
DARLA: We really loved what you did, and we want you to join our anti-fur campaign.
Darla goes to the camera as Sam gets up and grabs a couple of large cards.
SAM: Congratulations. You're one of us.
Sam hands one card each to Veronica and Mac. Mac's card says "No," with a prohibition sign over a rabbit for the O. Veronica's card says "Fur." Veronica and Mac smile and hold up their cards.
DARLA: We have a lot of work to do, so just go ahead and take 'em off.
VERONICA: Uh, take what off?
SAM: Your clothes...for the calendar. You are committed, right?
Veronica and Mac watch, stunned, as Sam goes over to the computer and pulls up a picture of himself, naked except for the "No Fur" card that covers his genitals.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: It's an ongoing question in the private-eye game: "how naked are you willing to get for a case?"
SAM: This campaign epitomises what we're about.
VERONICA: Oh, yeah, totally, but-
DARLA: We know you guys believe in the cause - that fur is the unnecessary killing of animals for nothing more than human vanity. So, you want to pose together?
Veronica looks down at the size of the card, then at Mac, who is speechless. Veronica is still working out what to say when the curtain is pulled back and the rest of the PHAT team, including Bronson, are revealed, laughing. Darla takes a picture of Veronica and Mac's faces.
SAM: Sorry. We do this to all the real gung-ho recruits.
DARLA: But we totally love you guys.
Veronica chuckles more in relief than amusement.
DARLA: That Ed Argent thing was genius.
Bronson steps forwards and addresses Mac.
BRONSON: So, um...some of us are going to grab a bite, if you want to come along.
MAC: I'm good. I had some mints.
Veronica can't control her WTF?! face as she stares at Mac in dismay.
BRONSON: Ah. So...you have any plans this weekend?
Veronica jumps in, nudging Mac in the arm as she does.
VERONICA: We have that around-the-world party tonight, remember? You should come. Every room is a country. Very educational.
BRONSON: Yeah, great. Uh, what country are you guys?
Mac just stares at Bronson with a fixed smile. Veronica gives herself thinking time by pretending she didn't hear the question.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - DAY.
The party organiser, dressed in a Chinese costume, is checking out the decorated rooms. She wanders through "Italy" with a bottle of Chianti.
PARTY ORGANISER: Bella, bella.
She leaves the room, handing the Chianti to one of the room's residents.
PARTY ORGANISER: Ciao.
She walks out into the hallway and spots a girl putting up paper laterns.
PARTY ORGANISER: I love your enthusiasm. Love it.
She walks to the door of another room which is decked out as Cuba. There's a neon palm tree on the back wall and one of the room's residents is dressed up like Fidel Castro. She walks away, fanning her face.
PARTY ORGANISER: Ooh, caliente! [Translation: Ooh, hot!]
She walks to the door of another room which is decked out as Cuba. There's a neon palm tree on the back wall and one of the room's residents is dressed up like Fidel Castro. She walks away, fanning her face. She reaches the door to Mac and Parker's room. The contents of Parker's whiteboard haven't changed since 304 "Charlie Don't Surf" and Mac still displays her name solely with a strip of tape. New to the door, however, is a strip of tape on which is written: Canada. The party organiser looks at the door, bemused. She slides off her coolie hat and enters the room.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S DORM ROOM - DAY.
Parker, sitting on the small couch reading a magazine looks up.
PARTY ORGANISER: So, you're participating now?
The party organiser looks around.
PARTY ORGANISER: What about this is Canada?
Veronica, standing by a small picture of a moose, does a "duh!" face and points to the picture.
MAC: Uh, our accents. Eh?
The party organiser snorts. Parker looks confused, as if she didn't know what they were up to.
VERONICA: And I almost forgot aboot...
Veronica leans over in front of Mac to turn on a CD player. Music blares out. Music: "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies.
LYRICS: It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"
Five days since you laughed at me
Saying get that together come back and see-
Mac and Veronica jerk to the music, Veronica rather more enthusiastically, complete with tongue sticking out and air guitar.
MAC: There you go.
The party organiser glances down at Parker and sceptically accepts the "effort."
PARTY ORGANISER: Okay.
She walks out of the room and the music is switched off. End music: "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. Parker stares at Veronica and Mac, who are smirking.
PARKER: I'm confused. I thought you were against the whole party idea.
VERONICA: We were. And then...
Veronica rolls her eyes and jerks her head in Mac's direction.
VERONICA: "The guy" happened.
This excites Parker.
But embarrasses Mac.
Veronica looks back at her, appalled.
MAC: In a way. I don't know.
VERONICA: Somebody was doe-eyed, tongue-tied, and, dare I say, twitterpated?
MAC: Hey, there's enough guys for everyone. Maybe Piz will show up.
PARKER: Ugh. God, I'm so over that. I don't know what his problem is. I think he has a girlfriend back home. It's a new day. No more games, no more waiting around. I'm ready to be wooed!
VERONICA: Amen, sister!
This also excites Parker, forcing Veronica to backtrack.
VERONICA: That was supporting, not joining. I do not want to be wooed.
PARKER: Don't you want to hear all about how great you are? I mean, don't you want to see the look on some cute guy's face when he realizes that you're not only smokin'-hot but funny and smart? Why, you're the catch of the century, Veronica Mars...
She looks over at Mac.
PARKER: And so are you.
VERONICA: Are you saying we ought to...
Veronica pretends to struggle with the word.
PARKER: I'm saying there's a saddle, Veronica, and we should be back in it.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT.
"Canada" is well-attended. Music: "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies.
LYRICS: Chickety china, the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin X-Files with no lights on,
We're dans la maison
I hope the smoking man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric
Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the backswing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing
How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? You soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt
It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said "I'm sorry"
Five days since I laughed at you and said
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
In a corner on Parker's side of the room, Veronica is talking to a guy described in the credits as "super hot."
SUPER HOT GUY: It's just hard when you know you've tried your best. You know?
VERONICA: I do. It's a bitch.
SUPER HOT GUY: I really wanted that relationship to work. I was committed, which is hard for me. Think I should call her?
Veronica is saved from giving or considering advice to the lovelorn when she notices Mac unhappily wandering around the room.
VERONICA: Can you excuse me for just one sec?
She runs over to Mac.
MAC: So, how's it going?
VERONICA: I'm trying to keep an open mind. You?
MAC: I think I've been around the world, and I want my room back. This just isn't my scene. Can you manage Ultimate Boy Quest 2007 solo?
VERONICA: He didn't show.
Mac shakes her head and shrugs. Veronica sighs, then calls out to the room.
VERONICA: Okay, everybody, Canada is closing! Sorry. Border-control issues.
There's general groans and mutterings of complaint.
Veronica gestures for everyone to get out.
Mac smiles at her gratefully. End music: "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL, DORM REPRESENTING RUSSIA - NIGHT.
A large bust of Lenin and a version of "Lara's Theme" greet visitors to this room. A few Russian dolls and posters are scatter about. By the door, Veronica is being chatted up by a seemingly interested guy.
SEEMINGLY INTERESTED GUY: So, what do you do, like, for fun?
VERONICA: Um...I don't really know.
SEEMINGLY INTERESTED GUY: You play any sports or anything?
SEEMINGLY INTERESTED GUY: So you just, like, hang out?
He scoffs a little.
VERONICA: Not really. I...my hobby is more like a job...
He raises his eyebrows and rapidly loses any interest in her. He starts to scan the room for other opportunities. Veronica is initially oblivious to this.
VERONICA: Which is kind of like a compulsion. But it's fun sometimes. It doesn't really leave time for what most people consider...
She looks up and realises immediately that he has tuned out and is making eyes at a Cossack-costumed girl across the room. She nods.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT.
The room is now cleared of everybody except Mac who is lying on her bed reading a book and listening to music through headphones. Parker enters the room and shakes Mac on the shoulder to get her attention.
PARKER: Mac? There's someone here to see you.
Mac looks bemused as Parker's body is blocking any view of the guest. Parker steps away. It's Bronson. Mac scurries to a sitting position, smiling and a little nervous.
MAC: Oh. Hey.
Parker holds up Bronson's wallet and hands it back to him.
PARKER: I checked his ID at the border, and all seems on the up-and-up.
She grins and walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - NIGHT.
Veronica threads her way through the crowd gathered in the hallway. Parker catches up with her.
PARKER: So, how's it going?
VERONICA: I'd say it's boys zero, me zero! Think I'm calling it.
PARKER: Well, we can't go back to Canada.
They both note the closed door.
PARKER: "The guy" showed up an hour ago.
Veronica takes Parker's arm and leads her away.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT.
Bronson and Mac are sitting on her bed.
BRONSON: Sorry I've got to go so soon, but...
MAC: That's why I wasn't doing much activism. Cuts into my partying.
They both chuckle as they head for the door. Bronson puts on his jacket.
BRONSON: You should have seen me before I quit Greenpeace and the Sierra Club.
Now at the door, Bronson turns to face her.
MAC: Jeez, why are you so down on people raping the planet? I mean, really.
BRONSON: Yeah, well, thanks for showing me Canada.
Bronson steps forward to kiss her. Mac quickly backs away to avoid it.
MAC: Sorry. Um, I...
BRONSON: No, it's...yeah, well, I guess I should go.
Mac opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes and Bronson leaves the room. Mac shuts the door behind him and leans back on it, pissed off with herself.
EXT - BEACH - DAY.
Logan stares out over the beach. Other surfers are walking to and from the waves. Logan's suit is stripped to his waist and he is carrying his white NulLoa board. Dick, his suit draped over the yellow surfboard he is carrying, is in a red t-shirt and calf-length pants. He stands next to Logan.
DICK: Okay, baby steps. Just some dudes, some tasty waves, and some tasty brews. It's all we need.
Logan nods. Both turn as they hear a shout.
CHIP: [offscreen] Where the hell you been?!
They head for the shouter. It's Chip Diller, also in his suit stripped to the waist. A couple of boards and some towels adorn a small wall-less wooden building on the beach. Chip is holding some beers.
DICK: What? You think I just roll out of bed looking like this? It takes time.
Chip, who has elected to keep the very short haircut, rubs his head.
CHIP: Low maintenance. You should try it.
DICK: What? Getting chewed by an angry mob of lesbians who stick eggs up people's butts? No, thanks.
CHIP: I'm just saying, it does simplify one's personal grooming.
LOGAN: Are we here to surf or swap hairdo secrets?
They reach the construction. Dick turns and sees something of interest on the beach. Girlish laughter can be heard.
DICK: Dude, wait. Check it out.
Three girls, all carrying surfboards and in wetsuits, walk by, checking them out..
LOGAN: I thought all I needed was some dudes, some tasty waves, and some tasty brews.
CHIP: Well, we didn't bring enough beer to make them hot anyway.
Chip passes a can to Logan and tosses another to a grinning Dick.
EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - NIGHT.
Mac is effectively being marched up the street by Parker and Veronica, one on each side of her.
MAC: This is dumb. I blew it. It's over.
PARKER: It's not dumb. Just keep it simple.
Mac pulls out and holds up the driving license that was in her pocket.
MAC: "Hi, my insane friend stole your driver's license."
PARKER: It wasn't stealing. It was making an excuse to see him again. So you say, "Hi, you forgot your ID at the party. We're going out, thought we'd drop it off, and, hey, you want to come along?"
They've turned into the path leading up to a house.
MAC: You want me to say that?
PARKER: Mac, he tried to kiss you.
MAC: And my libido(n't) kicked in.
VERONICA: Mac, he understands. He seems like a really great guy. Just a regular vegan JFK looking for his Mackie O.
Veronica reaches out to knock firmly at the door. Parker gives Mac's arm a reassuring rub. Veronica and Parker let Mac go and step back slightly behind. A pretty girl opens the door. This surprises all three girls.
AMY: Hey, there.
Bronson appears behind Amy, pleased to see Mac.
For a moment there is an uncomfortable silence until Mac finally responds.
MAC: You left your ID.
There's another long moment until she hands the license to him.
MAC: Here it is.
He takes it and nods, bemused.
MAC: Good seeing you.
Mac tries to turn around to leave, but Parker and Veronica step closer together behind her to prevent it.
BRONSON: Well, hey, um, come in. I want to show you some results.
Bronson puts his hands on Amy's shoulders.
BRONSON: Oh, and this is Amy, everyone.
Amy holds up a hand in greeting. Bronson and Amy head into the house. Mac, confused, follows reluctantly after giving Veronica and Parker a dirty look. They follow.
INT - POPE RESIDENCE - NIGHT.
Bronson leads them into a living room. Amy follows behind them and settles on the sofa with a magazine. Bronson picks up a letter from a table. He turns back to face Mac, Veronica and Parker. He hands the letter to Veronica. Parker concentrates on checking out Amy.
BRONSON: Letters from Bellissima Cosmetics. They quit animal testing, thanks to the letter campaign, because they make all their money off of college kids.
Bronson notices their clothes, which are sparkly.
BRONSON: You're pretty dressed up. Where you guys off to?
MAC: Uh...Club...Club. It's new.
Veronica smiles. Amy glances up. Mac panics.
MAC: Mind if I get a glass of water?
BRONSON: Yeah, kitchen's in the back. Let me-
MAC: No, it's okay, I'll find it.
Mac hurriedly escapes the room. Veronica hands the letter back to Bronson.
VERONICA: That's really cool.
In the hallway, Mac pauses on route to the kitchen as something catches her eye in one of the rooms. She steps forward to take a closer look.
EXT - BEACH - NIGHT.
Chip, Dick and Logan are sitting around a large fire. They are still drinking beers and there's a cool box between Dick and Logan. All have changed out of their wetsuits, wearing sweatshirts and shorts.
DICK: See, you did it.
LOGAN: Did what?
DICK: You lived. I told you, chicks are just a distraction. You're better off without that broad.
LOGAN: Yeah, well I'll admit, this has its charms.
All three look over in response to the shout.
TAYLOR: You got any more beers?
The three girls they saw earlier are heading towards them. Chip speaks softly to Dick and Logan.
CHIP: Okay, new category: hot enough.
He shouts out to the girls.
CHIP: Yeah, sure!
The girls put down their surfboards and head for the fire. Logan's not that thrilled at the company.
LOGAN: How about "chicks are a distraction," huh?
DICK: I didn't say a bad distraction.
The girls arrive. Taylor falls onto her knees in the sand next to Logan.
TAYLOR: Hmm. What have you got?
Logan looks in the cool box. He closes it and looks back at Taylor.
LOGAN: Apparently, we're into the cheap stuff.
Logan nods and opens the cool box to get beer for the girls.
INT - POPE RESIDENCE - NIGHT.
Bronson sits down on the couch next to Amy. Mac is still out of the room.
BRONSON: If you guys get bored of Club Club, you should come by Goldfinger's. I tend bar there.
Parker directs a question to Amy.
PARKER: Do you hang out there a lot?
AMY: Not really my scene. We have slightly different ideas on...
Amy continues talking as Mac returns and whispers to Veronica.
MAC: Might want to grab a drink. His bedroom.
Veronica interrupts Amy.
VERONICA: Um, okay if I grab a quick H-2-O, as well? It's important to hydrate.
Bronson points towards the kitchen. Veronica leaves the room. Bronson glances at Mac. She smiles. In the hallway, Veronica quickly finds and enters the bedroom. There are a number of glass cages containing black rats. Veronica takes a picture with her cell phone. She then gazes at them unhappily.
Veronica returns to the living room, giving the appearance of being very excited.
VERONICA: Why didn't you say anything?
Bronson looks at her quizzically.
VERONICA: I saw them, the test rats you liberated. Where's the monkey?
Bronson rises from the couch.
BRONSON: Um, I don't have the monkey, and I didn't free the rats. They just showed up.
VERONICA: Like, in a tiny van with a sob story about needing a place to crash?
BRONSON: Like, in a box on my doorstep. Yeah, people know I'm the animals guy. It happens.
VERONICA: Can I see the box?
Bronson is surprised. Cut to a little later, in another room. Bronson and Parker are watching as Veronica picks up the shredded paper from the box.
PARKER: So...Amy seems nice.
Mac, standing next to Veronica, is horrified.
PARKER: How long have you been together?
BRONSON: Uh, nineteen years.
Parker looks at him with a double-take.
BRONSON: She's my sister.
Parker nods and grins.
She and Bronson leave the room. Veronica and Mac are smiling. Veronica is stuffing the shredded paper into her bag. Mac watches with concern.
MAC: So, um, are you going to tell Pauline and Gil Thomas about the rats?
VERONICA: They're clients. I kinda have to.
Veronica steps past her to leave the room. Mac isn't happy.
EXT - BEACH, LOGAN'S CAR - NIGHT.
Logan, the recent recipient of a blowjob, endures Taylor's kiss on the mouth as she rises, then wipes his mouth quickly.
TAYLOR: Boy, oh, boy. You are bad.
Taylor is excited and giggly. Logan is deeply unhappy with the situation as he attends to his zip.
TAYLOR: Man, I can't believe I just did that with Aaron Echolls' son.
This goes down like a lead balloon with Logan. Taylor, oblivious, giggles.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LAB - DAY.
The scene opens on the picture Veronica took of some of the rats, these black, white, and black-and-white. Pauline and Gil Thomas are sitting at one of the tables. Veronica is standing behind them, leaning on the backs of their chairs.
VERONICA: They were in a rat habitat in Bronson Pope's bedroom. He said someone dropped them off.
PAULINE: Dropped off? Funny. What about Twenty-five?
VERONICA: He says he didn't get the monkey, but you have the rat photos, so it-
PAULINE: Can we get the sheriff's department to get a search warrant?
Veronica's cell starts to ring.
VERONICA: Excuse me.
Veronica walks away from the table to take the call.
MAC: [on phone] Veronica, hey. I found something interesting in this hard drive.
EXT - POPE RESIDENCE - DAY.
Bronson opens the front door. He doesn't look too surprised to see Deputy Sacks.
SACKS: We got a report about some stolen rats. Got a warrant.
Sacks holds out a piece of paper and steps inside. Bronson takes it and starts to read.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S DORM ROOM - DAY.
Veronica, looking thwarted, steps into Mac's room. Mac, working on the bed, grins.
Mac races over to her computer on her desk as Veronica shuts the door behind her.
MAC: So, you know, I figured some sort of liquid was poured over the computer with all the research on it. I had to remove the ram card to let it dry out, but-
VERONICA: You told Bronson?
Mac doesn't respond. Veronica approaches her, disappointed.
VERONICA: The cops raided the place, and the rats were gone.
MAC: I didn't want him to get into trouble. I believe him. I'm sorry.
Veronica sighs. Mac reaches into one of her drawers and brings out a small plastic bag.
MAC: I found these on the motherboard.
Veronica takes the bag and looks at the contents.
VERONICA: Looks like little leaves.
MAC: Do you think it means anything?
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, EMMY'S LAB - DAY.
Emmy is not pleased to see Veronica.
EMMY: Oh, good. You.
Veronica waves the plastic bag.
VERONICA: We found these in Pauline and Gil Thomas' hard drive, some sort of leaves. Any idea where they might have come from?
Emmy impatiently grabs the bag and gives the leaves a cursory look. She sighs and opens the bag. She takes out a pinch and smells the contents.
EMMY: Congratulations. You just narrowed down the suspects to anyone who had access to green tea.
VERONICA: Green teeth?
Emmy grabs a container of green tea from a shelf above her. In taking it down, she reveals a plastic banana hidden behind it. Emmy notices that Veronica has seen the banana.
EMMY: I stole it off Twenty-five's cage a few weeks ago. The sound was driving me nuts on the weekends.
Emmy takes the banana down and hands it to Veronica. Veronica stares at the banana. She squeezes it, causing it to produce a squeaking sound.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LAB - DAY.
Veronica goes into the empty lab. She checks the counter where the kettle is and finds green tea. She ponders.
INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT.
Veronica is working at the light box in her bedroom. She has paste some of the strips of shredded paper onto a sheet of paper. The resulting completed sheet is a picture of a girl with little on.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: In the movies, when they piece back together shredded magazines, they always find an address sticker. All I've found are near-naked ladies.
INT - PARDY RESIDENCE - NIGHT.
Gil Thomas walks down the hallway to his apartment. He stops short when he sees Veronica waiting for him outside the door to his apartment. She is holding the plastic banana.
VERONICA: Did you name him? Is that what happened?
Gil Thomas scoffs.
GIL THOMAS: Named who?
Veronica points at the door with the banana.
VERONICA: I heard him behind the door. Sounds like he misses you.
Veronica holds the banana out to Gil Thomas, who sighs. Cut to inside the apartment. Twenty-five is enjoying himself, playing with a toy car. He drops it and runs over to Gil Thomas, sitting on an armchair opposite Veronica. The monkey settles on Gil Thomas' lap.
VERONICA: There were tea leaves in the hard drive. You just grabbed the handiest thing around and poured it in the drive?
GIL THOMAS: Pauline's the one who drinks tea.
VERONICA: But I'm guessing she doesn't subscribe to...lad magazines. When reassembled, the shredded pages from the rat box were mostly almost-naked babes making almost-naughty quotes.
The monkey has jumped up to the back of the armchair, leaning on Gil Thomas' head, giving him the appearance of wearing a fur hat.
VERONICA: You knew you could pin the break-in on PHAT, and you knew Bronson would take care of your lab rats.
The monkey jumps back down and sits down next to Gil Thomas. Gil Thomas smiles indulgently.
GIL THOMAS: I started coming in on the weekends to catch up on work. I bought him a few toys, let him play with them while Pauline wasn't around.
He holds up the banana.
GIL THOMAS: His favourite, by the way. Always had to take it back before I left. One day, I'm halfway out the door, when I turn around and he's holding it out through the bars for me. He knew I was leaving. You know why we don't name them? Because, to do the work, we have to turn our compassion off, because things are harder to kill when they've got a name.
The monkey moves back into Gil Thomas' lap.
GIL THOMAS: Veronica Mars...meet Oscar.
Veronica watches them and smiles.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LAB - DAY.
Veronica enters the lab. Pauline is standing next to a man who is sitting at a table, working on a computer. Gil Thomas arrives from the back of the room.
PAULINE: Oh, Veronica, this is, uh, Professor McGregor. You said you had news.
Gil Thomas waits anxiously.
Veronica holds out a cheque.
VERONICA: Here's your cheque back. I wasn't able to find him, I'm afraid.
Gil Thomas is relieved.
PAULINE: Oh, those idiots at PHAT! They're paving the road to hell.
VERONICA: Well, the good news is, Mac was able to recover most of your hard drive.
MCGREGOR: Oh, for crying out loud, I thought you said you were getting him back.
PAULINE: I said I thought we were.
MCGREGOR: Well, the data could still be useful as a comparison.
The professor starts tapping on his computer.
MCGREGOR: If we can rush-order another one, we might-
VERONICA: Another one?
MCGREGOR: Yeah. We should have another monkey in another...six days. Science marches on.
Veronica is not happy to hear this.
EXT - POPE RESIDENCE - NIGHT.
Mac walks up to Bronson's door. She hesitates a moment and knocks. When there is no immediate response, she shuts her eyes and turns to hurry away. The door opens behind her.
Music: "Fair" by Annuals.
LYRICS: I know there's no hope in holding up this weight
It just won't float
Man, I tried, but the tide
It knows no sides
If that's what's not fair, then what could be wrong with my life?
If that's what's not fair, then what could be wrong with my life?
Maybe she needs love to put the bottle down
Maybe she needs me to be around
The pain in her stare is drawing me shapes
Oh, so fair
The pain in her stare is making me wish I was there
With something to declare
Well it's quite possible I won't make it out alive
Because I'm quite sure that I could die
Because what's best is what's left when nothing is left but the sound of
The rain on your head, a woman asleep in your bed
Dreaming in my bed
Something's got to happen
Bronson steps out and Mac turns back.
MAC: Hi. Bronson. I was just...wasn't just in the neighbourhood. I was more actually coming by because I was wondering...
Bronson, smiling, nods to encourage her.
MAC: What I'm trying to say, or ask, is, I guess...do you like movies?
BRONSON: Um, yeah.
MAC: Because they're doing 2001 in 70-millimeter tomorrow night and-
BRONSON: Yeah. Let's go.
MAC: Um, okay. Great.
MAC: Bye, then.
Mac turns and starts down the steps. Bronson looks up at the heavens, thanking his lucky stars. As Mac reaches the bottom step she turns and hurries back up the steps. She kisses Bronson and he kisses her right back.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - NIGHT.
Veronica pays for some food in the all-but deserted Food Court. She glances over at the radio station. Piz is in the booth. He looks up and sees her. He smiles and holds up a hand. She smiles back.
PIZ: [offscreen] It's kind of lame, but a really hot girl band is playing at the Roxy.
It's a little later and Piz has joined Veronica at a table in the Food Court.
PIZ: So they all went out to try and score, which is both never going to happen and ridiculous, so I just took a shift to get out of it.
VERONICA: I know how you feel. I mean, different team, sure, but the whole chasing, hooking-up, people-go-round. Parker has been going nuts, like I'm some sort of freak because I'm not grabbing anything within ten feet. It's exhausting.
PIZ: Totally. I mean, it's like music. You know, I love music, but it doesn't mean I have to listen to it at all times and anything will do. I'm not going to throw in a Hasselhoff CD just because I left my Nico Case in the car.
VERONICA: Like, why bother with something that's not good?
Because if it's not good...
PIZ: It's bad. Exactly. But these guys were all like, "as long as she's got a pair of..."
Piz cups his hands in front of his chest, then notes Veronica's raised eyebrows.
PIZ: You know, it was indelicate.
VERONICA: What's indelicate about shoes?
PIZ: I figure, you know, I mean, I know what I like. Why waste my time?
VERONICA: Like, why bother with something not good just because it's something?
PIZ: Especially when you know the difference, which not many people do. I mean, do you?
VERONICA: I...I think I do.
PIZ: You see, I think that's like ninety percent of life, just knowing the difference.
Veronica considers this. Piz grins. They carry on chatting as Veronica finishes her food.
INT - LOGAN'S SUITE, NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL - NIGHT.
Logan is alone, sitting on the couch, looking sad. There's a knock at the door. He looks up but doesn't react until there is a second knock. He walks to the door and opens it. Veronica is standing outside. They stare at each other with longing. Veronica rushes into his arms and they kiss passionately. Logan uses his foot to slam shut the door. End music: "Fair" by Annuals.
INT - BAR - NIGHT.
Music: "Long Long Time" by Linda Ronstadt.
LYRICS: Everything I know to try and make you mine...
And I think I'm gonna love you for a long, long time
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me when you never let me near
And I never drew one response from you
All the while you fell all over girls you never knew
Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think it's gonna hurt me for a long long time
Wait for the day
You'll go away
Knowing that you warned me of the price I'd have to pay
And life's full of flaws
Who knows the cause?
Keith, having put this on the jukebox, moves to the bar counter where Landry is sitting, nursing a drink. Keith takes a seat a couple of stools from Landry.
BARTENDER: What'll you have?
KEITH: Scotch, please.
Landry glances at him and the two men acknowledge each other with a nod.
KEITH: It's a hell of a song.
Landry nods. Keith's drink arrives.
BARTENDER: Here you go.
KEITH: Thanks. Wish someone felt that way about me. You married?
Landry smiles and takes a belt of his drink.
Keith makes a toast.
KEITH: To women.
Both men drink.
KEITH: What's she like?
LANDRY: What are they all like?
KEITH: Crazy. Or we are. I haven't figured it out yet.
LANDRY: Probably us.
Keith chuckles and shakes his head.
KEITH: What's the craziest thing you ever did for a woman?
Landry doesn't respond.
KEITH: I knew this girl once, best-looking woman the world had ever produced, as far as I could tell. She tells me her ex-boyfriend's bothering her, always showing up at the same parking lot she hangs out in with her friends. So one night, I went and I filled a jelly jar with gasoline, stuck a rag in it, figuring, Molotov cocktail. I'll light the guy's car on fire. No more bother in the parking lot. She'll be impressed.
LANDRY: You torched a guy's car?
KEITH: You ever light a rag soaked in straight gasoline? Thing exploded in my hands. I torched my car.
LANDRY: Must have been a hell of a girl.
KEITH: What the hell was I thinking? Have you ever done anything like that?
Landry gives Keith an appraising look.
LANDRY: That why you put this song on, Keith? I read your book, all the way to your picture in the back. So, no, I've never done anything like that, like, for instance, kill Cyrus O'Dell for a woman. I wrote a book, too, about profiling, reading people.
Landry drains his drink and rises from his seat.
LANDRY: Maybe you should check it out.
Landry exits, leaving Keith thwarted. End music: "Long Long Time" by Linda Ronstadt.
INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY.
Mindy is in Keith's office.
KEITH: I've thought it over, Mrs. O'Dell. I'll take the case.
MINDY: Good. Thank you. So, uh, what made up your mind?
KEITH: Just...the scotch.
INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY.
Music: "Greenland" by the Kingsbury Manx. Veronica is sitting at one of the tables, staring into space. She looks up as Piz approaches.
PIZ: Hah. And good morning.
Piz slides into the seat opposite her.
VERONICA: Oh, morning, Piz.
PIZ: I was actually figuring, you got dinner last night, maybe I could spring for breakfast.
VERONICA: Oh, um, actually-
Logan arrives bearing a tray which he sets in front of Veronica.
LOGAN: As ordered.
Logan takes the seat next to her as she smiles at him.
LOGAN: Hey, Piz, what's new?
Piz, gutted, looks from one to the other. He swallows hard.
PIZ: Uh, nothing, apparently. I'll, um, I'll let you guys...
Piz rises makes a quick exit. Veronica stares after him as Logan stares at her. End. Executive Producer: Rob Thomas. End music: "Greenland" by the Kingsbury Manx.