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3.06 Hi, Infidelity

Written by: John Enbom
Directed by: Michael Fields

Original Air Date: 7 November, 2006
Transcribed by Inigo.
Last edited: 15 November, 2006

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars...

Keith is in his office. Harmony arrives at the door in 304 "Charlie Don't Surf."

HARMONY: Hi. Do you remember me by any chance?

KEITH: Harmony, right?


Mason tempts Wallace to ditch his studying in 305 "President Evil."

MASON: What's your problem?

WALLACE: Just that I'm officially failing Mechanical Engineering.

MASON: Call this number. It's a tutor.

Wallace turns up at Max's door brandishing the cash to pay for the answers to his upcoming Mechanical Engineering exam. Cut to Fern on Piz's radio show, receiving a text message from Sara M. saying that Claire was raped in 303 "Wichita Linebacker."

FERN: They raped Claire. [with air quotes] The blonde in the middle?

Veronica and a nearly bald Claire talk in front of a pumpkin sale stand in 305 "President Evil."

VERONICA: I have the ATM photo from that night.

CLAIRE: The guy who did this to me?

The picture shows Claire with all her hair but in an incapacitated state accompanied by an Asian youth.

CLAIRE: I have no idea who this is.

Veronica and Logan arrive at the home of the Asian youth and speak to his housemate.

VERONICA: Is Wang Yi here?

BEN: Why?

Veronica holds up the ATM picture.

VERONICA: Because he raped this girl.

BEN: Claire? I doubt it. She's Wang's girlfriend.

End previously.


The door to Dean O'Dell's office is closed, but voices from inside can be heard clearly.

CLAIRE: [offscreen] Dean O'Dell, give me the chance to explain!

DEAN O'DELL: [offscreen] I don't care what kind of point you're trying to make.

[306/0037.jpg] The camera moves back from the door to reveal Nish and Veronica sitting on either end of a small couch, separated by far more than the width of a cushion. They are listening, both looking fairly unhappy.

DEAN O'DELL: [offscreen] Fake a rape, then bring in your lawyer? What universe do you live in? Have you gone completely insane?

Nish looks over at Veronica.

NISH: So is this what you wanted?

VERONICA: [flatly] You think this is what I wanted?

The couch is opposite a desk on which a phone can be seen. The intercom on the phone sounds.

DEAN O'DELL: Angela, get 'em in here.

Nish, with an exasperated huff, leaps up from the couch.


Inside the office, Claire is sitting in front of Dean O'Dell's desk. There is a man sitting next to her. Nish and Veronica enter.

MR. DAVIS: If you examine it closely, Dean O'Dell, the facts are still-

Dean O'Dell is standing behind his desk, waving around a wad of papers.

DEAN O'DELL: The facts are Miss Mars's story here, and she has the notes and evidence to back it up, I believe?

He looks up at Veronica, who has just entered and closed the door behind her, coming to a halt next to Nish. Veronica nods.

DEAN O'DELL: Yes. We have photos, we have witnesses, we have the boyfriend who helped. There's no question Claire lied about the rape and the Hearst Charter is quite clear about this. You want to challenge the charter, that's fine. We have lawyers too, and they're a lot scarier than you, Mr. Davis. Miss Nordhouse. You're expelled from Hearst College as of this moment, and so it your lawyer. That's all.

[306/0118.jpg] Claire looks shocked. She glances at her lawyer who remains silent. She rises quickly from her seat, as does her lawyer, to exit the room as Dean O'Dell takes his seat at his desk. As Claire passes Veronica for the door, she throws her a parting shot.

CLAIRE: Happy?

Veronica doesn’t respond, but simply watches them both leave before returning her attention to O'Dell.

DEAN O'DELL: Madame Editor, why didn't I read this story in the Hearst paper?

O'Dell holds out a copy of the Hearst Free Press.

DEAN O'DELL: I found the facts fairly simple to corroborate.

NISH: I felt I had a responsibility to exercise some caution with a story implying the rapes might have been faked. In case you haven't noticed, it's a powder keg out there.

DEAN O'DELL: I noticed, but I didn't see much caution when you implicated the Pi Sigma house. You're supposed to at least pretend to be objective. I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to step down as editor of the Free Press.

NISH: It's a student paper! You can't.

DEAN O'DELL: I'm a devious old man, Nish. You'd be surprised what I can do. You're done there, as of this moment.

O'Dell punctuates his decision by rising to his feet.

NISH: [threateningly] You'll regret this.

Nish slowly rounds past Veronica, leaning in to her for her own parting shot.

NISH: [softly] And so will you.

Veronica watches her leave with a look that is less concerned and more "Get over yourself."


Wallace is now sitting on the same small couch, looking very anxious. The door to O'Dell's office is open from Nish's exit and Veronica can be seen still standing there. O'Dell passes by her and comes to the door, addressing Professor Winkler, who is sitting on a chair by the door.

DEAN O'DELL: David. Sorry to keep you waiting.

[306/0216.jpg] Winkler rises from his chair. Veronica, realising that she has been dismissed, turns to leave the office.

DEAN O'DELL: It's been a hell of a week. Come on in.

As Winkler passes Veronica in the doorway, Wallace rises slowly. Veronica gazes at him questioningly as she passes him. O'Dell gestures for him to enter his office.

DEAN O'DELL: Mr. Fennel.

Wallace stares back at her, swallowing hard, before following Winkler into the office. O'Dell shuts the door.


Winkler occupies the chair left vacant by Mr. Davis, with Wallace next to him.

WINKLER: This is hardly the first time we've caught an athlete cheating. With Mr. Fennel, I'll take some of the blame. We usually don't take athletes in the programme, it's just too demanding, especially with standardised test scores as low as his.

Wallace sinks down uncomfortably in his seat.

WINKLER: If I'd paid closer attention to the-

Winkler is interrupted by the arrival of Mindy O'Dell who enters the office without knocking, carrying a small paper bag..

MINDY: Oh, I'm sorry.

She heads for her husband.

DEAN O'DELL: Pardon us. My important lunch.

Mindy chuckles and puts the bag on the desk which the dean reaches for immediately. Winkler watches, smiling indulgently.

DEAN O'DELL: Better be a cookie in there.

MINDY: Oh, of course there isn't.

O'Dell pulls out a sandwich and an apple.

DEAN O'DELL: Why do you punish me like this?

MINDY: Because I'm your wife, that's what I'm for. Remember?

[306/0251.jpg] Mindy glances at Wallace who smiles at her. Mindy leans to her husband.

MINDY: [softly] Be merciful.

She kisses the side of his head glancing back at Wallace as she does. She leaves the office.

DEAN O'DELL: She probably ate the damn cookie herself. So, what do you have to say?

WALLACE: I'm with her on the mercy thing.

O'Dell nods.


Professor Landry is at the front of the room. Timothy Foyle is passing out papers amongst the students.

LANDRY: The whole of human knowledge, right there online, and these papers are thin. Am I crazy to expect better? And if you're confused as to what better is, let me direct you to the front...

Landry slides off the desk on which he was resting to walk back to the blackboard. Written on the board behind him is the heading "Test Next Week," followed by: "Intro to stalking concepts. Is to provide law enforcement, investigators, and others with a conceptual overview of the development of stalking both as behavior and as a crime. Terms, definitions & tech." One paper is pinned to the top of the board.

LANDRY: Where I've posted our only example of A-calibre work.

Timothy has reached Veronica and hands her graded paper to her. On the front, in red ink, is written "A - excellent work."

[306/0324.jpg]LANDRY: Nice job, Miss Mars.

The other students grumble at this, some turning to stare hostilely at Veronica.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Well, this should make me popular.

LANDRY: All righty, that's all for today. See you next time.

The students start to rise and collect their stuff together.

LANDRY: Don't forget. Read both chapters. Both!

Timothy approaches Landry with a wad of papers.

TIMOTHY: Professor [?right?], the Columbia studies...maybe we can, if you want to-

Landry isn't interested and holds up a hand to stop him.

LANDRY: [dismissively] Just make copies for tomorrow, Tim.

Landry calls over Timothy's shoulder.

LANDRY: Uh, Veronica!

Landry leaves Timothy behind. Veronica turns at the calling out of her name and steps towards Landry.

LANDRY: You free for lunch?

Timothy watches, pissed off.


Music: unidentified. Landry and Veronica are sitting at one of the small tables in the middle of the Food Court. Veronica is hanging on every word.

LANDRY: [enthusiastically] Databases, chemistry, psychology, that's where the action is. Are you taking any psych?

[306/0349.jpg] Veronica shakes her head.

LANDRY: Take Wagner's class, he's the best. If you want a double major-

Veronica gulps.

VERONICA: Double? I haven't even declared one major...yet.

She laughs and picks up her drink.

LANDRY: Consider this a sales talk. I not only think of you as a very bright woman in general, I also think that you're a natural when it comes to criminal work. Now, I'm not saying this to be nice or supportive. I'm saying it because it's true and it's because I want someone like you in my programme. I think I should be your faculty advisor.

Veronica's eyes widen.

LANDRY: I think you're capable of great work here, Veronica, and I'd like to help you do it. End of sales talk.

Veronica stares at him with something approaching adoration.

KEITH: [offscreen] He sounds like a hell of a guy.


End music: unidentified. Veronica and Keith are in the kitchen area, washing and drying dishes. Veronica is waxing lyrical.

VERONICA: Not only is he smart, but he's the biggest gun in the department, so him offering to be my advisor, it's just...

Veronica finishes the washing up and dries her hands as Keith vigorously rubs the plate she's handed him.

KEITH: Yeah, I'm not surprised. But I wish you would consult with me before you start phasing me out of your life.

Veronica smiles and heads for the small hallway.


KEITH: He's smart, huh? Is he smarter than your old man?

Veronica turns and points at him.

VERONICA: You know, actually, you two have a lot in common. You'd like him.

Keith shouts after her as she disappears into the hallway, heading for her bedroom.

KEITH: Can I take him in a fight? Be honest.

Veronica throws him a last smile before leaving him alone. As he finishes drying the dish, the phone rings. Keith picks it up.

KEITH: Hello.

HARMONY: [on telephone] Keith, hi, it's Harmony.

KEITH: Hi! Uh...

[306/0454.jpg] Keith glances furtively down the hallway to check for Veronica.

KEITH: Is everything okay?

HARMONY: Oh, fine, actually.


Harmony is walking in the lounge at home.

HARMONY: I know that our professional relationship is over, but...

She sinks down onto the couch.

HARMONY: I enjoyed, you know, talking.

The camera switches between the two locations for the duration of the conversation.


[306/0525.jpg]KEITH: [hesitantly] Uh, yeah, me too.

HARMONY: So, my husband has taken our daughter to Orlando for a couple of weeks. I've got passes to the Noir Festival at the Orient and no one to go with and I was thinking, you're a guy with an interest in...

KEITH: In the noir business?

HARMONY: Right. And maybe you might want to, you know, join me, just grab a movie.

Keith casts another glance towards Veronica's room and swallows hard.



Veronica appears at the door. Behind her can be seen a large notice board, covered in posters and notices, including one calling on students to "Save Darfur" and one still seeking a bassist. Veronica knocks on the door jamb with a humourless smile. Timothy, thumbing through a filing cabinet drawer, looks over at her.

VERONICA: I got a text message...

Veronica holds up her cell phone.

VERONICA: Saying you wanted to see me.

Veronica's smile is replaced by a defiant glare.

TIMOTHY: I think it was "needed," not "wanted."

Timothy matches her tone as he shuts the drawer and heads for the bookcase.

VERONICA: Ah. How did you get this number? I don't give it out to anyone.

Timothy concentrates on picking out a book.

TIMOTHY: You're not the only one at this school who has

VERONICA: Gifts. That was my grandmother's term for, um, female...

Veronica gestures a woman's curves with her hands and whistles.

VERONICA: Just so you know. What did you need to see me about?

Timothy turns to face her.

TIMOTHY: You know, Hearst has a pretty strict policy when it comes to plagiarism.

VERONICA: Yes. Did, uh, someone plagiarise?

Timothy points at her.

TIMOTHY: Well, you did.

Veronica is bemused.

TIMOTHY: One of your classmates turned you in. There's a programme we run to check papers. It scans online for similar phrases-

VERONICA: I know how it works, but I-

Timothy moves to his desk.

TIMOTHY: Your paper lit up like a Christmas tree.

VERONICA: What?! I didn't copy my paper!

TIMOTHY: So I assumed, but...

Timothy taps some keys on his keyboard.

TIMOTHY: Well, that's your paper there.

Veronica hurries around the desk to peer at the screen. On screen is a pdf file of Veronica's paper. At the top is the identification of the student, title and info: "Veronica Mars, 33-92811. Integrating Criminological Theories and Perspectives for A Truer Underst.... Processed on 11-04-06 at 3:34PM. Word Count: 3347." The bottom part of the front sheet can be seen: "Veronica Mars. November 3, 2006. Professor Landry. CRIM 102," as can the top of the next page, marked "Mars 2": "Integrating Criminological Theories and Perspectives for a Truer Understanding. Various theories and methods exist in the field of criminology, each purporting to be the one, sole tool to be used to uncover the inner workings of the accused and guilty. I suggest that no single perspective for explaining any forms of criminal behavior is sufficient or holds true explanatory power on its own regarding its subject. Assuming the subjective approach, I will draw on biological, psychological and psychiatric perspectives on my examination of the most infamous serial killer and rapist of the century, Jack Billet. Competing sociocultural, psychological and biological factors underline any explanation for a given form of criminal behavior patterns. Objective approaches to studying criminological phenomena use a predominantly sociocultural perspective. Subjective approaches rely on the subjects own experience and relationship toward his/her environment, including familial structures and other personal relationships." Almost the entire content of the two paragraphs that can be seen are highlighted.

VERONICA: There's no way. Someone is trying to screw with me.

TIMOTHY: You think it's me? You think I'm trying to get you out of Landry's class because I don't like you?

VERONICA: Wait. You don't like me?

Timothy laughs.

TIMOTHY: This will have to come to Landry's attention. Bummer...

[306/0651.jpg] Veronica scoffs.

TIMOTHY: Since I know that you and he are now close. So, how 'bout I give you a choice?

VERONICA: A choice?

TIMOTHY: Either you can tell him, or I can.

LANDRY: [offscreen] Tell who what?

Veronica and Timothy are both startled as Landry appears at the open doorway.

Opening credits.


Music: unidentified. A troubled Veronica walks across the food court, deep in her own thoughts when Piz calls out to her.

PIZ: Hey, Veronica.

She pauses. Piz gets up from his table, carrying an album.

PIZ: Can you believe this? Some lady threw her husband out of the house, right, and now she's having a garage sale of all of his stuff.

[306/0736.jpg] He holds up the album, London Calling by the Clash.

PIZ: London Calling, vinyl, unscratched, ninety-nine cents. Awesome, right?

VERONICA: My would-be mentor/professor just gave me three days to prove I didn't plagiarise a major paper. The universe is currently aligned against me, so nothing's awesome.

PIZ: You know what you should do? You should come bowling.

VERONICA: [incredulous] Bowling?

Veronica suddenly realises what he's suggested.

VERONICA: You mean, like, just the two of us?

PIZ: Yeah. And Wallace, you know, the whole gang. I mean, Thursday nights are dollar night Fun Bowl.

VERONICA: Will bowling take my mind off of the fact that everyone's out to get me?

PIZ: It worked for Nixon.

Veronica chuckles in spite of herself.

PIZ: It will be fun.

Veronica nods. End music: unidentified.


Wallace, Mason and other members of the basketball team are sitting on the floor of the gym. Behind them, at the top of the pushed back stands, is a banner reading "Rough Ride Into the Night." A couple of the coaching staff stand over or walk past them.

[306/0826.jpg]MASON: Dude, I don't get this sad clown face. I thought he let you drop the class.

WALLACE: I haven't decided if I'm gonna.

MASON: What's to decide? Two weeks after Add/Drops, lets you drop a class that's kicking your ass. That's a gift. You can take it and smile.

A whistle sounds.

COACH: Okay, okay. Five by five scrimmage. Let's go, move!

ONE OF THE PLAYERS: Let's do it.

The players jump up from the floor. The coach, carrying a basketball, walks towards Wallace and Mason.

COACH: Fennel.

The coach throws the ball at Wallace who catches it.

COACH: You run first team today.

Mason looks back at Wallace, who is well chuffed, then at the coach.

MASON: [complaining] Hey, coach!

COACH: You want to keep your starting job, Mason? Start showing me something.

The coach backs away and claps.

COACH: Let's go.

A happy Wallace runs past the disgruntled Mason.


The Criminology class is filling up. Veronica drops her bag on her seat at the end of one of the middle rows, then continues to walk down the stairs to the front of the class. Timothy is as the lectern.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Apparently, if you look hard enough, everyone looks like they're hiding dark secrets. So, if you're looking for something specific, you gotta try the direct approach.

Veronica stands at the front, waiting for the students to settle a little.

VERONICA: Hi. Uh, some of you might know who I am. Veronica Mars.

There's no reaction so Veronica hurries on. Her paper is still pinned to the blackboard.

VERONICA: Okay. So, I wrote that paper...

She points back at the paper.

VERONICA: And now someone in this class has accused me of plagiarising it, which I absolutely did not. So, I was kind of wondering who it was.

Again, there is no response.

VERONICA: So, is this silence, like, it wasn't any of you or, like, no one wants to face me?

[306/0922.jpg] Veronica glances back at Timothy.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Or like no one actually did it and our weaselly T. A. is trying to-

One of the students raises his hand.

JEFF: I did it. Jeff Ratner.

VERONICA: Ratner. Um, have we met before?

JEFF: We have, but you probably don't remember, so...whatever.

VERONICA: So, you reported me. Why did you-

JEFF: Why? Maybe 'cause I'm a common man kind of guy, and I like it when some teacher's pet who's destroying the curve for everyone, gets exposed as a cheat. Yeah, you cheated. I caught you. Deal with it.

The students love it and some clap in approval. Veronica and Jeff exchange defiant glares.


There's a knock on the door. Veronica opens it from outside and leans in.

VERONICA: Wallace!

Wallace is lying on his bed, playing disconsolately with a model airplane.

WALLACE: Not here.

VERONICA: And you would be...

WALLACE: Evil Wallace. And I know Veronica doesn't hang with the evil and morally bankrupt.

Veronica steps into the room and closes the door.

VERONICA: Evil Wallace wouldn't have confessed and faced punishment. Nope, you're regular Wallace.

WALLACE: Well, regular Wallace has been given a chance to drop Mechanical Engineering scot-free, which will mean giving it up as my major. I mean, man.

[306/1029.jpg] Wallace sits up on the bed. Sympathetic, Veronica walks over and sits on the end of Wallace's bed. Wallace gestures at the plane.

WALLACE: This was the first thing I was ever into. Figuring out how stuff works. It's all I ever wanted to do.

VERONICA: You'll work it out. I know it. That's also very regular Wallace. Oh, by the way, who's the guy you bought the test from?

WALLACE: So this whole after-school special monologue here didn't make much of an impression on you.

Veronica grins at him. Wallace falls back onto the bed.

WALLACE: His name's Max. He's in Clark Hall. Why?

Veronica just raises an eyebrow and keeps smiling.


Veronica makes her way down a corridor, stopping at Max's room. His whiteboard is still, as per instructions, comment-free. Veronica knocks on the door. Max opens it and can't believe his luck.

[306/1112.jpg]VERONICA: Hi, Max? I was hoping you could help me.

MAX: Well, I'm hoping I can too.

He grins goofily.


Max and Veronica sit side by side in front of Max's computer. The screen shows "Termpaper Maestro - the #1 deadline life line!" The header claims to "Beat the Deadline with Term Paper Maestro." Max has already run a search for "modern forensics" without success. The advice on the screen reads: "Maybe you misspelled your topic or we currently do not have that specific paper on file. You can request or suggest topics by clicking here. Try again?" A list of courses runs down the right-hand side: Accounting, Administration, Africa, Anatomy, Animal Rights, Anthropology, Argumentative (!), Art & Architecture, Asian Studies, Biographies, Biology, Black Matters, Book Reports, Business, Canadian Studies, [?Counter?] Culture, Chemistry,...Creative Writing. Max clicks on another window, bring up "University Savior," which is "All Free!" This site claims to be "The Leader in Original, Updated & Scholastic Writing!" On the bar at the top is written: "You've Been Saved : : : University Savior . com." Max talks with his mouth full of snacks that he keeps feeding himself from a bag next to him - Cheetos maybe?

MAX: Okay, so you wanna a new paper on Modern Forensics, but different enough so they won't guess who-

[306/1117.jpg] Veronica is exasperated, as if she's had to explain a dozen times.

VERONICA: No. This paper, or one like it, is posted online. I need to find it.

MAX: Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but you already have that paper.

Veronica takes a deep breath and speaks slowly.

VERONICA: I told you. My paper got zapped by the plagiarism scanner. I need to find out why and from what.

Max still doesn't get it, nor care to.

MAX: Okay, whatever.

He punches a few more keys.


Having searched University Savior, Max brings up the first full page of Veronica's paper. Whoever's done it has replaced the "Mars 2" in the top right-hand corner with the number one.

MAX: Ah, here you go.

VERONICA: That's my paper.

MAX: See. That's why I never use these free sites. No security. Checkers'll catch you every time.

VERONICA: Posted last year? Somebody must have faked that. I wrote this paper by myself, last week.

MAX: This must be a real Kafkaesque experience for you.

Veronica glances at him impatiently.

VERONICA: Does it say who posted it?

On screen, the title of the paper is shown and is the same as Veronica's. It also shows that it was purportedly posted on October 14, 2005. Max clicks to bring up the information on the poster: "Posted by:"

MAX: Ah...Rory dot Finch at Hearst College dot org. That's not you is it? That might explain everything.

Veronica throws Max yet another incredulous look.


The minute hand of a clock on the wall moves from 1:59 to 2:00. Underneath the clock is a blackboard on which is written "Sociology test today." A proctor turns from watching the clock to the class.

PROCTOR: And pencils down. Bring 'em up.

[306/1222.jpg] Amongst the students, everyone except Logan has put down their pencils. Logan races to finish his sentence. The rest of the students leave their desks and drop their test papers on the desk in front of the proctor.

PROCTOR: Good day.

Logan finishes and takes his test up to the front. He throws it on top of the other test papers. The proctor grabs it and hands it back to him.

PROCTOR: I'm sorry.

LOGAN: What about?

PROCTOR: I called time and you kept writing. I can't accept your test.

LOGAN: Yeah, I was just finishing my-

PROCTOR: Time was called. I'm sorry.

LOGAN: So you keep saying, dude, but, come on.


LOGAN: [stroppy] Do you have any idea who I am?

PROCTOR: I don't and I don't care. Rules are rules for everyone.

The proctor turns his back on Logan to walk over to the side of the room to collect his jacket. Logan stuffs his papers in amongst the others, shuffling them so the proctor can't ascertain which is his test.

PROCTOR: No matter who they think-

He turns and sees Logan shuffling the papers. Logan smirks and leaves with a wave disguised as him putting his pencil behind his ear.

MERCER: [offscreen] That is classic.


Logan and Mercer are sitting at one of the small tables. Logan talks with his mouth full.

LOGAN: Well, it was a proctor. Professor wasn't even there.

Logan wipes his mouth as Mercer laughs. Music: unidentified.

MERCER: That is so awesome.

Mercer spots Veronica coming towards them. He performs for her as she comes to a halt behind Logan.

MERCER: But...I do not condone it any way and had nothing to do with your decision to do it.

VERONICA: Do what?

MERCER: Cheating. I told him it was wrong and he was gonna burn in hell. You're gonna burn in hell, man.

Logan nods and smiles.

LOGAN: And I'll see you there.

Mercer points amiably at him, then grabs his tray and leaves. Veronica throws her leg over the chair next to Logan and sits down.

VERONICA: You cheated?

Logan puts his arm on the back of Veronica's chair and carries on eating.

LOGAN: I took ten extra seconds on a test. I thought you loved bad boys.

Logan smirks.

VERONICA: I do, but if that's your idea of bad, you need to turn in your badge.

Veronica rests her arm over Logan's and leans forward to grab his drink.

[306/1333.jpg]VERONICA: Hey, do you want to go bowling tomorrow night?

LOGAN: Sure. Unless it's some critical analysis of bowling seminar, then I...

VERONICA: No, it's just Wallace's new roommate and some other guys. Could be fun.

Veronica shrugs as Logan gazes at her. Veronica looks out over the food court and pauses, a concerned look on her face.

LOGAN: What?

Across the food court, Parker is sitting by herself, looking sad and lonely.

VERONICA: Just, Mac's had this project all week and Parker's all alone. I think we should invite her along.

LOGAN: Um, how very Emma of you.

VERONICA: Did you just make a Jane Austen reference? It's official, the end of days are upon us.

Veronica gets up and walks over to Parker's table.

VERONICA: Hey, Parker, what's up?

PARKER: Nothing.

Parker grasps her tray and rises, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

PARKER: I think I just ate something's beak.

She starts walking. Veronica keeps pace.

VERONICA: Hey, do you want to come bowling with us tomorrow night?

PARKER: Bowling? [suspiciously] Why?

VERONICA: You know. Hatchet-burying, etcetera. Plus Nixon found it soothing. Look, if you don't want to go because you'd rather see me fed to bears, fine.

Parker grins in spite of herself. End music: unidentified.


The Film Noir Festival is on, showing Maltese Falcon and The Big Sleep. Keith and Harmony exit the theatre and walk along the street.

[306/1428.jpg]HARMONY: So, would you call that an accurate depiction of life as a private eye?

KEITH: Pretty close. I personally have never been hired to locate a Maltese falcon per se, but there was the case of the Maltese dog.

HARMONY: Oh, solid gold dog?

KEITH: Real dog. This guy got some low-life to kidnap his ex-wife's show dog.

Harmony laughs as they round the corner by the side of the theatre.

HARMONY: Not exactly how I imagined the criminal underworld.

KEITH: If they were all like Peter Lorre, my job would be a little more interesting, but-

Harmony spins around to face him, bringing them to a halt.

HARMONY: Thanks, Keith, for coming. These days, my husband and I are just logistics. Can't remember the last time I just hung out and talked.

KEITH: Sure. It's great talking to someone for whom Bogart isn't a verb.

Harmony laughs again.

KEITH: Well, goodnight.

It's an awkward moment as Keith holds out his hand to shake Harmony's hand. They shake hands, but it's not enough. Keith then gives her a quick hug.


Veronica checks a large key ring she is carrying as she heads for the door to the dean's office. She reaches the door and tries the key in the lock.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: The upside of landing Weevil the maintenance job?

It doesn’t work. She selects another.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: I get to baby-sit his keys while he's away at his cousin's wedding.

It doesn’t work either. Veronica huffs as she searches the key ring again.

[306/1520.jpg]VERONICA VOICEOVER: So, if I want to check the Hearst email files for Rory Finch, I can do it on my own time.

That attempt also fails and Veronica is showing signs of frustration.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Of course, he didn't bother to label them, so...

She leans back against the door to check through the keys again, only to find the door is open and gives way. She looks at it, looks around, and with a "Hmm" expression, goes into the office.


Veronica goes straight to a large filing cabinet and opens one of the drawers. She runs her finger down the tabs. She looks up, as if she's heard something, then closes the drawer. She moves to the next drawer and is about to open it when...

DEAN O'DELL: Veronica?

The dean appears. Veronica twists away, hiding that she is pulling her earring off of her left ear.

VERONICA: Dean O'Dell. I'm so glad you're here.

O'Dell stares at her. He's chewing something. He leans over to switch on the overhead light.

VERONICA: I...lost an earring, um, at the meeting and I wanted to find it before they vacuumed...

Veronica bends down to check the floor.

VERONICA: But it was...well, it's a good thing you happened to show up.

DEAN O'DELL: Well, go ahead, search away.

Veronica breathes a sigh of relief. O'Dell turns his back on her, walking into the inner office. Veronica quickly opens the second drawer.


In his office, O'Dell switches on a television and continues to munch snacks from the bag he is carrying. There's a boxing match in progress on the TV and it's commentary continues on in the background through the scene. O'Dell calls out to Veronica.

DEAN O'DELL: Do you follow boxing?


Veronica quietly pushes the drawer closed and grimaces, realising that she won't be able to search in peace. She calls back and starts towards the inner office.

VERONICA: I only follow sports that are done to music.


On the television, two men are punching each other. Veronica comes up behind O'Dell.

VERONICA: Wouldn't this be more comfortable, say, at home?

DEAN O'DELL: Kind of my little secret. The wife's against it all: the scotch, the cigars, the televised violence. So, I kind of sneak it in whenever she has a charity function, a work function, whatever other function modern women seem to have all the time.

Something on screen excites him.

[306/1645.jpg]DEAN O'DELL: Oh, that's a haymaker!

Veronica uses his distraction to walk backwards out of the inner office and into the outer office again. The dean settles himself on the small couch in his office, his eyes fixed on the TV, never looking behind him through the glass partition at what Veronica is doing.

DEAN O'DELL: So, if you run into her, you didn't see me. Some things she just doesn't need to know.

He takes a cigar from the table next to the couch.


Veronica has the filing drawer open and is taking the top off a pen. She calls out her response.

VERONICA: Absolutely.

Veronica returns her attention to the files and makes a note.


The class has just started and students are still sitting down. Winkler and his T.A. are passing out papers.

WINKLER: Now, I expect these formulas to be memorised as soon as possible.

Winkler pauses as he sees Wallace walk into the room.

[306/1720.jpg]WINKLER: Mr. Fennel. I was under the impression you dropped the class.

WALLACE: I said I'd think about it.

WINKLER: You sure this is a smart choice?

WALLACE: Probably not. But you've seen my standardised test scores. I'm not a particularly smart guy, right? I'm taking the zero. There are four more tests. If I average Cs or above on all of them, I'll pass. Even I can do that, man.

WINKLER: Okay, here you go.

Winkler smiles and hands him the formulas he's distributing. Wallace takes his seat.


Veronica collects her things from the library counter. Wallace is working at the table near it, listening to music through his iPod earplugs. Veronica swoops down on him.

VERONICA: [whispering] You're going to ruin your eyes with all that book-learning.

Veronica slides into the seat next to Wallace. Wallace responds, speaking loudly over the music playing in his ears.

WALLACE: I stayed in Winkler's class. I took the zero.

Veronica cringes and points to her ears. Wallace realises and takes out the earphones.

WALLACE: I need to study.

VERONICA: I suspected that might happen.

WALLACE: So, you figure out what was up with that plagiarism thing?

VERONICA: As a matter of fact, a paper just like mine was posted online by Rory Finch at Hearst College dot org. A Hearst email, but there's never been a student by that name. The address was set up three days ago from an IP address at - get this - the Neptune Grand.

WALLACE: After you turned in your paper.

Veronica nods.


WALLACE: So, you're off the hook. It's over.

VERONICA: Ah, my innocent and naïve Wallace. When I find out who did this, and I make them sing like the proverbial fat lady, that's when it's over.

Wallace gives her a regretful look at her thirst for revenge but doesn't challenge her, instead returning his attention to his books. Veronica leans in to give him a pep talk.

[306/1826.jpg]VERONICA: Okay. You're Rocky. Mechanical Engineering is Mr. T. "Eye of the Tiger" is playing. I'll see you later on.

Veronica twists out of the chair and races off.


It takes a moment to sink in, whereupon Wallace throws down his pen and stares after her.


Veronica is already disappearing out of the door.


LIBRARY USER: [offscreen] Shhh.


Piz, in a bowling shirt, holds up his arms.

PIZ: Boom!

He points to his shirt for the benefit of Wallace, who has just come into the room.

PIZ: I'm set. Are you ready for a night of bowling? Huh? Fun, fun, fun.

Wallace, having dumped his bags on his bed, sits down with his books at his desk. On the wall above his desk, Wallace has a small white board on which he's written the weekdays with things to do on each, including: "Mon - learn to read," "Tues - learn to spell my...," "Wed - stop counting on my toes," and "Fri - meet w. Jonathan."

WALLACE: Ugh. Pretty sure I won't be ever having fun again. Ah, damn, that's tonight. I'm sorry, man, but it's impossible.

PIZ: No, dude, you have to go. I invited Veronica. I said there's a whole gang going, including you. So, if you're not there-

WALLACE: It's gonna look like you asked her out. Yeah, that sounds awkward. But it's not my problem.

Wallace points to his books.

WALLACE: This is.

Piz narrows his eyes and shakes his head at his roommate. He is not happy.


Keith has the phone in one hand and the leaflet for the Film Noir Festival in the other as Veronica enters the apartment.


KEITH: Hey, honey.

Keith keeps a wary eye on Veronica, who immediately heads for her room, before talking on the phone.

KEITH: So, uh, tomorrow's Out of the Past.


Harmony is lying on the couch at home.

KEITH: [offscreen] It's one of my all-time favourites.

She runs her hand through her hair.

HARMONY: I've got a conference at the Neptune Grand. I don't think I'm gonna be free, but I'd like to do something else.


Veronica comes out of her room carrying a bowling shirt and a t-shirt on hangers. She gestures to Keith that she needs his attention.

KEITH: Okay, keep me posted. Buh-bye.

Keith finishes the call.

VERONICA: So, for bowling.

[306/1929.jpg] Veronica holds the pale blue with white trim bowling shirt against her body.

VERONICA: Earnest "I'm really bowling" or...

Veronica swaps it for the t-shirt which appears to advertise a Waffle House, ending with "It's Moose-tastic."

VERONICA: "I'm too cool for bowling and I'm only here ironically."

KEITH: When did crappy old shirts with stupid stuff on them become cool?

Veronica casts a critical eye on the t-shirt before putting both shirts down on the counter.

VERONICA: I don't know why I ask you these things.

KEITH: I don't either, frankly.

Veronica picks up the Film Noir Festival pamphlet.

VERONICA: Were you just making a date? Look at you, Mr. Noir Secrets.

KEITH: No, I was just seeing if Harmony wanted to see-

VERONICA: Harmony? Harmony with the husband-who-isn't-cheating Harmony?

KEITH: [a little defiant] Yeah. So?

VERONICA: So, you're going on a date with a married woman.

Keith scoffs.

KEITH: It's not a date. Saw a movie, had a drink, and talked.

VERONICA: Which is a date.

KEITH: That's all we did. We're mature adults who happen to be friends.

Veronica isn't buying it and gives him an "I know better" look. She grabs the shirts and returns to her bedroom. Keith calls after her.

KEITH: And I like the dumb shirt.

Keith stares after her, uncomfortable.


Veronica, in her ironic bowling garb, breezes into Logan's bedroom. (He's taken over Duncan's old room.)

VERONICA: Hi, honey, I'm home.

Logan is sitting on the ottoman at the end of the bed trying his shoe laces.

LOGAN: Hey, moosetastic, hm?


Veronica sits close next to him.

LOGAN: What's that-

[306/2034.jpg] She plants a kiss on his lips.

LOGAN: Ummm.

VERONICA: I'm so tired of explaining. Hey, you've lived here a while. Do you have any inside connections?

LOGAN: Inside connections like wha...?

VERONICA: Like someone on staff you're pals with who might sneak you info they maybe aren't supposed to?


Logan thinks for a moment, then looks at her.


Tina, an attractive girl with long, blonde hair, is working at reception. Veronica and Logan are waiting further along the counter. Tina smiles as she hands a key card to a guest.

TINA: There you go.

GUEST: Thank you.

Veronica leans into Logan and whispers.

VERONICA: Your pal?

Logan opens his mouth and nods.

VERONICA: Of course.

Tina arrives in front of them.

LOGAN: Hi, Tina, uh, this is Veronica. Veronica...

TINA: Hi. What's going on, Logan.

LOGAN: Just that I've got a little favour.

Tina leans forward and whispers.

TINA: Anything.

LOGAN: Mm. I'm trying to find out if, ah, a person, you know, was registered here. Someone named...

VERONICA: Rory Finch.

TINA: This isn't illegal, is it? No, I'm just kidding. Hold on.

Veronica glances up at Logan who lifts his eyebrows and continues to smile.

TINA: Yeah. Rory Finch. He stayed with us for a night a week ago and a few other times over the last couple of months. Always one night stays.

VERONICA: Is there an address? Credit card number?

TINA: Mm, post office box and paid in cash. All I've got's a name.

VERONICA: If I left my cell number, could you call me if they check back in?

[306/2124.jpg] Tina beams.

TINA: Sure. Any friend of Logan's.

VERONICA: Girlfriend of Logan's.

Veronica possessively takes Logan's arm.

VERONICA: Come on, boyfriend, let's bowl.

Logan, a little embarrassed, gestures and mouths at Tina as he is led away.

LOGAN: Thank you.


Veronica strides along the aisle. Logan is a long way behind her. Piz, perched on the railing between the aisle and the lanes, slides off to greet her.

PIZ: Hey, Veronica.

He points at her t-shirt.

PIZ: Cool shirt.

He clutches his bowling shirt.

PIZ: I-I went for the, uh, post-ironic route.

VERONICA: Hey, Piz, where's...

Piz looks up and sees Logan for the first time.

PIZ: Oh. Hey, uh...

LOGAN: Logan, her boyfriend. We met.

PIZ: Right.

VERONICA: So, where's Wallace and the rest of this gang?

PIZ: Right, uh, the gang, uh, well, Wallace had a crisis, so he can't make it, and, um...

Piz shakes his head.

VERONICA: So, it's just...

Veronica looks back at Logan who smirks and is about to quip when they are joined by Parker.

PARKER: Veronica! Hi.

VERONICA: Hey, Parker. How's it going?


VERONICA: Uh, you met Logan, right?

PARKER: Yeah, hi, sure.

VERONICA: And you remember Piz.

Piz holds out his hand and he and Parker shake.

PARKER: Yeah, hi. So, um, where is everyone?

There's an awkward silence until Piz laughs and thinks of something to say. He clicks his fingers.

PIZ: Hey, shoes, we need shoes.

LOGAN: Yeah, let's get shoes.

Logan looks down at Veronica.

LOGAN: Uh, darling, what size are those dainty feet that I love so much?


Logan walks forward and pats Piz on the back as he leads him away.

LOGAN: So, bowling, huh? Is this [??] something you do a lot? You and the gang?

Parker is looking seriously disgruntled.

VERONICA: So, shoe size?

PARKER: A whole gang?

VERONICA: Well, Parker, some people couldn't make it, but it's-

PARKER: I can't believe you invite me out for the first time since I was...raped on some cheesy, double date set-up with that Piz guy.

She looks over her shoulder at Piz and Logan, now at the shoe counter.

VERONICA: It's not a set-up, I swear.

Parker stares at her suspiciously.

PARKER: Size seven, but this is not fun.

Cut to later in the evening. Music: unidentified. A bowling ball heads for the centre pin in alley fourteen. It's a strike. The camera switches to the other end of the alleys, revealing the sign over them: "Wednesday - The Big Lebowlski." Parker was the bowler. She throws her arms up in the air.

[306/2259.jpg]PARKER: Ya-hoo!

She spins around, triumphant.

PARKER: That's two-thirds of a turkey, bitches!

She marches back to the seating area where she slaps the hand of her partner, Logan, so hard that he shakes his hand. Piz rises somewhat disconsolately and walks forward for his turn.

PARKER: Ah, you're in a deep hole, Piznarski. We're going to totally humiliate you, but, you know, no pressure.

LOGAN: Refreshments?

PIZ: Ten martinis.

LOGAN: Anyone else?

He addresses Veronica with a grin.

LOGAN: Dearest darling?

Veronica, the other half of the losing team, just stares at him balefully. Logan heads off and Veronica takes a seat. Parker sits behind her. Veronica shouts at Piz, now holding his ball and preparing to bowl.

VERONICA: Come on, Piznarski. We're dying.

Veronica speaks more quietly to Parker.

VERONICA: Correct me if I'm wrong but...this is fun.

PARKER: Veronica. I'm sorry I was so grumpy before. You're right. It feels good to out in the world.

Piz has bowled his ball. He gets a split, leaving the two outmost pin standing.

PARKER: Oh no! Seven-ten? That's the worst pair in bowling.

Piz walks back, seriously put out.

PARKER: Whatever shall you do?

Veronica tries to encourage him.

VERONICA: Come on, Piz. We need that spare.

Parker continues to be, from Piz's point of view, obnoxious.

PARKER: Don't blow it, Piz.

Piz takes the ball again, glaring at her. He approaches the alley again.

PARKER: So, what's the story with him?

VERONICA: Him? Nothing. I've got a boyfriend.

PARKER: No. No, no, no, no. I mean, is he free?

VERONICA: Free as in...?

PARKER: As in he's cute, don't you think?

Piz bowls. His ball goes in the gutter.

PIZ: Damn it straight to hell.

PARKER: Find out what he thinks of me.


Parker stands without answering as Logan returns. Veronica is not happy with having been asked to play go-between. End music: unidentified.


Veronica collapses onto the couch as Logan changes his shirt in his bedroom behind her.

VERONICA: No more fun. Too exhausting.

LOGAN: Yeah. Next time we'll get in some weight training before we bowl.

VERONICA: Just the soap opera. Parker wants me to find out if Piz likes her. What do I do? Pass a note? Scribble it on his Trapper Keeper?

Veronica notices something in front of her. She leans forward to look more closely.

VERONICA: Hey, did you get an A?

LOGAN: Yeah, but the cheating kind of cheapens the whole thing.

VERONICA: You're only cheating yourself.

Veronica throws Logan's paper back on the ottoman that serves as the sofa's coffee table.

LOGAN: Yeah, well I got off easy.

Logan leaps over the back of the couch to land next to Veronica.

LOGAN: You know that kid Horshack? From the, uh, that prison experiment? He got caught doing two tests. They busted him. And guess who else? That, uh, that psycho guard that was tormenting him so bad, Rafe? Yeah, he, uh, he was taking his test for him. You believe that?

Veronica shakes her head.

LOGAN: People are crazy, huh?

There's a knock at the door.

LOGAN: Oh, thank God. Real food.

Logan gets up to get the door as Veronica relaxes with her arms behind her head. She hears the door open.

WAITER: [offscreen] Good evening, Mr. Echolls.


LOGAN: Yeah, hi.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: I recognise that voice.

LOGAN: Here's five, thanks.

WAITER: [offscreen] Have a good evening, thank you.

Veronica leaps up and races to the door. She gets there and sees the waiter. It's Jeff Ratner.

VERONICA: Wait! Excuse me? Jeff Ratner. What a surprise.

Logan pulls the trolley into the room as Veronica stares at Jeff, her arms folded.

LOGAN: Ah, you guys know each other?

Jeff just stares at Veronica defiantly.

VERONICA: You want to tell him, Ratner?

JEFF: What's to tell?

VERONICA: This is the guy who's trying to get me tossed out of Landry's class.

JEFF: You should be. You cheated.

VERONICA: Now it turns out you work at the Neptune Grand which happens to be where the fake paper was posted from. Strange, huh, Rory Finch.

JEFF: What are you talking about? I don't happen to work here. I've worked here two years. You've seen me a hundred times but you don't notice the little people, 'cause you're too busy lounging with...

[306/2555.jpg] Jeff points at Logan.

JEFF: Captain Moneybags, here.

LOGAN: That's Admiral Moneybags.

JEFF: I trust the steak's to your liking.

LOGAN: Always.

JEFF: Goodnight, then.

Jeff spins on his heel and walks away. Veronica stares hard after him.

LOGAN: Well, that's my girl, spreading sunshine wherever she goes.

VERONICA: That boy doesn’t know it yet but he's the living dead.

Logan kisses the top of her head.


The alarm next to Wallace's bed is sounding. It's 9:06. Wallace is fast asleep on top of the covers, a textbook open across his body. Piz returns to the room from the bathroom. He shouts from the door.

PIZ: Dude!

There is no reaction. He steps over to Wallace's bed.

PIZ: Dude. Hey...

He stumbles against the table in front of the small couch and picks up a tennis racket from the table.

PIZ: Hey look, man, it's school policy that if you're dead, I get to keep your stuff, so, if you are dead, just-just don't say anything.

[306/2626.jpg] There is still no response. Piz pokes Wallace's leg with the racket. Wallace finally stirs.

PIZ: Well, that's disappointing.

Wallace rolls over and sees the clock.

WALLACE: Oh, crap.

He leaps up to a sitting position and starts collecting his stuff.

PIZ: Yeah, I could have just left you there and taken your iPod and so....

Wallace doesn't even hear him and races out of the room, stumbling over the beanbag as he goes.

PIZ: You're welcome.

Piz stares after the departing Wallace for a moment, and then leans over the bed, trying to stop the alarm with the racket.


Basketball practice is well underway. There are shouts across the court of basketball talk. The ball is thrown to Mason who bounces it away, revealing the door to the gym which Wallace runs through.


The coach pointedly looks at the watch on his wrist.

WALLACE: Sorry, I missed my alarm.

COACH: Come here.

Mason has chased the ball to the bench behind the coach and stops to comment.

[306/2706.jpg]MASON: If it ain't Sleeping Beauty.

COACH: Play the game, Mason.

Mason returns to the game.

COACH: You have a chance to start this year, as a freshman. Don't blow it by staying up all night, partying. You need to buckle down, Fennel. And go suit up.


Wallace backs away, rubbing his face, then turns and runs to the locker room.


Music: "Prince of Wands" by Douglas Armour.

LYRICS: Want to hear your name on the radio
Oh, Lisa, hi...
Here you come and then there you go
Oh, Lisa, I...
It's always sunny where you lie
Don't ask why
Things don't work out the way you plan
It's always funny when you cry

Veronica walks into the outer room of the radio station, where all the albums are kept.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Eight years ago, I was sent to ask Brad Stark if he liked Suzy Doyle.

Piz is on the phone. Veronica waves at him and Piz, a big smile on his face, waves back. He gestures for her to give him a minute.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: The two of them never spoke again.

Veronica sighs heavily, uncomfortable with her commission.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: In the intervening years, I haven't gotten any better at this.

PIZ: No, okay. We-we'll talk later, all right? Bye.

Piz finishes his call and puts the phone down.

PIZ: Hey, Veronica.

VERONICA: Hey, Piz. Hey, thanks for bowling the other night. That was fun.

Piz walks over to the room's couch and takes a seat.

PIZ: Good, yeah, great, um, did Logan have a good time?

VERONICA: He did, as well. We both did.

Piz shuffles on the couch and gives a little laugh.

PIZ: So, everyone had a good time then. I declare bowling a success.

VERONICA: And Parker had a good time too.

PIZ: Oh, yeah, good. She seems nice.

VERONICA: You think so? The reason I ask is because...

Veronica flails and puts her hand to her head.

VERONICA: I'm sorry, I'm having a traumatic stress flashback to the sixth grade.

Piz looks up at her with a quizzical smile.

[306/2806.jpg]VERONICA: Parker thought you were cool.

Piz nods, still not getting it.

VERONICA: And also cute.

Finally, he does.

PIZ: Oh, huh. Ah, well...

He falls into an embarrassed loss for words.

PIZ: Oh.

VERONICA: Oh, what?

PIZ: I mean, no, she's really nice, it's j-...but she's not really my type.

VERONICA: Oh. You have a type.

PIZ: Yeah, kinda. And it's not her.

He glances up at Veronica through his fringe. She smiles a little sadly and nods. End music: "Prince of Wands" by Douglas Armour.


Professor Winkler is handing back work to the students.

WINKLER: Okay, so remember, this was just a practice quiz, but all this material will be in your next exam.

He reaches Wallace.

WINKLER: [without sarcasm] Mr. Fennel. Sixty-seven, D+. That's a real improvement.

Wallace takes and looks at his paper. He throws it down on the desk in frustration and sighs.


[306/2848.jpg] A chirpy Parker enters to see Veronica, working at the help counter.

PARKER: Hey, Veronica. Guess what I just found out? Piz has a radio show.


PARKER: Tonight. You know the station's right in the student union. Let's drop by.

VERONICA: It'll be late.

PARKER: Ah, late schmate. It'll be fun.

VERONICA: Everybody's always saying that.


Piz is broadcasting.

PIZ: Join us next time when we ask: why does everyone hate America?

Veronica appears at the window that looks out onto the Food Court.

PIZ: Is the rest of the world crazy or just stupid?

Piz looks up and they smile at each other.

PIZ: Well, that's it for the Piz. Stick around for Club Flush.

Piz ends with a gesture to the production booth. Music: unidentified. Piz removes his earphones just as Parker arrives to stand next to Veronica. She waves cheerily at him. Piz, not so excited to she her, gives her a less genuine smile and half-hearted wave. Cut to a few minutes later as Parker walks into the inner broadcast booth.

PARKER: This is so cool.

Piz is still sitting in the DJ's spot, finishing off.

PARKER: Why didn't you say you had a radio show?

VERONICA: You know, I-I meant to mention it, but I guess it just slipped my mind.

Piz, now standing, throws a glare at Veronica, who is leaning against the door behind Parker.

VERONICA: We were just in the neighbourhood.

PARKER: I always wanted to know how it all works. Maybe you could show me what all this stuff is sometime.

PIZ: Yeah, the guy who does the club and house show is supposed to start now.

Parker is thwarted, but not defeated.

PARKER: Well, what's everyone doing after? I could totally use pizza.

A voice calls out from the outer room.

MERCER: [offscreen] You can have this.

Veronica and Parker move to the outer room. Mercer is standing there with a slice of pizza in one hand and some records in the other. Piz follows them out.

MERCER: I only licked it a little. Hey, Veronica.

VERONICA: Hey, Mercer. You're the club and house show?

MERCER: The down and dirty clubbin'-est.

Mercer steps forward, throwing his pizza slice on top of the albums, and proffers his hand to Parker.

MERCER: Hi, I'm Mercer.


As Parker shakes his hand, her smile falls away, replaced by a look of something very different.

PIZ: Well, I haven't eaten dinner, so I could grab a slice.

Parker drops Mercer's hand.

PARKER: A-actually, uh, w-we gotta go.

[306/2959.jpg] She points to Veronica, who is surprised by the sudden change of tactic.

PARKER: Um, w-we'll see you later, Piz.

Parker grabs Veronica's arm and hurries her out of the room in something of a panic. Mercer, seemingly oblivious to Parker's sudden chill, calls after them.

MERCER: Uh, nice meeting you, Parker.

Piz is confused. End music: unidentified.


Parker is clutching Veronica's arm as she leads her out of the room. Veronica is concerned and puts her hand over Parker's.

[306/3005.jpg]VERONICA: Parker, are you okay?

PARKER: Oh, that guy, Mercer. I, just...his cologne. I smelled it before.

Veronica turns to look at her, bringing them to a stop. Parker looks sick and is breathing fitfully.


PARKER: It's like burned into my brain...from the night I was raped.

Veronica looks over Parker's shoulder and watches Mercer go to the large bookcase housing the station's vinyl collection.

PARKER: I mean, I-I can't be sure but...oh, I just-I just got the worst-

VERONICA: Vibe? Yeah.

Veronica takes her arm and leads her further down the hallway, away from the radio station.

VERONICA: He'll be in there for the next two hours. I'll look into it.


Veronica lets herself into Mercer's room with the big bunch of keys.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Because I've still got twenty-four hours with Weevil's keys.

[306/3106.jpg] She shuts the door and puts the keys back in her bag. She picks up a sweater from the floor and places her hands inside it so that she can search without leaving any prints. She starts with a small table by the door, opening the drawer and rifling through the clothes folded inside. She moves to the closet and searches there. She doesn't find anything of interest. She then walks over to a large chest of drawers. On top, there are various bottles and grooming products. She picks up a bottle of cologne. She replaces it and writes the name of it down on a small pad she is carrying, having divested herself of the sweater to do so. She grabs the sweater, which she had hung over her bag, replaces her hands into it and checks the drawers. She pauses at the second drawer down. She lifts a piece of clothing to reveal hair clippers and what looks like a plastic bottle of pills (or shoe polish.) Veronica finds this significant.


Lamb is heading to his office, muttering to himself.

LAMB: You wanna know why? 'Cause I'll stick my foot so far up your-

He stops short at the door on seeing Veronica sitting at his desk. He shouts.

[306/3122.jpg]LAMB: Hey!

He spins round to address the office in general.

LAMB: Can someone let me know when some girl is in my office?

He turns back and walks into his office.

LAMB: What are you doing here?

VERONICA: I'm here about the rapes at Hearst.

LAMB: Already aware of them. Thanks for coming by. I'm real busy.

Now behind his desk, Lamb does a bow-come-gesture to usher her out of his sight. Veronica ignores it as he drops down into his seat.

VERONICA: This is sketchy, but-

LAMB: If it's Bigfoot, we checked. He's got an alibi.

VERONICA: Oh, rape humour. It never gets old. I know one of the victims. Yesterday, she thought she recognised the guy who raped her, by his cologne.

Lamb scoffs and throws his pen across the desk.

VERONICA: And that I just happened to be in his room and I saw some clippers.

LAMB: Does this man have a name?

VERONICA: Mercer Hayes.

Lamb is suddenly interested and leans forward towards her.

LAMB: The kid who ran the card room who got robbed.

VERONICA: That's him. What?

LAMB: We finally found the stolen cashbox and...along with all the money, we found something interesting.

Lamb goes on, more thinking aloud than sharing.

LAMB: Two vials of GHB, the same date rape drug the rapist used on two of his victims.


The coach is working on plays on a blackboard set up on an easel in the gym. He hears someone approaching and looks up.


Wallace walks towards him slowly. The coach continues to writes on the board.

COACH: How's my diaper dandy? Here to get some extra work in?

WALLACE: Actually, coach...

[306/3220.jpg] The coach pauses his work and looks over at Wallace.

WALLACE: I got this class that's killing me and I could drop it, change majors, but it's what I want to do for a living. Uh, I think I need to take the semester off. I'd be back by mid-season. I know you don't have to keep me on scholarship.

COACH: Keep the scholarship, Wallace, but you do realise you're throwing away your chance to start. You probably won't smell the court this year. Are you prepared for that?

Wallace's brow furrows at what it is costing him, but nods firmly.


Veronica walks towards the reception desk.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: I assumed after I called Ratner on this Rory Finch thing, it was over, until my new friend, Tina Callas, told me he just made a reservation.

Tina sees her coming and gives her a quick smile before taking on a professional demeanour.

VERONICA: You rang?

Tina hands her a card.

TINA: There you are, Miss.

Veronica takes the Neptune Grand business card and turns it over. On the back is written: "Rory Finch room 906." Veronica smiles and walks away from the desk, putting the card in her bag. As she walks across the hotel foyer, Veronica spots something that surprises her. It's Keith, standing at the bar. He turns around and does a double-take on seeing her. They exchange a long glance before Veronica joins him at the bar.

VERONICA: What are you doing here?

KEITH: Just grabbing a drink. Are you, um...

Keith points upstairs, indicating Logan, but before he can verbalise the question, the bartender sets two martinis down in front of him.

BARTENDER: Two martinis, sir.

[306/3328.jpg] Veronica raises an eyebrow and catches the worried glance Keith throws over her shoulder. She looks around and sees Harmony waiting at one of the bar's tables. She looks back at Keith.

VERONICA: What are you doing?

KEITH: Honey, I told you. It's completely innocent. We're just friends.

VERONICA: You think the other person's great and you have a great time doing stuff together friends?

KEITH: And there's nothing wrong with it.

Veronica looks back at Harmony.

VERONICA: Unless your friend is a very attractive, unhappily married woman.

KEITH: Veronica. I know a little more about this than you. Don't worry.

VERONICA: I worry.

Veronica backs away from him. Keith watches her go, looking guilty.


Veronica walks purposively up the hallway.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Okay, number 906, behind which lies the answer to everything.

Veronica reaches room 906 and knocks firmly. She shows shock at seeing who it is.

MINDY: Veronica Mars?

Mindy is dressed in a hotel bathrobe.

VERONICA: Mrs. O'Dell?

Veronica is stunned and at a temporary loss for words.

VERONICA: I-I was looking into a term paper thing and I...I'm sorry. Uh, wrong room.

Veronica backs away, looking perplexed. Mindy shuts the door. Veronica heads back to the lift slowly, her brow furrowed.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: So now I'm actually confused. What is the dean's wife have to do with the mysterious Rory Finch?

In front of her, there's the sound of the ping of the lift and the doors open. She looks up to see Professor Landry, casually dressed and carrying a bottle of champagne. He stops short on seeing her.

[306/3440.jpg]LANDRY: Oh. Veronica.

He starts forward again and they pause as they pass in the hallway.

VERONICA: Professor. Hi. off on the wrong floor.

LANDRY: Ah. Well, nice seeing you.

VERONICA: See you in class.

They both head on their way. Veronica gets into the newly arrived lift and watches him for moment as he heads for the corner around which is only room 906. Veronica calls out.

VERONICA: Rory Finch?

Landry stops and stares at her as the doors of the lift close. Veronica sags, disappointed in her academic knight.


While Veronica is having her adventure upstairs, Keith is having his own in the bar having returned to the table where Harmony waited with the martinis.

HARMONY: Perfect.

Harmony holds out her glass to clink glasses but Keith has already begun to lift his to his lips.



Keith grimaces at his faux pas and quickly clinks her glass with his. Harmony chuckles.

HARMONY: You know what they say about martinis.

KEITH: Um, something involving breasts.

Both sip. Harmony smiles.

KEITH: One's two few, etcetera. I'll have to settle for one if I'm going to make it home.

Keith takes another sip.

HARMONY: We don't have to worry. I mean, if we don't want to.

KEITH: What do you mean?

HARMONY: I mean...

Harmony stares at him intently, willing him to understand. He doesn't, and she puts down her glass with something like a sigh.

HARMONY: Well, honestly, um, I need to tell you something. I wouldn't, but all alone at the house I've got a lot of time on my hands to think, and one of the things that I think is knowing that I don't want to be lying on my death bed some day just counting regrets.

KEITH: I'm still not sure what you mean.

[306/3551.jpg] Keith is still being obtuse and takes another sip of his martini.

HARMONY: [slowly, staccato] I mean, I got a room, here, if-if we think we might have use for...

Harmony is horrified by the idea that she's gone too far.

HARMONY: Oh, no.

KEITH: Harmony, I don't know if that's such a good idea, right now.

HARMONY: Oh, no, Keith, I'm sorry, I've ruined-

KEITH: No. You didn't ruin anything because I really, really, really want to say yes. You are an amazing woman and...I just can't.

Harmony smiles through the embarrassment and shakes her head.

KEITH: I don't want to be on my death bed counting regrets either, but I just can't figure out which I'd regret more, going up or not going up, so, I have to, uh...

Keith struggles as Harmony watches him.

KEITH: I'm sorry.

HARMONY: Yeah, mm-hm.

Keith slinks away as Harmony remains where she is, swallowing hard. Music: "I'm Not In Love" by 10cc.

LYRICS: I'm not in love, so don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because I call you up
Don't get me wrong; don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love, no, no, it's because...
I like to see you, but then again
That doesn't mean you mean that much to me


[306/3651.jpg] Keith drives home, still pondering his decision. He pauses as a junction, waiting to turn left. A car barrels out of the road he wants to turn into and straight into Keith's car. There's a cacophony of sound as metal scrunches and grinds on metal. The pickup truck that caused the accident stops past the point of impact. Keith's car has been turned more than ninety degrees by the impact. The man in the truck gets out and looks back.

DRIVER: Oh, man!

Keith is pressed against the back of his seat by the inflated airbag, covered in glass. The driver makes his way over to Keith.

DRIVER: I totally didn't see that sign.

Keith punches back the airbag.

DRIVER: Are you okay?

The driver leans in towards Keith.

DRIVER: Are you okay?

Keith pushes himself out of the car.

KEITH: Yeah, yeah, I-I'm okay, I'm okay.

The drives breathes a sigh of relief.

DRIVER: Man, I-I guess I...I'll get some help.

The driver races away. Keith, still dazed, gingerly touches his head. He takes a step back and surveys the damage before falling aback against the car in relief at still being alive. He laughs as he looks into the car, where the radio is still playing. His face then becomes serious and he shakes his head. The music gets louder.


There's a knock on the door and Harmony rises on tiptoes to peer through the peephole. She drops down and opens the door. There's no mussing and no fussing as Keith puts his hands on her face and kisses her hard. They grab each other hungrily. Keith slams the door shut with his foot before starting to slide Harmony's dress from her shoulder. He lifts her and they spin to another part of the room, never breaking their frantic kiss. End music: "I'm Not In Love" by 10cc.


Veronica, still in her dressing gown, is stirring scrambled eggs in a pan on the stove. She calls out to Keith.

VERONICA: Dad? This nutritious breakfast isn't going to eat itself. Come on, up and at 'em!

[306/3813.jpg] Veronica gets no response. She turns off the heat and puts the pan back on the stove after a final stir.


Veronica goes to his bedroom.

VERONICA: Dad, come on.

She knocks on the door and on getting no answer, she opens it. Keith's bed has not been slept in. Veronica looks both worried and disapproving.


Timothy is working in his room. Veronica appears, knocking casually on the open door before sauntering in. She's carrying a sheet of paper.

TIMOTHY: Miss Mars. Do you need something?

VERONICA: Just to give you this.

She lays the piece of paper on his desk. He picks it up.

VERONICA: This proves that whoever posted the paper I supposedly copied online did so after I'd already turned mine in. I didn't cheat, this proves it, and that's the end of that.


Timothy discards the sheet of paper and leans back in his chair, looking up at her.

TIMOTHY: So you're off the hook. Did you prove who did it?

VERONICA: More...process of elimination, but I'm still not sure why, so I thought I'd ask. Why did you do it?

Timothy laughs. Veronica leans towards him, dropping her voice.

VERONICA: Why did you want me to follow that trail to Rory Finch. You could get in a lot of trouble, you know, if I decided-

TIMOTHY: Let me interrupt and preface this entire conversation with this. Uh, I didn't do it, and you can't prove that I did. Hypothetically, uh, I can see where one might think someone in my position would want to set up this sort of treasure hunt. I mean, after all, I was Professor Landry's protégé for three years before you showed up. A star pupil, right hand man. I got his dry cleaning, ordered Chinese when we worked late. I was like you: "What a professor! Smart, charming, such a great guy."

VERONICA: And then you find out he had affair with the dean's wife.

TIMOTHY: There were others before. The dean's wife, that's recent.

Timothy bends forward, resting his elbows on the desk, now dropping his voice.

TIMOTHY: A person in my position might have thought he was doing you a favour. Since the professor thinks so highly of you, it might be helpful to demonstrate who he really is before you go too far under his spell.

Veronica straightens and Timothy leans back in his chair again.

VERONICA: Do me a favour, will you? Don't do me any more favours.

Veronica turns around to leave the office. As she goes, she notices what's on a large board on the wall next to the door.

[306/4001.jpg]VERONICA VOICEOVER: What's this?

The board is filled with a map of the campus and press clippings and notes about the rapes. There are various headlines, like "Second rape victim comes forward with details" and "Campus rapes continue to go unpunished," with the work "unpunished" highlighted. There are the pictures Parker and Nancy used to make the posters they carried in 304 "Charlie Don't Surf," and a similar one of Claire. On the map, various locations have been marked. A triangle has been made of the locations of rapes one, two and four with a central building, another of rape two and that same building and another. Four rapes are marked up. Rape #3, Nancy's, is shown as occurring in Bennis Hall (based on that being marked as Logan's location in 303 "Wichita Linebacker." On the locations he's marked, Timothy has written various comments, like "Forced entry?" and "Need key to access." Veronica studies the board.

VERONICA: You have the same kind of crazy press clipping board every movie serial killer keeps.

TIMOTHY: You know, there's been no DNA evidence so far. No semen, no hair. Makes you wonder.

Veronica peers more closely at the board, in the vicinity of Nancy's picture.


TIMOTHY: [eagerly] You-you see something I don't?

Veronica smirks and shrugs, giving nothing away.


Realising he's not going to get anything more, Timothy returns to his scam.

TIMOTHY: You really thought Ratner did it.

Veronica whips her head around to stare at him as she realises something.

VERONICA: Oh, crap.


[306/4035.jpg] Two managerial-looking hotel staff are opening a car, presumably owned by Jeff, who is standing between them, watching. The boot opens to reveal stacks of hotel goods - soaps, shampoos, towels, at least one bathrobe, at least one ice bucket.

JEFF: No, no.

Jeff steps forward to look more closely inside.

JEFF: I did not put those in there.

He doesn't appear to be believed as one of the managers shakes his head.


Professor Winkler is lecturing. He underlines the words "Hooke's Law" on the board.

[306/4047.jpg]WINKLER: Hooke's Law and a prismatic rod. Length L and cross-sectional area A, we treat as a linear spring. So, extension is linearly proportional to tensile stress by a constant factor...

Wallace has given up his seat in the back of the room in favour for one in the front row. He listens carefully and frantically takes notes.

WINKLER: The inverse of its modulus of elasticity.

Winkler glances down at him with a hint of approval.


Veronica carries her lunch tray into the seating area.

DEAN O'DELL: Ah, Miss Mars.

She's startled and turns to see the dean at one of the small tables, eating his lunch.

DEAN O'DELL: Join me, would you.

VERONICA: [hesitantly] Uh, sure, Dean.

She looks around briefly before laying her tray at his table and sitting down.

DEAN O'DELL: I just don't want more kids coming and giving me their ideas about how to run the school, my biggest problem as dean.

He leans forward and confides in Veronica in a loud whisper.

DEAN O'DELL: I don't like college students. Most of them anyway.

VERONICA: So why do you eat here?

He holds up the hamburger he is eating.

DEAN O'DELL: This damn burger. I love it. If you see my wife, don't tell her. There's some things she's better off not knowing.

Veronica is uncomfortable at this and swallows hard.

VERONICA: Dean, I...

He turns his face to her so abruptly, alert to what she has to say, that Veronica's resolve fails her and she passes it off by gesturing that he has food on his chin.

VERONICA: Just some, uh...


The dean wipes his mouth with a napkin just as Logan arrives behind Veronica. He bends down, speaking urgently.

LOGAN: Hey, I need to talk to you.

Logan looks up and notices who Veronica is sitting with, for what appears to be the first time as he is a little taken aback.

VERONICA: Sorry, I'll be right back.

Veronica rises from the table and follows Logan a little away from it.

[306/4153.jpg]VERONICA: So, what's up?

LOGAN: [gravely] I need your help.

VERONICA: What's wrong?

LOGAN: It's Mercer. Lamb just arrested him for the rapes on campus. He didn't do it, okay? You have to help.

VERONICA: How do you know he didn't do it?

LOGAN: 'Cause I was with him the night of the rape this summer.

VERONICA: Where? Doing what?

LOGAN: I can't tell you, okay, but you have to trust me. He's innocent.

Veronica stares at Logan. End. Executive producer Rob Thomas.

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