3.03 Wichita Linebacker

Written by: Phil Klemmer and John Enbom
Directed by: Harry Winer

Original Air Date: 17 October, 2006
Transcribed by Inigo.
Last edited: 23 October, 2006

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars...

Veronica sneaks into the secret room at Zeta Theta Beta and discovers the marijuana crop in 302 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

VERONICA: [offscreen] There's going to be an article in the school newspaper.

A regretful Veronica stands at the door of the sorority, before den mother Karen and Marjorie, the cool sorority girl.

VERONICA: You need to get rid of the marijuana before it comes out.

As they stand by the Saturn, Marjorie pleads with Veronica.

MARJORIE: Karen has cancer. This botany professor gave her some seeds.

In the library, Veronica picks up a copy of the newspaper article about the marijuana. She is named as the article's "contributor."

MARJORIE: [offscreen] She won't just lose her job over this, she'll lose her insurance. Please don't say anything.

Fern passes Veronica as she reads the article.

FERN: Well done, sister.

Veronica is not so pleased with herself. Cut to Nancy at the Take Back the Night rally in 301 "Welcome Wagon."

NANCY: How many women like me have to be raped...

Parker stands in front of the mirror, horrified by her shaved head and the realisation that she has been raped. Veronica and Mac stare at her and each other in shock.

NANCY: [offscreen] ...before this administration listens to our demands?

Logan gifts Veronica with a key to his room at the Neptune Grand.

VERONICA: Your room key? What if I drop in unexpectedly?

LOGAN: You know there's no one else. You ought to know that by now.

End previously.


A football player, wearing shirt number 44, is running up and down the steps in the stands. A coach watches, yelling at him.

COACH FRY: Is it too tough, Fenstermacher? Huh? Instead of skipping meetings, why don't you just quit? Focus on your philosophy full-time. You'll read your Plato, drink your espresso, eat all the cheese you want. Come on, you can move it, move it...

Veronica is further along in the stands, observing.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Football. The systematic violation of the Geneva Convention made into a sport. I'm surprised the ASPCA doesn't protest.

[303/0056.jpg]Veronica returns her attention to the newspaper in her hands.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Like these ladies.

Veronica is reading a copy of Hearst Free Press. The self-proclaimed "Independent Student Voice of Hearst College Since 1928" is dated Monday, September 18, 2006. On the smaller section, the left-hand column, there are a couple of short pieces under the heading, "Inside Today": "News - Botany Exhibit," "Cadence - Mixer IOI," and "Sports - Stirring Victory." Most of the paper, however, is taken up with a large photograph under the headline "Lilith House Protest Creates Controversy." It shows about fifteen female students baring their breasts in the stands of some event. Black bars cover the actual naked breasts. From the front of the stand, they've hung a banner which reads: "We Go to Hearst. Go Ahead, RAPE US!" The caption under the picture reads: "Asking for it? Members of the feminist rights organization, Lilith House, protested the serial rapes with a flashy presentation at Thursday's game."

VERONICA VOICEOVER: We go to Hearst. Go ahead and rape us.

LOGAN: [offscreen] Oh, boy.

Logan appears at the top of the stands, behind Veronica, looking over her shoulder at the newspaper. He lifts himself up on the rail to get a better look.

LOGAN: Nudity.

Veronica scoffs.

VERONICA: If you have words written on yourself, it's not nudity, it's political speech: taking control of one's body to turn the objectifying male gaze back on its-


VERONICA: -self...

LOGAN: ...kay. No more college for you.

Veronica rises to join Logan and they walk up to the top, arm in arm. At the top, two girls are passing by. One of them calls out to Logan, who is by now disentangled from Veronica.

CUTE GIRL: So, Logan! See you at the party?

LOGAN: Absolutely.

CUTE GIRL: Bring your friend, if you want.

LOGAN: O...kay.

Logan laughs as Veronica takes a good look at the two girls. Veronica and Logan carry on walking.

[303/0137.jpg]VERONICA: New friends?

LOGAN: Yeah, from weightlifting class.

VERONICA: Right! The only class you never miss. So what? You guys spot each other doing squat thrusts and stuff?

LOGAN: Have group sex in the showers.


LOGAN: What is this? Jealous?

Logan, walking behind her, puts his arms around her waist and grins. He bends down to kiss her neck.

VERONICA: Ooh, jealous would involve piano wire.


He lets her go and resumes walking next to her.

LOGAN: So what was that?

VERONICA: That was mild annoyance at the fact that two gym buddies invite you to a party and you're there already, but whenever I want to do something interesting, you're busy.

LOGAN: What do you mean, interesting like some fossil wheezing through a novel, huh?

VERONICA: First, Martin Amis isn't a fossil, and second, yes, it's college. We are supposed to expand our horizons past video games and binge drinking.

LOGAN: My horizons go slightly beyond that.

VERONICA: Great! So, how 'bout tonight we check out the Art Major group show?

LOGAN: [sheepishly] I'm busy.

Veronica is fed up.

LOGAN: No, really. I have a class 'til ten but, uh, you come by afterwards, we could write on ourselves, get real, uh...

[303/0222.jpg]He pushes back a strand of hair from her face.

LOGAN: Political.

He smirks.

VERONICA: That's what a girl likes to hear.

She grips his shoulder and puts on a husky voice.

VERONICA: "Darling."

Logan laughs.

VERONICA: "Do all the weird crap you like, just don't be late for the booty call." Really, how do you think that sounds?

Logan strokes her face and moves in closer to her.

LOGAN: I think that sounds romantic.

VERONICA: You also think weightlifting is an actual class.

LOGAN: Mm-hm.


She leans forward and kisses him.

VERONICA: Got errands.

She turns and walks away under his lingering gaze.


The football player trudges wearily to his backpack. He reaches for a bottle of water in one of the pockets, but then freezes. He pulls the bag off the peg and starts pulling stuff out, frantically searching for something.


A large sign welcomes drivers to Jumbo's Clown Wash, a car-cleaning operation. Weevil, dressed in overalls with the Jumbo logo on the back, grabs his bag from the side, under the price lists, which include a charge of $139.99 for a complete detailing. The owner comes from around the corner and sees Weevil leaving.

CAR WASH BOSS: What are you doing?

Weevil turns back to face the man as he approaches.

WEEVIL: The guy in the SUV looks like he digs magic so I'm getting my doves. I'm leaving, what do you think? My shift ended half an hour ago, man.

CAR WASH BOSS: Not 'til Ray-Ray gets here.

WEEVIL: Hey, screw you! I've been washing these-

The owner responds angrily to the aggression, putting a finger in Weevil's face.

CAR WASH BOSS: Hey! No lip. Work, or it's back to Chino.

[303/0313.jpg]Weevil snaps. With his right hand, he grabs the man's shirt. He pulls back his left for a punch. A guy working near the confrontation grasps Weevil's left arm to stop him. He holds onto the furious Weevil.

BRUNO: Hey! Hey. I hit my boss once. It wasn't quite worth the extra year. All right?

Weevil calms down a little, and Bruno goes back to work. Behind them, Weevils notices Veronica's Saturn pull up.

WEEVIL: All right. Guess I'll go wash some, uh, spoiled bitch's graduation gift from Daddy, huh?

VERONICA: I'm not spoiled...

Weevil turns to face Veronica, now leaning against the side of the Saturn.

VERONICA: And, uh, technically it wasn't for graduation.

WEEVIL: What about the bitch part?

VERONICA: Uh, it depends on who you ask.

Weevil joins Veronica at the car.

VERONICA: How are you, Weevil. I haven't seen you...

WEEVIL: Since that awkward "arrested for murder" incident? Yeah, I remember.

VERONICA: You plea-bargained down to assault?

WEEVIL: And now I'm working at the car wash, which as is turns out is not as fun as the song might sound.

[303/0408.jpg]Veronica's cell phone rings.


She takes the phone out of her pocket and answers it.


Weevil glances back at the owner, who is watching him.

VERONICA: Sure. Okay.

With a thoughtful look, Veronica ends the call.

VERONICA: And I'm being called in to see the dean of Hearst College.

WEEVIL: Leopard didn't change her spots, I see. Wonder if Hearst knows about your-


The owner walks towards them.

CAR WASH BOSS: You think I'm paying you to harass the ladies? Screw off again, and you're out on your ass, cholo. You got me?

It's too much for Weevil, who is enraged. He turns and lunges at the owner.

VERONICA: Weevil, don't!

Weevil grabs the man by his collar and swings him around. Using the momentum, he throws the man against a snack dispenser. He presses against the man's throat with his forearm.

WEEVIL: I got you. Now, what should I do with you, huh?

CAR WASH BOSS: You should let me go. I'd call your parole officer.

Weevil swings back his arm and throws a punch, landing it right next to the man's head, breaking the glass on the machine. He walks away, passing Veronica.

WEEVIL: I didn't change my spots either. Nice seeing you, V.

Veronica sighs.


Piz bursts through a door into a corridor, talking a mile a minute. A girl follows him, walking quickly down the corridor.

PIZ: ...I know, but, look, I don't want to be one of those mumbly college radio emo-rocker guys who just, all they want is to play their band's demo, you know...

Piz opens the door for her, striving to keep up with her and with the patter. They enter one of the multiple rooms that form the site of the Hearst College radio station. Music: unidentified.

PIZ: Though, um, I-I should mention that-that my band really is quite good and we-we're called Black Licorice, which is really cool...

While they disappear through one set of doors, the camera follows through another, into the actual radio studio. Piz and Trish appear at the far end, beyond the glass, in the producer's room.

PIZ: 'Cause it's dark and moody but at the same time, it's candy, you know?

TRISH: So, you're pitching what exactly?

PIZ: A call-in show. Um, you know, political affairs, cultural affairs...

[303/0501.jpg]The camera switches to the production booth and the music mutes. On the walls of the booth is a poster for Exene Cervenka and the Original Sinners' album Sev7en and a sign: "This Saturday on KRFF!!"

PIZ: Whatever affairs. Witty, smart, go crazy. It's like, it's like Jon Stewart meets Crossfire, if Jon Stewart didn't hate Crossfire, and-

The door into the production booth suddenly opens. It's Kurt, the football player from the earlier scenes.

KURT: Hey, Trish.

Kurt holds up his hand to Piz in acknowledgement of interrupting them.

KURT: Sorry.

Piz employs himself with fiddling with what looks like a stopwatch from off one of the surfaces. Kurt turns worriedly to Trish.

KURT: Um, you didn't see a big three-ring binder lying in my room this morning?

TRISH: No. What's wrong?

VERONICA: No, it's nothing. I'm just dead.


The dean, Cyrus O'Dell according to the nameplate on his desk, is standing on that desk, poking at the air conditioning vent in the ceiling with the handle of a broom. He pounds on the vent hard, to no avail. End music: unidentified. The door to his office opens.

VERONICA: Dean O'Dell?

Veronica opens the door fully. She hesitates when he doesn't respond or move from his place on the desk.

VERONICA: They...said you wanted to see me?

The dean doesn't look at her, continuing to stare at the vent.

DEAN O'DELL: We can download pictures from the surface of the moons of Jupiter onto a portable phone, but we can't keep the air conditioner in this office running for more than a week at a time.

Veronica nods cautiously and smiles.

DEAN O'DELL: Is there some clue about the human predicament buried in that fact?

VERONICA: Uh...I'm a freshman. I only recently figured out where Waldo was.

DEAN O'DELL: Please sit.

The dean takes a step back, preparing to climb off the desk, but the bottom part of the broom knocks a picture off of his desk.

[303/0547.jpg]DEAN O'DELL: Gah!

Veronica rushes forward to rescue the picture as the dean jumps off of his desk. Veronica looks at the picture. It shows a girl flanked by two boys. The boy on the right has Kiss-like make-up on and is wearing a black t-shirt with the word "transplants" on it, over a picture that is obscured by his crossed arms. The other boy is younger, ten to twelve. The girl is holding up her hand, behind the younger boy's head, her fingers in a corna (bull horns).

VERONICA: Your kids?

The dean takes the picture, a little offended.

DEAN O'DELL: My wife, my son from a previous marriage, and my stepson.

Veronica sucks in her cheeks at her faux pas as the dean takes the broom and leaves it just outside his office. He shuts the door.

DEAN O'DELL: Mrs. O'Dell was my grad student back when you could do things like that.

He picks up a copy of the Hearst Free Press from the arm of the couch in his office, then sits on the arm, facing Veronica who is by now sitting on one of the chairs in front of his desk.

DEAN O'DELL: So, Miss Mars. It's rare when a freshman makes quite as big a splash here as quickly as you have. Well done. I'm talking about the Free Press article.

He holds up the paper. It's the issue with the marijuana story from 302 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

DEAN O'DELL: The sorority exposé. Sharp piece of writing.

VERONICA: Thanks. Actually the editor took some liberties-

DEAN O'DELL: You wrote that a source told you that the housemother got her pot seeds from a staff member here. I wanna know who said it and who that staffer was.

VERONICA: Actually, Dean O'Dell, I think that's covered under-

DEAN O'DELL: Protection of sources, yes. A fine thing for The New York Times, but I want that name, so you can tell me, or I'll have you expelled from Hearst College.

[303/0634.jpg]Dean O'Dell looks at her expectantly. Veronica is speechless.

Opening credits.


Veronica is at her desk in the library, writing in a ring binder.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: I wouldn't give Dean O'Dell my source. He gave me a week to change my mind.

Veronica's thoughts are interrupted as an over-excited Piz bangs the bell on the help desk, which she is manning.

VERONICA: Piz! What are you doing here?

PIZ: Hey, Veronica. Uh, W-Wallace told me worked at the information desk and...

VERONICA: You need some information? Okay. Slugs have four noses. That's what I'm offering today.

Veronica returns to her books as Piz laughs politely before going on, a little desperate.

PIZ: I actually need more like a favour. My future mentor on radio, knock on wood...

Piz demonstrates by knocking on the desk and then drops his voice down to a whisper.

PIZ: ...has a boyfriend with a problem. I'm trying to impress her.

Veronica gazes up at him sceptically. The scene shifts as the camera follows the back of one of the library's bookshelves before revealing Kurt, Trish, and Veronica sitting at one of the library tables. Piz is standing next to one of the chairs, leaning on the table.

KURT: Our football playbooks aren't supposed to leave the athletic complex, but I missed a few meetings for a lecture...I needed to catch up, so I had it in my bag. We turn in each week's game plans and new plays on Mondays. If I don't have it, they're going to use it as an excuse to yank my scholarship.

VERONICA: So staying on the team is worth five hundred dollars? Which is my fee.

Piz leans over the chair and hits Veronica on the arm, offended.

PIZ: That's what you charged me. You said it was your friends' rate.

VERONICA: It was my friends of friends' rate which have now extended to friends of friends of friends.

Kurt holds up his hands, impatient with the bickering.

KURT: Fine. I mean, I can't go to the cops, it would just be admitting I lost it...or worse, it was stolen.

VERONICA: Stolen, like, by another team?

TRISH: Or by someone who wants him off the team.

KURT: She's talking about my position coach. I was a big deal coming out of high school, started here as a freshman, but then I tore my ACL end of last season and now I don't see much playing time. As far as Coach is concerned, I'm just a waste of a scholarship.

VERONICA: So tell me about that night, every place you could've lost it, every person who could have taken it.

KURT: It was in my bag the whole time. I didn't have time to study it. I never unzipped it until today.

VERONICA: This bag?

[303/0828.jpg]Veronica points to the backpack on the table.

KURT: Yeah. I mean, I had it all night.


In a glare of yellow/orange lighting, Kurt, with his bag on his shoulder, and Trish meet in a room full of artwork.

KURT VOICEOVER: I met Trish and we went to the art show at the Student Union.

Trish pulls Kurt over to one of the exhibiting artist-students.

KURT VOICEOVER: Her friend Larry had a few...masterpieces on display.

Trish a talking to the artist, a blonde bloke. Some others guys can be seen in the background, looking at the pieces on the walls.

End flashback.


KURT: Then I went back to my room, and my buddy Pop, um, Brian Popovich, stopped by to play Guitar Hero.

PIZ: Dude, that game rocks.

Kurt laughs and nods.

KURT: Yeah, it does.


Music: the guitar riff from "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. Kurt's bag is on the floor. Under a poster that finishes "Pigskin - Eat It Raw," the video game Guitar Hero is on the large TV screen. In front of the TV, Kurt and Pop are playing, or pretending to play their guitars in true rock fashion.

KURT VOICEOVER: Pop's my best friend from the team.

Pop jumps up on the bed, continuing to posture.

KURT VOICEOVER: I was there the rest of the night. The only other people I saw were these cheerleaders who dropped by.

[303/0908.jpg]Two girls walk in, giggling and carrying a large bucket of popcorn.

KURT VOICEOVER: They brought popcorn for Pop.

End flashback. End music: "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple.


KURT: Cheerleaders are clever that way.

Veronica smiles passively.

KURT: Yeah, I have no idea where it went, but if I lose that scholarship-

Trish puts comforting hands on his arm.

TRISH: Kurt. We'll figure out another way. I've got the whole Pell Grant thing worked out, and your grades are great.

KURT: Maybe I don't want to get thrown off the team. You know, love of the game and all that.

Kurt returns his attention to Veronica.

KURT: I need that book.

VERONICA: Or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Maybe it's easier to just get a new playbook for you to turn in.

This hasn't occurred to Kurt. Veronica smiles.


As Veronica heads towards a fountain, she is joined by Dick, carrying a large can of beer in a paper bag.

DICK: Veronica Mars, modern college girl on the go.

VERONICA: Dick Casablancas, Neolithic college boy on the sauce.

They continue walking side by side, around the fountain.

DICK: Okay. Not sure what Neolithic is, but, hey, I'm in college. Maybe someone will teach me.

VERONICA: Actually, don't you have a class now? Intro Econ with Logan, right?

DICK: It was a walk.

[303/1000.jpg]VERONICA: A what?

DICK: If the prof doesn't show within five minutes, you're free to leave. It's a college rule. Look it up.

Veronica takes her cell phone out of her back pocket and checks it.

VERONICA: No messages. Where's Logan?

DICK: Nailing other chicks.

Dick spins away from her and goes on his way as Veronica stares after him, mouth open.


Keith is sitting at the kitchen counter, juggling trying to eat with a massive amount of paperwork. Veronica comes in from her bedroom.

VERONICA: Wow. You look busy.

She opens the refrigerator door and gets out a bottle of water.

VERONICA: Probably tough with me around less. All that stuff piling up.

KEITH: [distracted] Somewhat, yes.

Veronica dishes herself up some dinner from the saucepan on the stove.

VERONICA: I bet you'd be pretty psyched if I found someone who could help.

She joins him at the counter.

KEITH: The level of psyche would depend on the someone.

VERONICA: Eli Navarro. Remember?

Keith grimaces.

KEITH: You mean Weevil? Oh, Veronica, please.

VERONICA: Dad, I'm serious.

KEITH: Oh, I don't know. All those times I arrested him, he never struck me as great secretary material. Didn't he get busted for murder?

VERONICA: Assault.

KEITH: See? So he's not even a very good murderer. No way, Veronica.

VERONICA: You know how parole works. If he's not employed by his next meeting, he goes back to jail.

KEITH: I'm not running a charity, honey.

[303/1100.jpg]VERONICA: Don't make me do the stare.

Keith stares at her placidly. Veronica puts down her fork and sighs. She interlaces her hands in front of her, drops her head, and takes a deep breath, as if preparing for some great athletic endeavour. She then rests her chin on her fingers and stares at Keith with puppy-dog eyes. Keith watches all this with interest, sighs and crosses his arms, determination to outlast her etched on his face. A phone rings.


Weevil, in a checked shirt and tie, picks up the phone on Veronica's desk.

WEEVIL: Hello?

[303/1117.jpg]He listens for a moment.

WEEVIL: Yeah, that's us.

He listens again.

WEEVIL: Hold on.

Weevil holds the phone away from his ear, pulling it against his chest.

WEEVIL: Hey! Are you here?

Keith is in the middle of the room, watching Weevil.

KEITH: [whispering] Who is it?

Weevil brings the phone back to his ear.

WEEVIL: [abruptly] Who's this?

Keith cringes a little.

WEEVIL: Margaret Federbush?

Weevil gets the name right to pass to Keith with a flourish.

WEEVIL: Marguerite Federbush.

KEITH: [hoarsely] Just take a message.

Weevil returns to the phone.

WEEVIL: I gotta take a message. All right.

Weevil puts the phone down as Keith gets something from one of the filing cabinets.

WEEVIL: She'll call back. It's...

Weevil gestures with his hand in the air that it's okay. He sits down at the desk. Keith slams shut the drawer and walks over to Weevil. Keith has a file in one hand and a camera in the other. He slaps the file on the desk, in front of Weevil.

KEITH: Shoe warehouse, out east of Grange. Stock's been disappearing. Manager thinks that one of the security guys might be embezzling. Delivery's coming in this afternoon, so you're going to stake the place out tonight.

He holds out the camera.

KEITH: You familiar with these things?

WEEVIL: Yeah, toasters, right.

Keith just stares down at him. Weevil grins and rises to take it.

WEEVIL: Yeah, yeah.

KEITH: So the money shot we want is the security guy loading shoes in the middle of the night. You got it?

WEEVIL: I got it.

Weevil's confident, but Keith doesn't look nearly so convinced.


Veronica is dressed as an athlete, number 27. She's limping her way up a long corridor leading away from the opening to the stadium.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: It turns out getting a new playbook isn't as simple as running off a new copy. According to Kurt, they're printed out on Athletic Department stationery with an ID number that changes from week to week, and player to player.

One football player-type runs past Veronica. Another, pushing a television walks past her. Veronica turns to follow and catch up with him.

VERONICA: Hey! They said you guys had a trainer? Allison Shivan totally thrashed my ankle, the little bitch.

[303/1239.jpg]The football player jerks his thumb behind them.


He then disappears into a room filled with football players and staff. The door is shut behind him. It can be seen though the glass wall of the room that one TV is already showing football footage. She observes for a moment and then heads in the direction indicated.


Veronica gets to the locker room and looks around. She finds the door to the office of Dwight Fry, Defensive Coordinator.


Veronica quickly heads for Coach Fry's computer. The team is called the Rough Riders, and the mascot, shown between the two words, is the fedora-topped head of a sinister looking man. Veronica brings up the file menu. Coach Fry's files include ones on training, opponent recon, recruiting, schedule, scouting, and special teams. However, Veronica is only interested in the one marked "Playbook." She selects it and another list appears of files named with a series of letter and numbers. She selects the one called FK397-44-906. In a new window, the relevant playbook appears. Topped with a pair of Hearst College crests, the document reads: "Hearst College. Athletic Department. Men's Football x3459 Sports Complex. #FK397-44-906." Under that is a football field positions diagram headed "Trips left 346 R - Swing." Veronica selects "Print" and turns to the printer behind her. It is processing and at 5%, rising to 7% as she watches.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: World's slowest printer.

Veronica turns back to the computer, but is startled to hear voices right outside the door.

POP: [offscreen] Thanks for meeting me, Coach.

Veronica quickly returns the computer screen to its home page and drops under the desk just as the door opens. Coach Fry and Pop enter.

[303/1327.jpg]COACH FRY: Not a problem. What's on your mind?

POP: Well, I just wanted to let you know that Sonoma made me an offer. I mean, you know I love it here, but they're giving me a full ride.

COACH FRY: Now, wait a minute. We can work something out. You know, I'll make room for your stay, Pop.

Further conversation is interrupted by the ping of the printer which has finally processed the document. Veronica's eyes widen.

COACH FRY: What? What is that?

The message window on the printer now reads "printing."

COACH FRY: What's printing?

Coach Fry bends down at his desk and Veronica decides to declare her presence before she is discovered. She screams out.

VERONICA: Oh, my God!

Startled, Coach Fry jumps up.

COACH FRY: Gah! What in God's name are you-

Veronica climbs out from under the desk in full bimbo mode. As she does, she kicks the plug of the printer out of it's socket.

VERONICA: Oh, I am, um, am so just, um, ahh, I'm so...embarrassed. I...it's a hazing thing and my sorority said that I had to break in and steal a jock...the little underwear, not like kidnap an athlete. God! Um, so do you think maybe I could borrow one for an hour or two?


A file is open. It is slapped closed, revealing Veronica sitting the other side of the dean's desk.

DEAN O'DELL: Collecting jocks, are we? You now have the most colourful disciplinary file in the freshman class. How 'bout you give me that name and we'll start over with a clean slate.

VERONICA: I said I'm not giving up the name.

DEAN O'DELL: And I said I'll have you expelled.

VERONICA: [defiant] And I said I'm not giving up the name. Is this how this works?

Further discourse is cut short when the door to the dean's office bursts open. Nish storms in followed by Fern and a blonde girl, Claire.

[303/1446.jpg]NISH: Dean O'Dell, I am sorry but I can't just sit out there any longer without speaking up.

DEAN O'DELL: Actually, we were just finishing up.

FERN: [stridently] It's insulting. You call us for a meeting and you strand us there with those Lampoon jackasses?

The jackasses Fern is referring to, Darren and Stew, follow them into the dean's office.

DARREN: Did somebody say my name?

CLAIRE: Oh, great!

Darren laughs. Stew saunters up next to him. Veronica, still sitting in her chair, is sandwiched between the warring factions.

STEW: Ooh, nice office. [in comic voice] It's good to be the dean.

NISH: Or did you call us in here because you changed your mind and you will stop these idiots from publishing their misogynistic rag?

Stew looks around.

STEW: Idiots? Where? Wait, us?

DARREN: Stop publishing? Why?

CLAIRE: Because it's offensive to women.

STEW: I'm sorry, did someone say rag?

He points to Nish, who stands taller. Veronica takes the opportunity to exit while there's a lull in the shots. She rises slowly from her chair and addresses the dean.

VERONICA: I should really go.

DEAN O'DELL: You have two days, Miss Mars.

Darren decides to take an opportunity of his own and halts her sliding away.

DARREN: Hey, you're a woman. Does this upset you?

He hands Veronica a rolled up newspaper. Veronica takes it and unfurls it. The front page picture is a parody of the naked breasts picture in the Hearst Free Press with a similar number of guys on empty bleachers exposing their chests, which have been blocked out to cover their "breasts." The banner hanging underneath them reads: "No thanks. (Except maybe the blonde in the middle)." Under the picture is the story heading: "Campus Rape Crisis Day 200" and the sub-heading: "Co-Eds get their freak on." Veronica reads the banner out loud.

[303/1533.jpg]VERONICA: "No thanks, except maybe the blonde in the middle." Uh, a little I guess-

NISH: Right, the one in the middle. That's Claire.

Nish turns back to Claire.

NISH: Claire, they want to rape you.

Claire shakes her head in disgust as Nish turns back to the dean.

NISH: That's hate speech.

Veronica starts backing out.

VERONICA: I meant more it says it's a humour magazine but I'm not seeing it.

DEAN O'DELL: Whether The Lampoon's content qualifies as humorous is debatable. Hearst's free speech policy isn't. That discussion was over yesterday. Today, we are discussing this.

Dean O'Dell holds up some pictures. They are of a vandalised car. Veronica, slowly edging out, pauses at the sight of the pictures.

DEAN O'DELL: My wife and I went out last night. Came back to our Volvo bashed with what the mechanic hypothesised was a bat of some sort. Four thousand dollars in damage.

FERN: We didn't do that.

STEW: I agree it's impossible. Where would militant feminists get ahold of a softball bat?

NISH: Very funny, pig.

[303/1538.jpg]DEAN O'DELL: Funny you should use that word.

Dean O'Dell holds up another picture, a close-up of the car's bonnet on which is written the word "Pig."

NISH: No! They framed us!

There's a cacophony as the two sides start yelling at each other.

VERONICA: I should really go.

She backs out and closes the door behind her.


Veronica crosses the road in front of a black Range Rover which turns around and honks at her. It pulls up and parks to next to her. It's Logan's new car - a black Range Rover.

[303/1611.jpg]LOGAN: Hey!

He jumps out of the car.

LOGAN: So what am I? On a scale of one to ten?

He locks the car remotely and joins her on the pavement.

VERONICA: Uh, one. Seven? Four? Help me with some criteria?

LOGAN: Gentlemanliness?

He kisses her and they walk on.

LOGAN: Look how I resisted the impulse to make the so-called booty call last night.

Veronica's grin is tight. Logan notices.

LOGAN: What?

VERONICA: Just the other day, my dad was saying I had a thing for trying to reform unreformable bad boys.

LOGAN: What does that have to do with me? I'm reformable, good, and a man.

VERONICA: Dick said the class was a walk. You could have gone to the art thing.

LOGAN: Wait. Dick said what?

VERONICA: It was a walk. You know, the five-minute rule if the professor doesn't show.

LOGAN: Oh, Dick's idea of five minutes is like one. Ask Madison Sinclair. The professor showed.

VERONICA: You mind showing me the notes?

LOGAN: Forget it. You're hardly the first girl to be led astray by Dick.

Logan spins around in front of her, bringing their walk to a halt.

LOGAN: Hey, so you up for something tonight? Maybe Noam Chomsky's reading the Havana phonebook somewhere.

VERONICA: I'm stuck at work tonight. Maybe you could drop by.

LOGAN: Mm-hm. G-rated booty call in the library. Maybe I just will.

The both laugh. Veronica pushes him on and they continue to walk on together.


Veronica is knocking at the door but there is no answer. She sighs and knocks again. A co-ed is passing by.

VERONICA: Hey, have you seen Mac?

PASSING CO-ED: Uh, she and Parker just left wearing work-out stuff. Maybe they're going on the StairMaster.

The girl walks away, leaving Veronica a little perplexed. Kurt and Trish come around the corner, holding hands.

KURT: Hey, looking for me?


She joins them and they continue down the hallway.

VERONICA: So, thanks to the Stone Age printer in the coach's office, it doesn’t look like stealing new pages is a viable plan. However, there might be something to your theory on that coach because, while I was snooping around the locker room, I ran into him...

They've reached Trish's dorm room. She unlocks and opens the door.



Veronica stops short behind Trish who has paused on seeing something on her bed. It's a portrait of Trish with a note leaning against it.

VERONICA: What's that?

KURT: I don't remember leaving you a really bad painting.

Kurt presses past both the girls to get to the painting. Trish grimaces.

[303/1812.jpg]TRISH: It's Larry.

KURT: Art show Larry?

TRISH: I told you we went out last year.

KURT: Yeah, but you didn't tell me he was stalking you.

TRISH: I really thought he'd moved on.

Kurt reads from the note he has retrieved.

KURT: "Seriously, drop that meathead, you know you're still my muse." Meathead? I thought he liked me.

TRISH: He more...hates you.

VERONICA: Enough to steal his playbook?

Kurt looks up at Veronica.

VERONICA: You had it at the art show, right?


Keith is flipping through photos from the shoe warehouse, listening to Weevil's report.

WEEVIL: I just don't think it's the guard, man.

They are in Keith's office. Keith puts down the pictures and gazes at Weevil across the desk.

WEEVIL: He don’t feel like a thief.

Weevil gets up and comes around to Keith's side of the desk.

WEEVIL: Look, he reads comics. He drives a VW Bug. No, this is our guy.

[303/1858.jpg]Weevil points at another photo.

KEITH: Um, Eli, that's the owner.

WEEVIL: Not him, the truck. The driver.

Keith holds up another picture, with the owner and the driver speaking.

KEITH: I read the file, the guy's been there for years with a spotless record. Why would he-

WEEVIL: Steal shoes? He picked up a habit, a nasty one. Check it out.

One of the pictures shows the driver in a secluded corner sniffing something.

WEEVIL: Scrawny guy, sniffles a lot, always eating candy. Heroin. A-and here, check this out.

Weevil points at a couple of pictures of the driver carrying boxes.

KEITH: He's offloading the truck.

WEEVIL: Yeah, but, but check the difference. Here, he's straining. Right? Then here, it's no problem, easygoing, like-

KEITH: Like it's light.

WEEVIL: Empty.

KEITH: Eli, that's...that's some fine detectiving.

Weevil laughs proudly and returns to the other side of Keith's desk.

WEEVIL: Yeah, man, I knew it once I saw the guard, I was like, this can't be the guy, and then I was taking a look at the pictures and-

KEITH: Now, have you slept yet?

WEEVIL: Not yet.

Keith picks up a file from his desk. He gets up from his chair and walks to the front of it, standing in front of Weevil.

KEITH: Couple lost their adult son a few years ago to a car accident. Now they think their grandson is being abused by their daughter-in-law. Think you can go get a few hours sleep and go back on stakeout?

WEEVIL: I'll go right now, if you need me to.

KEITH: I like the hustle, but the kid's in school 'til three.

Weevil chuckles and Keith pats his arm.


The room is being cleared of all the paintings. Larry is taking his pieces down from the wall. Veronica saunters in, for all the world looking like someone seriously contemplating the art. Larry notices her.

LARRY: What do you think?

[303/2027.jpg]Veronica moves in closer.

VERONICA: Um...it feels kinda...mmeh...

LARRY: Let me guess. You're an art major.

VERONICA: Interested amateur. It just looks like you're having muse trouble. Yeah, like your muse...isn't your muse anymore because she dumped you?

Larry gives Veronica a WTF look.

VERONICA: For, like, a meathead?

Larry gets back to work and takes the painting from the wall.

LARRY: Um, I don't know what you think that's about, but I'm busy, so...

VERONICA: Yeah, me too. So let's cut the crap.

Veronica follows Larry to a table where the rest of his paintings are stacked.

VERONICA: Did you steal Kurt's playbook, Larry?

LARRY: There's something I could use, a book full of football plays.

VERONICA: Maybe if it got your romantic rival kicked off the team.

LARRY: I see, so he could spend more time with Trish? Great theory. You are clearly a genius.

Larry starts to bind the paintings together.

VERONICA: If he's off the team, he loses his scholarship, he's gone, and Trish is alone and ready to cry on your bony-assed paint-spattered shoulder.

LARRY: Look, whoever you are. I'm not a criminal mastermind, I'm just a painter.

Larry holds out his paint-stained hands.

VERONICA: Yeah, well, so was Hitler.

Veronica gives him a knowing stare and then walks away.


Veronica bangs on the door to Kurt's room. Kurt opens the door.

VERONICA: Let me see your backpack.

KURT: It's...

He's taken aback as she barges past him into the room. It's another large dorm room, with a poster over his bed that reads: "Anyone who thinks winning isn't everything never had a football coach."

KURT: On my chair. What's up?

Veronica finds it and picks it up.

VERONICA: Just had a little chat with our friend Larry - enormous tool, by the way. Trish totally traded up.

Veronica inspects the inside of the backpack.

KURT: Uh, thanks. What's, uh-

VERONICA: Sure. Anyway, everything Larry touches is smeared with oil paint. He's got motive and opportunity. So all we need is a single smudge in the bag. Come on, Larry, please be guilty.

In her search, she turns the bag upside down. A single kernel of popped corn falls onto the floor.

[303/2211.jpg]VERONICA: Oo.

Veronica and Kurt both look at the popcorn.

VERONICA: You said Pop walked onto the Hearst football team, right?

Kurt nods. Veronica bends down to pick up the popcorn. She rises slowly, thinking out loud.

VERONICA: So, if you lost your scholarship, it could theoretically go to him?

KURT: No, Pop couldn't. He's my-

VERONICA: Then how did it get in there? You never opened the bag.

KURT: Even if he did, he'd know to just trash it. There'd be no way to prove it.

Veronica shrugs.

VERONICA: So we blackmail him. That's the beauty of blackmail. If I call him and he shows, he's guilty. Get him to confess on tape, you force him to take the fall.

Kurt looks sceptical.

VERONICA: Please. I've only done this a million times.


Veronica is drafting an email, with the subject heading, "I Know What You Did...".

VERONICA VOICEOVER: So how did people blackmail each other before email? Thirty years ago, I'd be here all night, cutting letters from a magazine and getting glue everywhere. Now it's just one button.

The email is addressed to brian.popovich@hearstcollege.org. The parts that can be read state: "A good friend of yours, Kurt, if I'm not mistaken, is...suggest you return his playbook before you start lo...Most sincerely, The Retriever." Veronica clicks on the send button.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: And I'm ready for my official boyfriend visit.

A throat is cleared. Veronica looks up expectantly with a beaming smile. That fades when she sees that it's not Logan. Cut to a few minutes later as Veronica gets the student the last of the books he wanted.

VERONICA: And last and not by no means least, Thorsten Veblen. Enjoy.

The student takes the book and exits. Veronica's cell phone, which she has left on the help desk, is ringing. She returns to the desk and grabs it, checking the caller ID. She has a message from Logan. In the background of his message are the sounds of a party going on.

[303/2314.jpg]LOGAN: Hey, it's me.

Veronica smiles and sits down at the desk to listen.

LOGAN: Oh, I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight, uh...

Veronica's smile fades. A girl shouts in the background.

GIRL: Come on, do it! Come on!

LOGAN: 'Cause it looks like I'm getting lucky. Hey, I'll see you tomorrow, babe.

Veronica is not happy.


Veronica walks out of one of the college buildings into the night.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Now here's a moral dilemma. You have a cell phone tracker which cost your dad hundreds of dollars.

Veronica pulls the tracker out of her bag and gazes down at it.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: You went through the trouble of activating your GPS chip in your boyfriend's phone, so...

With a slight shake of the head, she starts punching in numbers.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Is it a waste of your dad's hard-earned money and your time if you don't use it?

She turns it over to the displayed diagram. "Logan E" is marked with a big red dot, located in one of the college halls.


A mini-casino is set up in the room. On one wall, a bookie is marking up a tote board for horse racing. Other activities are spread out through the room. Mercer, wearing a white jacket, plays host and circulates the room.

[303/2339.jpg]MERCER: Hey, guys, hey. Good to see you guys. Looking good, looking good.

Elsewhere, poker (Texas Hold 'Em) is being played. Mercer calls out to one of the players.

MERCER: Angela! That is a sharp-looking jacket. Good to see you.

A guy hurries over to Mercer.

GUY: Hey, Mercer. We need a couple more bottles.

MERCER: Thank you.

He takes some money out of his pocket and leans down to one of the poker players.

MERCER: Jamie, we're running low on vodka.

He throws cash on the table.

MERCER: You wanna do something about it?

JAMIE: That's fine.

Jamie leaves the table with the money. One of the players shouts a "Whoo-hoo" and Mercer, continuing his turnabout, claps.

MERCER: Oh ho! That's what I like to see! Everybody having a good time.

Mercer heads for the blackjack table. He stops and watches.

BLACKJACK DEALER: Split your aces.

He deals on a pair of aces.

BLACKJACK DEALER: Twenty, nineteen.

He flips over his card.

BLACKJACK DEALER: Dealer shows a fifteen.

Mercer walks around to speaker to the player of the Aces. It's Logan.

MERCER: You, my friends, appear to be in the proverbial catbird seat.

BLACKJACK DEALER: Dealer hits. Twenty-one.

[303/2421.jpg]Logan takes a consoling slug of his drink before turning to Mercer.

LOGAN: Is that what they're calling the toilet these days?

Logan glances up as the door to the room opens. It's Veronica. They stare at each other across the room.

LOGAN: 'Cause that's what I think I'm in.

Veronica walks over to Logan who, with a final toss of his chips, stands up from the table and turns to face her.

LOGAN: What are you doing here?

VERONICA: I was about to ask you the same question. Uh, first let's start out with where exactly here is.

Mercer steps forward, offering his hand.

MERCER: My room. Mercer. Mercer Hayes.

VERONICA: Just Veronica. [to Logan] So, this is why you stood me up?

MERCER: [to Logan] Are you playing, or is your seat...

VERONICA: It's free.

LOGAN: Unlike me, apparently.

Logan steps closer to Veronica.

LOGAN: Veronica, it's not like I promised...wait. How did you find me?

VERONICA: Easy. I just followed the pungent smell of money going to waste.

LOGAN: So what was it? A bug? A tracer?

Mercer is starting to get uncomfortable with the conversation.

VERONICA: Relax. I just traced your phone.

MERCER: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Could you maybe move this outside?

[303/2505.jpg]Another guest approaches Mercer.

ALAN: [stuttering] Hey, M-M-Mercer. You got a spread on this weekend's game?

MERCER: [mockingly] I d-d-d-do.

Mercer laughs.

MERCER: You must hate when people do that. It's us by four.

Mercer laughs again and then dismisses Alan by turning back to Veronica and Logan.

MERCER: Yes. So, uh, if you don't mind.

He points to the door. Veronica turns and heads for it. Logan follows.


Logan shuts the door behind them as Veronica pauses in the hallway.

LOGAN: You know, as adorable as it is when you do it to criminals, the surveillance thing is starting to bug.

[303/2553.jpg]He heads up the hallway, with Veronica keeping pace at his side.

VERONICA: You said you'd come by.

LOGAN: Might come by.

VERONICA: And then on your message, I heard all this partying and I wanted to know what was going on.

LOGAN: Yeah, and while I appreciate your interest, Big Brother, I hope-

VERONICA: Wow! A 1984 reference. Did you read that in weightlifting?

Logan comes to a halt and faces her.

LOGAN: You know, your dad was half-right. You have a thing for bad boys, but, well, you don't want to reform them, you just get off on judging them.

Logan does his "enough" gesture and starts to walk away. Veronica ignores it.

VERONICA: Which reminds me. Can I borrow your copy of 101 Brooding Comments?

Logan turns back to face her again.

LOGAN: I only have the CliffNotes. Look, I gotta run, so, uh, to save you the trouble, I'm surfing in Mexico with Dick and Mercer this weekend. I'll fax you the coordinates so you don't incur any more cell-tracking charges, and I'll keep a journal of my bad thoughts in case you want to stick my face in a cage of rats when I get back. Sorry, 1984 is the only book I read.

He backs away, turns and leaves. Music: "Hold On, Hold On" by Neko Case.

LYRICS: The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind, but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hanging 'round the ceiling half the time
Hanging 'round the ceiling half the time
Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"
In the end I was the mean girl
Or somebody's in-between girl
Now it's the devil I love
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

Veronica watches him go.


The song is playing on the stereo in Veronica's bedroom. She's lying in bed, sad and listless. Keith enters her room and stands at the door. She gives him a half-hearted wave.

KEITH: I got fired off a job today.

VERONICA: What? What hap-

Veronica realises.


Keith walks into the room.

[303/2729.jpg]KEITH: I sent him on surveillance the other night. He did great.

Keith sits down on the bed.

KEITH: Really great. I sent him on another one last night. A child-abuse case. A couple's son died in a crash. They suspected the daughter-in-law of hitting their grandson, so they wanted custody.

VERONICA: What did he do?

KEITH: Weevil finds out it's not the daughter-in-law hitting the kid, it's the new boyfriend. So Weevil-

VERONICA: Hit the new boyfriend.

KEITH: Repeatedly. Daughter-in-law realised what he was doing there, lawyers got involved, grandparents lost their chance, I lost the job and my chance to protect the kid from further abuse.

VERONICA: [softly] Oh, my God.

Veronica sits up, leaning on one elbow.

VERONICA: Dad, it won't happen again.

Keith shakes his head sadly.

VERONICA: He really needs the work.

KEITH: So do I, honey. He's got to go.

Veronica sighs. End music: "Hold On, Hold On" by Neko Case.


Weevil is sitting at Veronica's desk. He scrunches up a piece of paper and throws it in the bin. He lets out a deep breath when he hears the door open and looks up. It's Veronica. She smiles softly and walks towards him. She stands in front of the desk.

WEEVIL: So, uh, is he mad?

VERONICA: Actually...I asked if I could be the one to talk to you. He said...he has to let you go.

Weevil makes as if to say something, but changes his mind and accepts the inevitability of it.

[303/2811.jpg]VERONICA: It's not personal. He likes you. He said you're a good-

WEEVIL: Don't sugar-coat it, all right? I get it. I'd fire me.

He laughs.

WEEVIL: Man! I just...I really dug this stuff, you know. I actually thought I was okay at it.

He gets up and sorts out a file.

VERONICA: I'm really sorry, Weevil.

WEEVIL: That's all right. Listen. Uh, do you know anybody else who's hiring ex-cons? Because, uh, if I don't get a job in a week, I'm going back to the joint.

VERONICA: I wish I did. But, actually, if you can still borrow tools from your uncle...

Veronica pulls a file out of her bag.

VERONICA: I can get you two grand to fix the dean's car.

She hands him the file.


A copy of The Tell-Tale Heart and Other Stories by Edgar Allen Poe [sic] (it's Edgar Allan Poe) slams down on the help desk.

POP: Uh, can I check that out?

VERONICA: Guilty conscience, eh?

POP: No, actually, uh, somebody told me I needed to come down here and check it out.

[303/2852.jpg]Pop looks around.

VERONICA: Me. I left you the message.

Veronica marches to the bookcase to return the book to its place on the shelf. Pop follows her.

POP: You. All right, so what's this about? You said that you knew I'd done something wrong.

VERONICA: That sound in your head, Pop, [loudly and dramatically] it is the beating of this hideous heart.

Veronica is shushed by someone in the library. Pop looks at her as if she has gone crazy.

VERONICA: But seriously, I'm giving you the chance to come clean. I know what you did to Kurt. There's no sense trying to deny it.

Pop squirms and lets out a deep breath.

VERONICA: Good, you're doing great. Now, we just need to figure out how you can set things straight with Kurt. I mean, I assume you trashed it, so...

POP: No! I've still got it.

VERONICA: [surprised] You do?

POP: Yeah. Uh, do you want me to give it to you?

VERONICA: Well, yeah. That would be a good start.

Veronica walks back to the help desk. Pop follows her as he digs into his backpack. He pulls out a couple of sheets of paper, folded.

POP: I mean, I don't really get the third degree. It's just a lousy sociology assignment.

He hands them to Veronica who examines them, perplexed.

POP: I mean, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal.

VERONICA: Wait. So when you broke into Kurt's bag, you were stealing homework?

POP: Yeah, I was behind, and I thought it's not like either of us would get caught, so...

VERONICA: When you swiped this, did you see a playbook in his bag?

POP: Yeah, which is actually against the rules, but Kurt's cool and I was stealing his homework.

VERONICA: What time did you two stop playing Guitar Hero that night?

POP: I don't know. Oneish? Whenever his girl showed up and kicked me out.


Pop nods his head. Veronica ponders anew.


Veronica heads purposefully towards the radio station. Music: unidentified. She pulls open the door and runs straight past Piz. He calls out to her. She, somewhat impatiently, turns around to face him.

PIZ: Oh, Veronica! Guess who just got his own radio show. Me. I, uh, I-I do feel like you had something to do with it though. You know, you, helping the boss's boyfriend.

Veronica glances over her shoulder at Trish, talking to another student.

VERONICA: Well, it's a good thing you got the show because I'm about to make Trish real unhappy.

Veronica turns away from Piz and goes straight to Trish.

VERONICA: Trish! Um, did you talk to Kurt yet?

TRISH: No. What's up?

Veronica casts a surreptitious eye around before pulling Trish to a slightly more private area, in the broadcasting booth.

VERONICA: My boyfriend has a weightlifting class, um, and I was meeting him by the stadium and I saw Kurt. I think he turned himself in.

TRISH: What makes you think-

VERONICA: Coach Fry had him running the stadium, yelling like a maniac about him losing the playbook and how's he going to be running the stadium steps every day. You were right, Trish. That guy really has it in for Kurt.

TRISH: But...he didn't kicked off?

VERONICA: I'd say getting kicked off would have been a bargain.

End music: unidentified.


Veronica walks down the hall towards Trish's room.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Thirty minutes. That should be about right. Thirty minutes for Trish to come apart at the seams.

Veronica reaches the door. Like most of the others, Mac notwithstanding, Trish has a whiteboard on her door on which have been written various messages such as "Be back soon," "Hiya hottie!" and something illegible from someone called Kim. Veronica is about to knock but pauses at the sounds of banging coming from the room.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: What is she doing in there?

Veronica knocks. Trish pulls open the door. Veronica leans forward to peer into the room.

[303/3139.jpg]VERONICA: Redecorating?

Trish looks behind her. The room looks like it has been ransacked.

TRISH: I took Kurt's playbook.

VERONICA: You don't say.

Trish is shocked that Veronica already knows.

TRISH: And now it's gone and if I don't find it, Kurt is going to keep getting tortured.

VERONICA: Well, the good news is I lied about that. You wanted your boyfriend to lose his scholarship just so, what, you two could spend more time together?

TRISH: No. I wanted him off so he wouldn't be miserable. That coach treats him like a piece of meat.

Trish walks back into the centre of the room. Veronica advances into the room.

TRISH: Kurt...Kurt absolutely lived for that team. And-and when he wrecked his knee for them, how did they thank him? They made his life hell.

VERONICA: Trish! You can't quit for him. We need to get that book back.

TRISH: Fine! But it's gone. And I have no idea where it can be.

Veronica takes a deep breath and casts her eyes around the room. She sees the painting of Trish on the floor, leaning against the lower bunk bed. She smiles.

VERONICA: Think about it. We know who has it.

There's a knock on a door.


Larry opens the door to Trish, Kurt and Veronica. Kurt lunges past Trish to grab Larry by his shirt and push him backwards into the room, not stopping until they fell a few lamps and Kurt lays Larry down on an ottoman. Keeping his hands on Larry's shirt, Kurt looms over him.

[303/3243.jpg]KURT: Where's the playbook, Larry?

Kurt flips him over and pulls Larry's arm behind his back. Larry screams.

LARRY: Get off me, you dumb goon!

KURT: Where's the playbook, Larry? Where's the playbook? You're entering a world of pain, Larry.

The front door opens and closes behind Veronica and Trish. It's Alan, who takes in what is going on.

ALAN: I-I-It's under the couch.

Veronica turns and looks at Alan in surprise. Kurt lets go of Larry and checks under the couch. He pulls out the playbook. Veronica's brain is working furiously. Kurt faces Larry who is now standing. He tosses him down on the couch.

KURT: [to Trish] Let's go.

VERONICA: Uh, I don't think it's cool, actually.

[303/3328.jpg]Veronica spins round to face Alan.

VERONICA: I saw him sniffing around Mercer's casino sports book, checking the spread on Saturday's game. Sounds like pretty good odds, huh? Your roomie swipes a playbook from ex-girlfriend's meathead new boyfriend, so why not pass it along to the other team and then bet the farm against Hearst?

KURT: You gave Sonoma State the playbook?

ALAN: Larry was in on it too.

Behind Kurt, Larry rolls his eyes.

TRISH: No one will know it was you, Kurt. Just turn in your pages tomorrow like everyone else.

KURT: And just let the team get their asses kicked?

TRISH: After what they did to you, what do you owe them?

KURT: I guess you don't know me that well.

Kurt walks past Trish, pushes past Alan, and exits the house, Trish behind him. Veronica gives Larry a last dirty look and then follows.


The dean's Volvo, registration TRO6506, is as good as new, save for the cracked windows and the paint job required on the new left wing.

VERONICA: I can't believe you got so much done that fast.

[303/3403.jpg]Weevil accompanies Veronica as she walks along the side of the car.

WEEVIL: Well, only one of those dents is serious. The windows and paint will take another day or so. It's not so bad. So I hear the dean's a pal of yours. You actually made friends with somebody?

VERONICA: Actually, he wants me expelled.

WEEVIL: Ah, that sounds more like it. I didn't figure him to be so uptight.

VERONICA: He'd outlaw women wearing pants.

Veronica gets curious.

VERONICA: Why would you say that?

WEEVIL: Well, I figured with the cool car and the bad-ass tunes, he’d be a cool guy.

VERONICA: Bad-ass tunes?

Weevil pulls a CD out of his pocket.

WEEVIL: This was in the CD player.

Veronica takes it and holds it up. The CD is by the Transplants. Veronica's eyebrow lifts.


Dean O'Dell is working at his desk. He looks up as Veronica enters without knocking.


She shuts the door and walks towards the desk.

VERONICA: So here's the deal. You can go ahead and expel me because I'm not giving up the name. Or we can drop the whole thing, and I can make your problem with the Lilith House and The Lampoon and the car go away.

He stares at her sceptically. He laughs. He picks up a large envelope from one side of his desk, taps it on the desk, and sets it down on the other side.

DEAN O'DELL: So, you can make all this go away?

[303/3455.jpg]Veronica starts searching in her bag.

VERONICA: You a big fan of the Transplants?

DEAN O'DELL: I don't know what that is.

Veronica holds out the CD.

VERONICA: It's a band. Look, your son knows.

Veronica holds the CD next to the picture of his family on his desk, on the side where the older boy in the Kiss make-up and Transplants t-shirt poses.

VERONICA: I even read they had a show the other night. Did he go?

DEAN O'DELL: He's fifteen. He's not allowed.

Veronica drops down into the chair in front of the desk.

VERONICA: I think he did anyway. I think he took your car and snuck out, blasting his CD. Then, when he dented it, knowing you'd murder him if you found out, he trashed it to make it look like feminists did it. See...

Veronica reaches out for the pictures of the vandalised car, still on the dean's desk. She points to the dent on the left side.

VERONICA: This dent? Way too deep. A baseball bat couldn't have done that. And there was paint chipped off on the inside. And I'm betting if you check your garage, you'll find you have a can of spray paint that matches the graffiti.

The dean stares at her for a moment.

DEAN O'DELL: I see. So, I guess we're even.

VERONICA: Actually, you still owe me 'cause I got your car fixed for free.

DEAN O'DELL: For free! By whom?

Veronica rummages in her bag again, and pulls out a notice. It is headed: "Positions Available! These great jobs are just waiting for the right person to step up to the plate." Further illegible details are set out underneath. Across them is handwritten Weevil's name and phone number: 555 [?01?]43

VERONICA: By the hard-working and responsible young man that you are going to hire to fill this maintenance position. I wrote his name and number on there. He's expecting your call.

Veronica stands, satisfied with a good day's work. Dean O'Dell stares at her in some shock.


Mercer is in a queue for food at one of the booths.

VERONICA: Hey, Mercer. Did you pack your shark repellent?

MERCER: Uh, my what?

[303/3609.jpg]He stares at her, taking a moment to recognise her.

MERCER: Veronica, right?

He notes the contents of her tray.

MERCER: Ooh, do not eat that. Trust me. And, uh, what about sharks?

Mercer hands over money at the cash till.

VERONICA: Uh, watch out for them. In the water? You're going on a surf trip, right?

Mercer looks blank, puzzling Veronica.


Mercer laughs.

MERCER: Oh, right, Mexico. Yeah, well, no one said anything about surfing, but, um, yeah I'll get you a piñata.

Mercer walks off leaving Veronica suspicious.


Logan's Range Rover is parked at the side of the road. Veronica takes a quick glance around before heading for the driver's door.

[303/3630.jpg]VERONICA VOICEOVER: Now, maybe people would say they'd never install a tracking device in their significant other's car, but I think that's just because they don't know how.

Having opened the door, Veronica plants a bug under the steering column.


Veronica catches up with Trish in a corridor. By Veronica's clothes, it's the next day.

VERONICA: Hey, Trish, um, did Kurt talk to-

TRISH: Kurt's gone. He packed his car and headed back to Kansas. They yanked his scholarship.

VERONICA: So you told him about the playbook?

Trish nods.

TRISH: He said he owed it to his teammates. I don't understand boys. Or football.

[303/3656.jpg]VERONICA: [with some feeling] Me neither. But, hey, if guys like Kurt are that into it, it can't be all bad. I guess.

Veronica walks on a bit before stopping and facing Trish.

VERONICA: So, you broke up?

TRISH: He said he needed some time to think. You know, I had all the grants lined up for him. He just...he says he knows my heart was in the right place.

She shrugs.

TRISH: He just can't get over what I did. I think I blew it, Veronica. I went momentarily crazy, and it's going to cost me the guy I love.

Veronica doesn’t respond, going inward. Trish sighs a shuddering sigh and walks on.


Veronica hurries to the Land Rover, now parked in a parking lot. Veronica has a remote for it and unlocks the car.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: So I'll let that be my defence. A case of momentarily crazy. Because when you think about it? No one wants to know what college boys do with themselves in Mexico.


Dean O'Dell is on the telephone.

DEAN O'DELL: So we'll just put this behind us for now.

He listens for a moment.

DEAN O'DELL: Yes. Goodbye.

He puts the phone down.

DEAN O'DELL: Peace in our time.

[303/3811.jpg]He goes back to the papers on his desk. He's distracted by the whirring noise above him. He looks up. The air conditioning is working. He gives a huff of disbelief. Weevil pops his head in the office.

WEEVIL: Better?


Weevil nods and shuts the door, pausing for a moment to look through the glass window. He smiles.


KRFF 88.3 broadcasts on the web, and it's up on Veronica's screen.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: If the eight email reminders I received are correct, it's time for the premiere of Piz's radio show.

Veronica fits her earphones to listen.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And finally, congratulations to our football team who outlasted Sonoma State this afternoon a 24-17 scorcher. And now stay tuned for "But We Were Just Talking."

The theme music for Piz's show plays. As she listens, Veronica smiles.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Looks like Larry and his stuttering roommate really are starving artists now.


Piz takes the centre spot in the broadcasting booth. On either side of him are Nish and Fern from Lilith House and Darren and Stew from The Lampoon.

PIZ: Our inaugural episode is devoted to my personal favourite amendment: rule number one. Our guests: the heads of the Lilith House and the editors of The Hearst Lampoon.

Piz looks from one pair to the other, but they just glare at each other. There's a long period of dead air.

PIZ: You can actually hear the smiles. All right, let's flip a coin to see who goes first.


Veronica continues to listen in the deserted library.

PIZ: [on the radio] And it's the head of a white slave-owning patriarch, which means we'll go with the gents.


DARREN: The problem is simple. Feminists aren't funny.

NISH: Should I wait for the rimshot, or can I respond?

DARREN: Can you say rimshot on the radio?

NISH: Please. If I say Mr. Hartman here is an idiot, that's one thing, but I say he's an idiot and should be strung up and beaten to death. Is that different? I mean, do words matter any more?

PIZ: She makes a good point. I mean think about it. This may not be burning-movie-theatre dangerous speech but it, it is...

Fern's cell phone buzzes and she looks at the screen. She has a message from Sara M. The message is "Claire was raped." Piz trails off as he notices Fern.

FERN: You bastards.

Fern points an accusing finger at the Lampoon editors and shouts it again.


[303/3938.jpg]Nish tries to calm her as Piz temporarily pulls the plug on the broadcast, replacing it with a call for blood donors.

PIZ: Uh, we'll be right back.

Fern continues to challenge the editors.

FERN: You said you'd do it and you did. It was Claire.

Nish is horrified.

FERN: They raped Claire.

Fern does air quotes.

FERN: The blonde in the middle. Are you happy? Are you happy now?

Darren and Stew shift in their seats, unhappy and extremely uncomfortable.


Veronica is still listening to the blood donor call, her brow furrowed.


A male student arrives at the help desk. Veronica pulls out her earphones.

CUSTOMER: I'm looking into Jack London and mercury poisoning?

Veronica, a little distracted, takes a minute to concentrate.

VERONICA: Um, third floor, aisle nine.

The guy leaves for the third floor. Veronica is deep in thought and slowly puts the earphones down.

[303/4008.jpg]LOGAN: [offscreen] Is this the help desk?

Music: "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor.

LYRICS: I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind
All these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart...
And it breaks my heart...
And it breaks my he-ar-ar-ar-art...
And it breaks my he-ar-ar-ar-art...
Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
Just to break my own fall
Just to break my fa-a-a-a-a-all...
Just to break my fa-a-a-a-a-all...
Just to break my fa-a-a-a-a-all...
Break my fall, break my fall

Veronica is astonished to see him. Logan leans on the desk as Veronica rises from her seat.

LOGAN: 'Cause I need a little help.

VERONICA: Let me guess. You have this pathologically suspicious girlfriend, and you hope maybe there's a guidebook?

LOGAN: No, it's more like, uh...what's beyond pathological?

[303/4037.jpg]Veronica's emotions are very close to the surface and her eyes fill.

VERONICA: I'm sorry, Logan.

Logan is surprised to be hearing an apology and seems to appreciate what it's costing her.

VERONICA: I spent my formative years watching people while they lied to and cheated on and betrayed each other, so the trust thing...it doesn't come naturally, but I'm trying to act unnaturally, I swear.

She lets out a sigh and drops her head.

VERONICA: [softly] So there's that.

She looks up at him again.

VERONICA: I thought you were in Mexico.

LOGAN: Yeah, well us bad boys usually love Mexico, but, uh...

He half-grins before becoming serious.

[303/4126.jpg]LOGAN: I was feeling a little reformed.

He smiles.

LOGAN: I don't even think Mercer surfs. And I always feel bad about those poor donkeys.

Veronica swallows and smiles.

LOGAN: Are you free this weekend? There's a film festival. Incomprehensible foreign movies of three-plus hours.

Logan waggles his eyebrows. Veronica face brims with feelings for him and she barely nods. They are interrupted by another student.

DWEEB: Is this the help desk?

Without taking her eyes off of Logan, Veronica reaches down and pulls out the closed sign. She places it on the desk in front of the hapless student. Logan looks back at her, excited. Veronica is now beaming.

VERONICA: Sounds nice. But let's find you that guidebook...

She grabs his hand and hangs onto it as she comes round to his side of the desk. She passes him, puts her other hand behind her, and swaps hands. She pulls him towards a staircase as the dweeb looks on.

[303/4154.jpg]VERONICA: Which I think is on the dark, lonely top floor.

Veronica doesn’t wait. She puts her arm around his shoulder and starts to kiss him before they even make the stairs. They kiss and walk and climb the stairs all at the same time. They break for a heartbeat to stare into each other's eyes and kiss again. As they get up to the small landing, Veronica nestles her head on Logan's chest. End. Executive producer Rob Thomas. End music: "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor.