2.13 Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough

Written by: Diane Ruggiero
Directed by: Guy Norman Bee

Original Air Date: 8 February, 2006
Transcribed by Inigo, Kiwikazoo and funky donut.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously, on Veronica Mars...

In his office, Keith examines the picture of Terrence Cook and Miss Dumass in 212 "Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle." Veronica looks on.

KEITH: That's Terrence Cook and...

VERONICA: Miss Dumass. The journalism teacher.

KEITH: Who died in the bus crash.

VERONICA: He also has some gambling issues.

At the high school, Veronica pops from around the corner to take a picture in 112 "Clash of the Tritons."

VERONICA: Hi, everybody!

The Triton initiation ceremony is interrupted.

VERONICA: Say "repressed homosexuality"!

Veronica gets a picture. The Tritons start to give chase. In 206 "Rat Saw God," Tom Griffith approaches Lamb as he celebrates his election victory.

GRIFFITH: I have information about that Mexican kid who got killed. I'm the one who made the anonymous call from the bridge.

Logan and Veronica discuss her research while she baby-sits for the Fullers in 207 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

LOGAN: It's not the guy from the bridge.

VERONICA: You said the whole night was a blur.

LOGAN: I lied.

Thumper challenges Weevil in 212 "Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle."

THUMPER: I'm not like you, Weevil. I don't make good speeches. So I'm just gonna say, adios.

The bikers close in on Weevil.

THUMPER: Hope that covers it.

Veronica and Keith watch the news.

TV ANNOUNCER: Balboa County Sheriff Don Lamb questions baseball legend Terrence Cook in connection with the Neptune High bus crash.

End previously.


A student hangs a "Welcome to Winter Carnival" sign off the shoulders of a large cut-out of a snowman in sunglasses. The "snow" is glittery. The student moves back, revealing Veronica entering the classroom. She peers into the room as she moves forward, passing Madison and J.B. Riley who are sitting at Ms. Hauser's desk, making a banner. Behind them are a bank of cupboards, some bearing labels such as "Videos," "Beakers," "Lab Utensils," "Bunsen Burners," and "Petri Dishes." J.B. is applying glue to the banner. Madison is unhappy.

MADISON: J.B.? You need to relax with the Elmer's. Do I look like I enjoy being covered in white goo?

Ms. Hauser is standing at one of the counters. Veronica reaches her. On the wall, across the room from Madison and J.B., is a completed banner for the Goldfish Toss, complete with a drawing of a goldfish in a bowl. It is also rich in glitter. The banner partially obscures the blackboard upon which is drawn what looks like the respiratory system, together with some text. The diagram marks the lung, pleural cavity, chest wall and airway. What can be read of the text is: "...they can sometimes be difficult even for experts to interpret and may not provide all the information. ...chart in your text pg.69. ...develop...from being...Please answer the questions at the end of the chapter." In front of the blackboard are three students are doing ordinary schoolwork. Weevil, face hair gone and head hair growing, is one. Another is Corny who has heard Madison's comment. He turns to Weevil who is sitting next to him.

CORNY: Mahahaha!

VERONICA: Ms. Hauser?

J.B. hears Veronica's voice and looks over at her. Ms. Hauser holds up her hand to Veronica and walks over to the table where Weevil and Corny are working.

MS. HAUSER: Enough. This is a free study period, not a free-for-all.

She turns and sighs, irritated.

MS. HAUSER: What is it, Veronica?

VERONICA: Mr. Pope said you have some decorations for the FBLA booth?

Ms. Hauser looks beyond Veronica.


J.B. stiffens to attention.

MS. HAUSER: Could you go get the hills?

He points to his chest.

J.B.: Oh, you mean me? Help her? She's my nemesis.

Madison giggles. J.B. grins, before rising and disappearing to do Ms. Hauser's bidding. Veronica addresses Madison.

VERONICA: His nemesis? Mm...did we break up?

Madison, sprinkling glitter onto the banner, gives her a scornful look. She bends down to blow the excess glitter away from the word "Pep" before responding.


She straightens and smiles, satisfied with her work.

VERONICA: [with faux-admiration] That. Is amazing.

On the other side of the room, Weevil glances over at them, catching the sarcasm. Corny, on the other hand, is more interested in something on the sheet of paper in front of Weevil and points down to it.

CORNY: Dude. Check it, man.

Ms. Hauser is again irritated. Weevil acknowledges the joke Corny has pointed out as Ms. Hauser approaches them.

MS. HAUSER: Do I need to remind you that next week's exam is worth thirty percent of your grade?

Corny can barely suppress a grin as he stares up at her. Ms. Hauser snorts and moves away, bemoaning her life.

MS. HAUSER: One of these days, my ship is going to come in and I will not have to deal with this nonsense.

WEEVIL: So, what?

She pauses and turns back to them.

WEEVIL: Only the kids playing with the scissors and the glue can talk?

MS. HAUSER: [condescendingly] Your student council is working very hard to raise money for your senior trip.

WEEVIL: Their senior trip. The rest of us want to go to Magic Mountain.

MADISON: It's Catalina. And you're crazy. I am not spending my senior trip watching you hurl hot dog and orange drink off Batman: The Ride.

Veronica observes the exchange with a grin. Curly decides to illustrate the point by pretending to vomit on Weevil.

CORNY: Blah!

Weevil repeatedly smacks his lips in derision at Madison, as if blowing her many kisses. J.B. re-enters the classroom behind Veronica, carrying a pair of cut-out mountains, complete with trees and skiers.

J.B.: Better watch your back, Veronica.

He thrusts them towards her. She takes and stares at them.

VERONICA: Because you're going to crush me with hideous fake hills?

J.B.: Uh, no, the Kane scholarship.

J.B. returns to his seat next to Madison.

J.B.: I'm three one-thousandths of a point behind you.


Ms. Hauser walks up to Veronica and, whilst leaving them in Veronica's grip, pulls the mountain cut-outs towards her to look at them more carefully.

MS. HAUSER: [syrupy] What wonderful mountains, Madison!

MADISON: Thank you, Mrs. Hauser!

Ms. Hauser bestows a smile on Madison, much to Veronica's disgust. As Ms. Hauser walks away, Veronica tucks the mountains under her arm.

VERONICA: Oh, Madison, you have a little...

Veronica taps the side of her nose.

MADISON: What? Brown? Because I'm a brown-noser?

VERONICA: No. Glitter. Because you're a [girlishly] fairy princess.

Veronica smiles and exits.


Students are loitering. Voices shout out.

VOICE #1: Go home!

VOICE #2: Jackie!

Jackie, clutching her books close to her chest but holding her head up high, comes into view, walking alone across the car park. The students turn to watch her.

VOICE #2: Get your dad to drop you off!

VOICE #3: Hey, check her out!

VOICE #4: Ah! I can't believe it!

There are other indistinct derisory comments. Jackie passes Dick who is talking to another guy. Dick sees her pass and talks loudly to his companion.

DICK: How lucky am I that I got Terrence Cook to sign that ball for me before he blew up my classmates. It's going to be worth so much more than that napkin O.J. signed for me at the Claim Jumper.

CORA: Jackie!

Jackie walks on determinedly. Cora runs up from behind her.

CORA: Jackie, hey! Wait up!

Jackie swings around, ready to give as good as she gets until she realises that it is a friendly face.

JACKIE: Sorry. I was distracted by the pitchforks and torches.

CORA: So how are you?

JACKIE: I'm wondering if this counts as my fifteen minutes of fame. And if so, what does the child of an alleged murderer wear to Winter Carnival?

CORA: No one expects you to go, Jackie.

JACKIE: French Club does. We volunteered, remember? Je saute, vous sautez.

Jackie giggles nervously. Madison passes by and overhears this. She takes on a disgusted demeanour and approaches them.

MADISON: You're not really going. Even you're not that tacky.

JACKIE: School carnival? Me, you, and the Shake Shack doing a little "You're the One That I Want"? I am so there.

Jackie turns and walks away from both girls. Madison calls after her.

MADISON: It's not a freak show. Your being there will ruin everything.

Jackie pauses and turns back to face Madison.

JACKIE: [resigned] That's my plan. Ruin everything.

She turns and walks on.


A client is sitting opposite Keith's desk, in full flow.

MR. SPIVAK: You said he's in such pain he can't get out of bed. But three times my kid said he saw him at the Speed Zone, on the Go Kart track. You ever try climbing into one of those little cars? I'm not paying this guy a dime.

KEITH: I'm still waiting on the fax from the insurance company.

As Keith speaks, the ring of an incoming fax can be heard. Keith rises from his chair and walks out to the main office to collect the fax. He reads it as he starts to head back into his office, glancing up briefly before returning to his reading. He does a double-take and looks up again. Terrence Cook is sitting on the small couch. Terrence stands.

TERRENCE: I don't have an appointment. I was hoping you'd have time for a consultation.

KEITH: I will, if you don't mind waiting.

TERRENCE: I can wait.

Keith is seriously chuffed that his hero is there. He heads back into his office, barely able to disguise the squee factor.


The Winter Carnival is set around the outside of the school. The sign and snowman seen in Ms. Hauser's classroom decorates the ticket booth at the entrance to the carnival.

TICKET VENDOR: Five dollars worth? Okay.

There is a cacophony of carnival music and voices as the camera glides over the top of the ticket booth to the delights within, which include a bouncy castle and a filled, though grounded, hot air balloon. Next to a booth offering "Darts," Madison's booth is set right next to one of the school's entrances. The banner over the top reads "Pep Squad Cakes & Cookies." At either end of the banner are pictures of snowmen, the word "Pies" in script along their widest parts. Behind her and another pep squadder working with her are shelves filled with large pink boxes.

MADISON: Who wants some pie?

Elsewhere, a child jumps into a ball pit. Small children surround the pit, laughing. Couples wander the carnival, many carrying stuffed animals. Veronica watches from her small Slushies and Snow Cones booth. As well as the mountains which decorate the back of the booth, there are two large stuffed penguins at each end at the front, one on the counter, which bears an FBLA button, and one on the ground at the corner. A cartoon of a small striding snowman also advertises that this is the FBLA booth. Behind and to the side of the booth, Logan, who looks to have had a haircut courtesy of the Marines, is kidding around with a little boy with a balloon.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Two by two. Apparently you can only enter the carnival as if it were the Ark.

The child runs off and Logan turns his attention to Veronica, leaning against one of the ice machines, watching her from behind. "Watching her behind" would work here too.

VERONICA: Slushies!

Logan grins.

VERONICA: Get your ice cold frozen...sugar water.

LOGAN: You had me at "ice cold."

Veronica glances back and smiles tightly.

VERONICA: What's your poison?

Logan heads around to the front of the booth.

LOGAN: Ah, emotionally unavailable women.

Veronica raps on the counter in "Ta-da" emphasis. Logan stares at the menus along the back. The choice of Snow Cones include Icicle Blue, Strawberry, Grape, Green Apple, Cherry Pink and Cotton Candy. Slushies come in Electric Lemonade, Tropical Vanilla, Cherry Banana, Rainbow Mix, Punch and Blue Raspberry.

LOGAN: Let's see...uh, I want something that suits my mood.

VERONICA: Oooh, I'm sorry. We're all out of liquid evil.

LOGAN: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.

Veronica turns to get his slushies.

VERONICA: Hot date?

LOGAN: Rain check?

She casts him a censorious glance.

LOGAN: Night with the fellas, you know how it is.

As Logan gets his wallet from his back pocket, he is distracted by Madison's sales pitch.

MADISON: Pies! Pep Squad pies!

The pies are selling well and the booth is busy as Madison takes some cash and presents the customer with one of the pink boxes, giggling all the while.

LOGAN: Boy, people really love Pep Squad pie.

Veronica looks over at the booth.

VERONICA: It's genius. Madison's dad gives her forty bucks to buy a pie from some chi-chi bakery and then drops three bills to buy it back in front of a live studio audience. He loves her.

Veronica finishes pouring out the Slushies and places two turquoise drinks on the counter in front of Logan who is amused by her cynicism.

LOGAN: Oh, the rich. How they mock you.

He hands her a fifty dollar bill. She takes it and stares at it. She pretends incredulity.

VERONICA: There's a fifty dollar bill?

LOGAN: Had them made special.

Veronica reaches back and grabs a money pouch marked "FBLA." She unzips it, puts the fifty in and starts to count out the change as Logan watches. In the meantime, a couple have stopped behind him and are studying the menu. Veronica hands Logan his change, which he stuffs loose into his back pocket. He glances at the couple behind him.

LOGAN: The hoi polloi.

His wallet follows the path of the change.

LOGAN: They don't know what they want until I have it.

Logan picks up the Slushies and walks away. Veronica puts the money pouch back in the back and turns to face her new customers. The camera switches to some balloons. Weevil is down on bended knee, talking to a pretty little six-year-old, wrapped up in a pink hat and pink sweater. She is carrying a Powerpuff Girls backpack. It's pink.

WEEVIL: Okay, you want fifty balloons, or some popcorn and ice cream?

OPHELIA: Balloons.

WEEVIL: You say that now, then it's "Oh, Uncle Eli, I'm so hungry!"

He tickles her stomach and she giggles. Weevil hands some cash to the man holding the balloons.

BALLOON MAN: Thanks. Here you go.

Weevil rises as the man hands Ophelia a balloon, which is...pink. Before they can turn away, Thumper passes and flicks hard at the balloon. Weevil gives him a baleful look as Thumper skips away.

THUMPER: Sorry. Thought that was yo' head.

Pleased at being such a badass to a child, Thumper moves on, past a booth where the object of the game is to shoot a ball into the mouth of the rotating head of a clown. Dick has just been successful. Logan is holding the Slushies.

DICK: I am so good at this game, bro.

LOGAN: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

They move on, Logan handing Dick his Slushie as Dick spots something in the crowd.

DICK: Dude. Am I drunk?

LOGAN: No, dude, you're just special.

Logan looks over to where Dick's gaze is fixed. It's Beaver and Mac, holding hands, wandering through the carnival.

DICK: Why is the Beav all snuggly with that chick from Ghost World?

Logan watches them a moment with a smile, then turns back to the bemused Dick. Back as the Slushie booth, Veronica is using a screwdriver, trying to dislodge something in one of the machines. Jackie slowly approaches the booth.

JACKIE: This school genuinely sucks.

Veronica finishes with the screwdriver and starts to unscrew a bottle of flavouring.

VERONICA: True dat.

Ms. Hauser approaches the Pep Squad Pie booth. She is carrying a metal cashbox.

MS. HAUSER: Oh, Madison.

MADISON: [simpering] Oh, hi.

Madison gives her a little wave. Madison's pep squad pal watches, beaming brightly. Spotting this, Veronica puts down the container and grabs the money pouch. She unzips it as Madison hands over her money to Ms. Hauser.

MS. HAUSER: Thank you, Madison.

Madison does a tiny curtsy and giggles. Ms. Hauser heads for Veronica who is frantically trying to organise the money. Ms. Hauser looks on impatiently.

VERONICA: Sorry. Got a little slammed.

Jackie wanders off as J.B. approaches Ms. Hauser.

J.B.: Can I have the keys for your class? The, uh, sign for the Bounce House is falling down, I should grab the staple gun.

Ms. Hauser looks towards the Bounce House and then gushes as she takes her keys out of her pocket.

MS. HAUSER: Thank you, J.B.

She hands him the keys and he heads into the school.

MS. HAUSER: [pointedly] So reliable.

Veronica laughs bitterly to herself as she finally gets the cash sorted out.

VERONICA: It's a little sticky.

As she hands the money over, a number of young men, nude but for balaclavas (ski masks) and shoes and socks, appear, running amongst the crowd, to the laughs and shouts of "Woo-ooh" of said crowd. Ms. Hauser, having stowed Veronica's money in the cashbox, looks over, disgusted, as the boys race past. Wallace and Jane are standing by the ball pit opposite, watching the show. Ms. Hauser pulls a face as she watches the streakers run up the steps into the lunch area. Dick, at the top of the steps, claps as they pass him.

DICK: Good job.

Back at the Slushie booth, Ms. Hauser thrusts the cashbox into Veronica's hands.

MS. HAUSER: Here, hold on to this.

She marches off in a determined fashion.

VERONICA: It's not a carnival until somebody shows butt cheek.

Veronica turns to the side of the booth. One of the machines is resting at the end of a low cupboard on which are also some paper towel, the screwdriver, a couple of scoops and another stuffed penguin. Veronica bends down, places the box in the cupboard next to a bottle of flavouring, and slides the door closed. Ms. Hauser finds Principal Clemmons, who is murmuring into a walkie talkie.

MS. HAUSER: Did you see that?

Wallace and Jane approach the Slushie booth.

WALLACE: I'm out here with my special lady friend and I gotta see that.

VERONICA: Not a big fan of the Tritons' annual tuck and run?

Ms. Hauser returns to the Slushie booth, all flustered and impatient.

MS. HAUSER: May I have the cashbox, please, before this day gets any crazier?

Veronica bends down and slides open the door. The cashbox is gone. At the back of the cupboard is a small fingerhole for sliding open the door from the other side. Veronica slides it open, exposing the passing legs of people on the other side. Veronica stands up slowly and turns around to face Ms. Hauser.

VERONICA: Yeah, so, it's gone.

MS. HAUSER: What are you talking about? I just gave it to you.

VERONICA: And I put it in there, and now it's gone.

Clemmons appears at Ms. Hauser's side.

MS. HAUSER: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money.

Clemmons casts Veronica a woeful look. Veronica shrugs.

VERONICA: [attempting humour] Is that a record?

It doesn't work as Clemmons' expression indicates his disappointment. Veronica's smile morphs into a frown.

Opening credits.


Ms. Hauser and Clemmons are bent down at the cupboard from the public side, peering through to the other side, into the Slushie booth. They glance at each other before straightening and facing Veronica, still inside the booth.

MS. HAUSER: A senior tradition thirty years in the making. You, young lady, owe Neptune High School twelve thousand dollars.

VERONICA: There was twelve thousand dollars in there?

MS. HAUSER: [to Clemmons] Why are we standing here chatting? She should be searched.

VERONICA: It's a metal box, this big.

Veronica indicates its dimensions with her hands and then her body.

VERONICA: Where exactly do you think I hid it?

Ms. Hauser folds her arms, unconvinced.

VERONICA: The box was locked. If you make everyone exit through the metal detectors, no one will be able to leave with it.

MS. HAUSER: And if they find a way to open it?

VERONICA: You should make sure the shops are locked, any classroom with tools, the janitor's closet...

CLEMMONS: ...was locked up before the carnival started.

Clemmons gestures for a security guard before turning back to Veronica.

CLEMMONS: It's not my first day.

From her booth, Madison takes an interest in what is going on.

SECURITY GUARD: [offscreen] Yes sir?

CLEMMONS: [offscreen] I want the metal detectors to be moved to the exit.

Back at the Slushie booth, the security guard nods.

CLEMMONS: And we're going to have to start searching the lockers. Immediately.

Madison marches over.

MADISON: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her.

She points to Jackie, who is standing, watching events. Jackie stares at Madison.

MADISON: We all saw her, lurking around.

JACKIE: Lurking? Uh, you mean, standing while black?

Jackie shrugs. Madison addresses the teachers.

MADISON: She told me earlier today she had a plan to ruin everything.

Ms. Hauser takes up the attack, striding up to Jackie.

MS. HAUSER: You know, there are plenty of people with notorious parents who turn out to be decent people. Don't think you have an excuse.

She breezes past Jackie who takes a deep breath before looking at a sympathetic Veronica. Elsewhere in the carnival, Logan approaches the Leap Frog booth. Stuffed toys hang down from the top of the booth. On the counter are wooden catapults which, when struck with a mallet, will send a rubber frog in the air towards a revolving pool with bowls on lily pads. Two girls can be seen talking inside. There's another couple of girls at the side.

LOGAN: So, I'm not actually leaping frogs myself?

One of the girls, slim, young, with long blonde hair, breaks off her conversation with the other and faces Logan with a smile.

LOGAN: I'll try anything once.

She grins, not really suggestively although Logan elects to read it that way.

LOGAN: Except for that.

He grins back.

LOGAN: Why you cheeky little...

He walks forward and hands her the money. He grabs one of the rubber frogs, placing it incorrectly at the end of the catapult.

HANNAH: Uh, you don't take physics, do you?

She turns the frog over and places it correctly.

LOGAN: I have a tattoo of Newton's second law right on my heart.

She giggles. Logan's first effort is a puny one and the frog falls to the floor.

LOGAN: [laughing] Wanna see?

Logan starts to pull down his sweater from the neck.

LOGAN: It's right here.

HANNAH: You get three tries.

He stops, smiling at her warmly.

LOGAN: You're so accommodating.

His second effort is better but the frog only makes it as far as the edge of the pool. The other girls in the booth giggle.

LOGAN: How 'bout a little support, ladies?

GIRLS: [clapping] Yeah, woo!

Logan tries again, this time with more apparent effort. The frog bounces off the edge of the pool again. The blonde giggles.

LOGAN: What, and I suppose you're fantastic at this?

The blonde makes her way around to the front of the booth.

LOGAN: Okay.


She puts her hands on his upper arms to gently push him out of the way.

HANNAH: Excuse me.


HANNAH: Ladies, a little support.

GIRLS: [clapping more enthusiastically] Woooo! Yeah!

She sets up the catapult and takes aim. Logan standing right next to her, leans in with his hands on the counter. She pounds down with the mallet. Logan cries out, clutching his hand.


Logan spins away. The girl is horrified.

HANNAH: My God! I'm so sorry!

LOGAN: Oh, I can't believe you fell for that.

Logan shakes his hand, unhurt. He kisses his fingers at her as she huffs and pushes past him to go back into the booth.

LOGAN: I think I should get a prize just for being so entertaining.

HANNAH: Yeah, well I wasn't all that entertained. If you want a prize, frog on the lily pad.

She places another frog on the catapult. Logan hits with force, sending the frog straight into one of the bowls. The girl laughs. Logan acknowledges the praise with a nod.

LOGAN: I'd like the pink bunny, please.

She pulls a stuffed pink rabbit from its clip at the side of the pool and hands it to him.

LOGAN: What's your name?

HANNAH: Hannah.

LOGAN: I'll name my bunny after you, Hannah.

She grins and giggles.

LOGAN: Actually, name it Logan.

He hands her the bunny.

LOGAN: Or break my heart.

He backs away with a soft smile. The other girls squee at Hannah and her encounter. Hannah is flushed, still grinning as she attends to the next customer.

HANNAH: Hi ya.

Elsewhere, Veronica, now off Slushie duty, heads purposefully for Weevil, sitting on one of the benches with his niece. She slides onto the bench, next to the little girl's backpack.

VERONICA: Hey. Who's your date?

WEEVIL: This is Ophelia, my niece. This is Veronica.

VERONICA: Nice backpack. You like the Powerpuff girls, huh?

Veronica starts to feel the backpack.

VERONICA: Which one is this?

WEEVIL: She's the one that's not shaped like a metal cashbox.

Veronica glances at Weevil suspiciously.

WEEVIL: They start moving metal detectors around, Veronica, you think the word's not gonna spread? Why don't you just open it up already?

Without apology or embarrassment, Veronica unzips and searches the backpack. There is a doll, amongst other things, but no cashbox. Veronica sighs with disappointment, glances down at the girl and then looks around for the next place to search.

WEEVIL: You know your case must really suck if your prime suspect is a six year-old.

Veronica gets up and moves on without a backward glance.


Keith is using Veronica's desk in the main office. Terrence is sitting opposite.

TERRENCE: The sheriff is using me as a scapegoat. And if there's anyone fit to take on the sheriff's department, it's you.

Keith is nodding, still nearly grinning in awe of his visitor.

TERRENCE: I read your book, Mr. Mars. I, I couldn't put it down.

KEITH: Yeah, well, if you read it carefully you might remember the famous guy went to jail in the end of that one.

TERRENCE: Look. The sheriff sees me as Woody's ally. I spent the last three months speaking to the minority population on behalf of his incorporation plan. Now if that goes through, the sheriff instantly gets turned into the hayseed who hands out speeding tickets on the way into town.

KEITH: So, Lamb made his point, he leaned on you. Big deal. He's never gonna file charges unless he's got some kind of hard evidence.

TERRENCE: Well, I'd gone out to the park to talk to Woody about my doing the colour commentary on Shark broadcasts this year. There was a group from Neptune High. And I signed a bunch of baseballs, jerseys...


TERRENCE: Lamb's forensic specialists found cell phone and baseball fragments embedded in the driver's body. He thinks I planted a bomb in the bag [Note: or "back"], that I detonated by calling the cell phone. And I need you to prove that I didn't make that call. That I had nothing to do with that crash.


Veronica, passing a walking snowman with a scarf in Neptune colours, rounds the corner of the Slushie booth. Beaver is now manning the booth and having trouble with one of the machines. It is whirring ineffectually. Mac is sitting on the back counter.

VERONICA: Whatcha doin' back there, Mackie?

MAC: Keepin' Beaver company.

She grins at Veronica in an excited, girly way. Beaver's serious look transforms into a smile.

VERONICA: That sounds fun.

MAC: That's 'cause it is.

CASSIDY: I think the machine broke.

VERONICA: The ice is jammed. Just break it up with a screwdriver.

CASSIDY: Great. I just lent it to Jackie.

VERONICA: Jackie asked to borrow a screwdriver? Do you know where she went?

CASSIDY: No. She was just here.

They look around. Jackie can be seen disappearing into the school. Mac points.

MAC: There she is.

Veronica sees her and follows.


The hallway has a couple of new large banners. One is for girls' basketball, promising that "It's a workout!" The other is for this year's drama club production, South Pacific, proclaiming that "Bali Hai may call you!" Jackie, carrying her coat over her arm, looks around furtively before going into the girls' bathroom. Veronica rounds the corner and pauses at the door. She leans her head closer to the door for she can hear the sound of metal scraping metal. She gives a disappointed sigh.


Veronica enters the bathroom. The sound is louder now and Veronica heads towards it


A shape can be seen under the door of one of the cubicles. The noise stops.

VERONICA: What are you doing?

JACKIE: Changing into my bathing suit.

VERONICA: That doesn't usually require a screwdriver.

Jackie opens the cubicle door and comes out, dressed in a bikini with her coat over the top.

JACKIE: No, it usually doesn't.

She hands Veronica the screwdriver. Jackie goes to the sinks, putting her bag down and checking her reflection, swallowing hard. Veronica checks the cubicle. There's nothing there. As Veronica backs out, she sees the back of the door. Someone has written "Jackie Cook is a xxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!" The last word has been scraped off the metal door. Veronica realises what Jackie was doing with the screwdriver.

JACKIE: Like putting on a bikini isn't stressful enough.

VERONICA: It really looked like...

JACKIE: I know what it looked like.

VERONICA: Why are you wearing a bathing suit?

Jackie takes off her earrings.

JACKIE: Didn't you hear? I won.

Veronica swallows as she gets the point. Jackie continues to make ready by redoing her hair into a ponytail.

JACKIE: Before I was the demonized offspring of a mass murderer, I signed up for the dunk tank. You know, you get a jar, and whoever gets the most money gets dunked. I went from a week of having the three dollars I put in for myself to having almost four hundred dollars. Go figure.

Having finished, Jackie grabs her things and moves to leave the bathroom.

VERONICA: Jackie. Really, you're wasting your time trying to prove something to these people.

JACKIE: Yeah. And when people thought the worst of your dad, you just took it lying down. Right?

Veronica doesn't respond and lets Jackie leave. Veronica sighs.


Jackie arrives at the dunk tank booth. People are waiting, looking mean. Cora is waiting.

CORA: Hey, are you sure you want to do this?

JACKIE: "Want" might be stretching it. Hey, it's my senior trip too. Time to take one for the team.

Jackie moves to the side, near the teacher.


Jackie smiles at him, drops her bag and takes off her coat. A jock is waiting impatiently to throw the first ball. Jackie climbs up to the platform above the small pool and settles in place. Veronica watches from a distance.

BASEBALL PLAYER: One of my friends was on that bus.

He throws the ball hard at the target. He hits it and Jackie drops into the clear-sided pool. The crowd cheers and jeers. The French teacher resets the platform and Jackie climbs back up.

BASEBALL PLAYER: Hey Jackie. What do you think your dad would think of my curveball?

JACKIE: He'd say it's weak.

He throws and hits the target again. Jackie drops into the water again. The crowd is enjoying themselves, except for Veronica, who turns to walk away.


Terrence is standing in front of Veronica's desk, looking back towards the small kitchenette.

KEITH: In the spirit of full client/investigator disclosure...

Keith opens the door of the fridge, looking back at Terrence.

KEITH: ...I'm not offering you this beer out of the goodness of my heart.

TERRENCE: You're not?

Keith grabs a couple of beers and returns to the main office.

KEITH: Nope.

Keith twists off the tops.

KEITH: I'm fulfilling a long-time fantasy of sharing a cold one with my favourite ball players.

He hands Terrence a beer.

KEITH: And after we're done, we're gonna play catch in the parking lot.

They both grin.

TERRENCE: Favourite, huh?

KEITH: I saw you pitch three times in triple-A back when you were nineteen. I mean, there wasn't much to do in Fresno as a twenty-two year-old deputy. Never saw you give up a run. After that, I followed everything you did in the bigs. Your whole career.

TERRENCE: Well, in that case, here's to hoping I still got a career when this is all through.

They tap bottles and take swigs. Keith heads around the desk. Terrence sits down again opposite him.

KEITH: Now that I've come clean, maybe you want to tell me about your relationship with the journalism teacher.

Terrence, the bottle at his mouth, pauses and stares at Keith, now sitting at the desk.

KEITH: Miss Dumass, I believe her name is?

He slowly pulls the bottle away as Keith leafs through a file on his desk.

KEITH: Right.

Keith finds the photo and holds it up for Terrence.

KEITH: Here's a picture of you two looking rather intimate.

Keith taps his finger at the top of the photo where Terrence and Miss Dumass are photographed standing closely together. Terrence looks at the photo and then at Keith, taking a deep breath.

KEITH: I'm sorry about your loss, Mr. Cook, but you're gonna need to be a lot more upfront with me if you want me to work for you.


Jackie, wet and bedraggled, climbs back up on the platform. The crowd is jeering. Wallace walks up enthusiastically, Jane following him. He pays his money to Cora who is surprised to see him. Jackie is gutted. She gulps.

CROWD: Yeah, Wallace!

Wallace rubs his hands together. Cora, frowning deeply, hands him a ball. Wallace shows off for Jane.

WALLACE: Wind up!

Wallace makes an exaggerated wind up and then throws the ball clear over the top of the booth. Jackie watches it go well over her head as the crowd shouts in disappointment. The ball can be heard landing behind the booth with a thump and the sound of a car alarm.

WALLACE: Okay, that was weird.

Wallace tests his arm movement before turning to a smiling Jane and taking another ball from Cora.

WALLACE: I got this. Check out this one.

He looks at Jackie and throws again.

WALLACE: Look out, Jackie!

The ball sails over the top again.

JANE: Just a bit offside.

WALLACE: I suck at this.

Wallace rubs his shoulder. The crowd is unhappy that their bloodlust is being denied.

CROWD: Get out of here!

Wallace holds his hand out for another ball but is halted by the teacher.

FRENCH TEACHER: All right, that's enough. Next!

CORA: Sorry, Wallace.

Wallace turns to the crowd.

WALLACE: [sarcastically] Y'all are cool. Real cool.

Wallace leads Jane away as another unfriendly jock moves up to take his turn. At the Pep Squad Pie booth, Madison's equally blonde, vacuous colleague takes money from a customer.

GUY: One.


Madison collects one of the pink boxes, handing it to another customer.

MADISON: Here you go.

GIRL: Thank you.

The customer takes the box and walks away, revealing Beaver and Mac behind, walking hand in hand.

MAC: So are we winning?


MAC: I feel like we're in a contest with all the other couples. Who can hold hands longest.

CASSIDY: I just-I just don't want to lose you in the crowd.

Mac giggles. They come to a stop when faced with Dick and a couple of his friends.

DICK: Hey, aren't you gonna introduce us? Wow. You guys are cute. Aren't they? Like gerbils. In love.

CASSIDY: [agitated] Dick, don't.

DICK: Chill, Beav. I get to give the big brother speech here. Just lookin' out for you.

MAC: You don't have to worry. He's fine.

DICK: Yeah? In good hands? 'Cause, you gotta take it easy on my bro. You know, if you're gonna pop his cherry, hold back a little.

Beaver is embarrassed and infuriated.

CASSIDY: You're such an ass!

DICK: Don't go bustin' out any tricks. Gentle and sweet. You don't wanna spook him. Like right now, I know his hands are just dripping with sweat, and you are so completely grossed out. But you're hangin' in. I dig that.

Beaver pulls his hand out of Mac's grasp.

DICK: Oop! See how it just slipped right out? Gotta work on that, bro.

Dick walks away, leaving Beaver upset. He storms off and Mac follows. Elsewhere, Hannah is buying cotton candy.


HANNAH: Thank you.


As she holds it out behind her, Logan arrives and takes a lump of it, sticking it in his mouth. She whips around.


LOGAN: Hey. Sorry, did you want that?

He uses his fingers to repair the damage his theft has caused.

HANNAH: No, I bought it for you.

LOGAN: Oh, you are sweet.

As Hannah giggles, Logan moves to the side, glancing over to Hannah's right as he does.


He places himself between Hannah and three other girls huddled together wearing the same tops as Hannah, before turning to face her.

LOGAN: I couldn't help but notice that you are separated from the herd. And I'm concerned, you know, predators and all that.

HANNAH: Well, I can take care of myself.

LOGAN: Well that's a shame.

He takes another lump of cotton candy.


Logan swallows the candy and laughs.

LOGAN: Okay. Boy, it sounds so unnatural coming from you.

HANNAH: I say "dude" all the time.

LOGAN: Nope, I don't buy it. No, you're like, I don't know, like the hot daughter of a king he marries off to get, like, Denmark or something.

HANNAH: You mean a princess.

LOGAN: You know I'm only ever going to call you princess now.

HANNAH: No you're not.

LOGAN: Princess. I am.

She giggles again. Logan glances back at the other girls.

LOGAN: My friend Dick's workin' the slushie booth. We should go pay him a visit. You know, he's all about the royals.

HANNAH: I can't. I'm here with my friends.

Logan glances back at them again.

LOGAN: So. Go tell 'em you want to play with me for a little while.

HANNAH: What makes you think I want to?

LOGAN: What makes you think it's a good idea to pretend you don't?

Hannah giggles again and then walks around Logan to go to her friends. He watches, smiling as Hannah makes her excuses to her friends.


The girls giggle and watch as Hannah heads back towards Logan. Logan waves at the girls. Hannah joins him.

LOGAN: Cool.

As they walk along, Logan pulls the cotton candy, which Hannah is still holding, to his mouth and takes a bite.

HANNAH: Heeyy!

Logan grins. Later, night has fallen. Jackie is shivering on her perch over the pool. Madison, with a look of deep and malicious satisfaction, has a ball in her hand.

CROWD: C'mon, dunk her! Yeah! Dunk her good!

She throws the ball. Madison's feeble effort lacks power and direction, and the ball bounces harmlessly off the fencing around the pool. The crowd groans.

CROWD: Aww! Next time. Nice try. Come on!

Madison takes another ball.

MADISON: Wow. You're almost turning blue.

Watched by Veronica and the rest of the crowd, Madison moves away from the counter and into the booth.

CROWD: Come on, Madison! Do it!

She stands next to the target, resting the ball on it and looks up at Jackie.

MADISON: Next time I tell you to stay home, listen.

Madison pushes the target, dumping Jackie into the water. The crowd laughs and cheers. Madison walks away, ridiculously pleased with herself. Behind the crowd, screams can be heard. Veronica takes notice and heads in their direction. She approaches the ball pit. Stuffed snakes are wrapped around the edges of the waist-high railing. Thumper is arguing with the guys in charge of it.

THUMPER: Yo, I don't see no sign sayin' this is just for kids. You see any signs? I want that snake. You gonna let me in there or what?

Veronica has an idea and races over to Clemmons who is talking to Ms. Hauser.

CLEMMONS: ...locked, there's no way that anyone would be able to leave the school grounds without being discovered.

VERONICA: You have to empty the ball pit.


VERONICA: It's the perfect place. Right in the middle of everything. Whoever stole the cashbox could've just dumped it in there. We have to empty it.

CLEMMONS: And if you're wrong?

Cut to later as a bag of balls is thrown on top of other bags and buckets of balls.

BALL PIT GUY: That's the last of it.

The ball pit has been all but emptied. There is a child's shoe, a bag, some stuffed snakes and a few stray balls left at the bottom, but no cashbox. A few kids stare down disconsolately at the ball-free pit.

MS. HAUSER: Why would you even consider listening to her? Principal, and you're taking directions from a teenage girl.


A girl approaches Clemmons from the side as Veronica apologises to the kids.

TANYA: Principal Clemmons?

VERONICA: I'm really sorry about this. We're gonna fill it back up.

As Clemmons takes a camera from the girl, Ms. Hauser turns her venom on Veronica.

MS. HAUSER: Veronica Mars, you are just trouble. All caps, underlined, written in bold&#8212

CLEMMONS: Tanya Flynn has been filming tonight for the video yearbook. Apparently, she has footage that should prove to be interesting.


Under the glare of Ms. Hauser, Clemmons connects the camera to a TV in the corner.

CLEMMONS: One of your classmates was filming tonight for the Video Yearbook.

As he talks, the camera pans round to the students collected there: Jackie, Madison, J.B., Weevil and Ophelia, and Dick. Dick is not paying attention, instead blowing air on Ophelia's balloon.

CLEMMONS: Those of you we’ve asked to join us were in the vicinity of the cashbox right before the unfortunate streaking incident. Your lockers are being searched as we speak.

Clemmons clears his throat to get Dick's attention. J.B. holds up his hand.

J.B.: Even if you found money, there’s really no way of proving it’s the stolen money.

MS. HAUSER: Not a lot of people carry twelve grand on them.

DICK: Uh, I never leave the house without at least thirteen.

WEEVIL: Yeah, me either.

VERONICA: Actually, I got a fifty dollar bill when I was working the Slushie Booth. It had the name Nancy in black marker across the back, along with a phone number. That’s one way to know if it’s the cashbox money.

J.B. shakes his head at his nemesis' one-upmanship.

VERONICA: So…are we gonna get to see the video?

Clemmons clicks the remote. The video opens on Veronica working at the Slushie booth behind one of the giant stuffed penguins. To the left, Dick is playing a game that involves shooting something. Dick on film throws up his hands in triumph. Dick in Clemmons office smirks at the reminder of his success. The video moves further left, showing Weevil and Ophelia by the nearby steps. In the office, Weevil looks down at Ophelia fondly. Various voices can be heard.

GUY ON TAPE: I didn’t know you were gonna be here, man.

GIRL ON TAPE: Oh, it’s so cute!

The camera swings back across the Slushie booth to the other side. The Pie Squad booth can be seen, as can Jackie, walking past with her coat over her arm. Ms. Hauser points excitedly at the screen.

MS. HAUSER: Look at Jackie. See, she’s hiding something under her jacket.

JACKIE: That was my gym bag with my bathing suit and towel.

MS. HAUSER: You’re not getting away with anything, Missy. I don’t care what your zip code is. Trash is trash. Mark my words.

Veronica half-glances back at Jackie, who is standing behind her, in disgust at Ms. Hauser's words.


Logan and Hannah are in the Bounce House. They are sitting against a central pillar as children bounce around them. They both have Slushies.

LOGAN: Look, just so you know, I take all my dates here. I don’t want you to think you’re special or anything.

HANNAH: Ah, this isn’t a date.

LOGAN: Um, I bought you a drink. And I won you a stuffed animal. Check your dictionary, Princess.

HANNAH: I haven’t had a date yet. I’m kind of holding out for something special.

LOGAN: Wow, you are a princess.

Hannah laughs. Outside, Dick is manning the Slushie booth. Madison is standing by the booth. Dick walks over to her but before he can deliver whatever he-man quip he had planned, his eye is caught by something over her shoulder.

DICK: Oh, look at him.

Madison looks over her shoulder.

DICK: Have I taught him nothing?

Mac is sitting on one of the benches and between Beaver's legs. Beaver is sitting on the top of the back of the bench, looking over her shoulder and pointing.

DICK: He’s like some neutered-eunuch-nerd drone.

Madison giggles. Back at the bench, Mac and Beaver are giggling too as they look down at the laptop's screen. They have pulled up premiereescorts.biz, the return on a search for "san diego exotic escort." At the top of the screen, next to the website title, is an advert claiming "All lingerie 30% off." On the left hand side, after the login and password, there is a narrow strip with thumbnails of featured escorts. The pictures tend to focus below the neck and above the knee. The first featured escort is COOKIN-WITH-LUVIN. The details are "AGE: 21 SIZE: 32C-23-34 HT: 5'11" WT: 119lbs HAIR: BLN EYES: BRN ETHNICITY: CAUCASIAN." Most of the screen, however, is comprised of pictureless entries, such as the first: "BambiGasm: 'Alternative' Escort with an attitude to match. AGE: 35 SIZE: 32B-26-32 HT: 5'11" WT: 125 HAIR: BLK EYES: BLU ETHNICITY: CAUCASIAN Description: Boyfriend, you do not want to get on BambiGasm's mean side, or...treatment. Exotic, athletic build, M.I.L.F. written all over me...don't do couples and a clean hygiene is a must..."

BEAVER: Bambi_gasm!

MAC: [in upper crust accent] Of the Boston Gasms?

BEAVER: One would hope.

They grin as Mac punches the keyboard.


Terrence is now sitting on the small couch. Keith has turned the visitor's chair around and is sitting on it, facing him.

TERRENCE: It was supposed to be the final fling. The next thing I know, I’m living Fatal Attraction. She didn’t even tell me that she was applying for the teaching job in Neptune till she got it and moved here. Then she started threatening me. Said if I didn’t end things with my fiancée, that she would. She did.

KEITH: She told your fiancée?

TERRENCE: And the wedding was off.

Terrence takes a swig from the beer bottle.

KEITH: A secret, tumultuous relationship with the teacher who died in the crash? It seems like more of a motive than supporting Woody’s plans for incorporation, don’t you think?

Terrence sighs.


Veronica is prowling the carnival when she passes the flagpole, decorated for the event. She has another idea and looks around for the person she needs. Successful, she walks purposively forward towards Weevil and Ophelia.

WEEVIL: Whoa, sorry. I can’t let you frisk me. She’s at an impressionable age.

VERONICA: Remember when you and your buddy Logan spindled our teacher’s car? How did that work? I’m not big on power tools, but I’m thinking that might involve some type of saw?

WEEVIL: I don’t know why you bother fishing here. You got a question, ask it.

VERONICA: You seem to know a way to get into autoshop after hours. Suspicious.

WEEVIL: Well, then you’re suspicious of a lot of people. All the guys who take shop make copies of Mr. Dalton’s keys.

Weevil carries on past Veronica who turns to watch him go.


On a free-standing blackboard is a drawing of a Serpentine drive belt and tensioner. Many of the parts are labelled: 1. Damper 2. Tensioner 3. Power steering pulley 4. Generator 5. Drive belt 6. A/C Compressor 7. Idler pulley. There is also a close up drawing of interlocking gears with some further description and the instruction to check...something. Ms. Hauser walks past the board and a car up on a ramp, stopping as she reaches Veronica's side. They both watch as Clemmons uses bolt cutters to cut the padlocks from the doors of the lockers.

CLEMMONS: This is not how I thought I’d be spending my evening.

He completes the cutting and lays the bolt cutter on top of the lockers. He opens the last locker he freed and searches it. Nothing. He tries the next one. He pulls out a wad of cash. He removes the rubber band from around it and counts through the money. As he does, he comes across a fifty dollar bill. On the back is written: "Nancy 555-0250."

CLEMMONS: It’s a fifty dollar bill with Nancy written on it.

Veronica's eyes widen.

CLEMMONS: But there’s only about three thousand here.

MS. HAUSER: What? Well, they probably hid the rest of it somewhere else, right?

Veronica is puzzled. She glances down at another bank of lockers, ones which have not had the bolt cutters applied to them. The doors on those are padlocked too, except for one. She looks back at Clemmons, who has just pulled out a plastic bag filled with white pills from the same locker from which he took the money.

CLEMMONS: Or spent it already. Let me see that class list.

Ms. Hauser hands him the list.


He temporarily shuts the door to check the number.

CLEMMONS: Nineteen.

He consults the list.

CLEMMONS: Eduardo Orozco.

VERONICA: Is he a freshman?

CLEMMONS: Senior. Goes by the name of Thumper.

Veronica looks thoughtful. Cut to a little later. Clemmons and Ms. Hauser are still searching lockers. Ms. Hauser pulls what looks like a paddle out of one of the lockers. (It could be Thumper's locker, but it's uncertain.)

MS. HAUSER: I don’t even want to know what he uses this for.

VERONICA: Can I see that for a second?

She hands it to Veronica. Very neatly etched onto the paddle are numbers and letters: XCM-085 • DSI-808 • DOP-485 • TYR-009 • RRTS-110 • PTI-048 • RTI-248 • CMM-555 • LYMIUM-1 • RNT-549 • JHF-963 • KNL-295 • HTP-306 • RBC-301 • NCX-264 • MIV-825 • SFI-729 • NVM-423 • BOK-173 • RGM-281 • LGC-842 • UDX-701 • WIA-825 • MJA-293 • MickL-288 • NDL-915 • QU-862 •WYU-371 • RTSC-630 • MQG-636 • MGXQ-704 • NLC-472 • ?WX-824 • QU-816 • GYL-773 • VRK-805 • NTL-846 • JIW-152 • NRQ-592 • SLTR-625 • NW?-808 • NOD-634 • JPWQ-746 • RT? • ?-385 • NPF-168 • VRY-371 • NTS-481 • GRB-645 • NTK-733 • KRK-786 • NRT-442 • QYC-824 • NTN-858 • XHD-352 • KRY? • WTZ-363 • HGW-332 • XNTK-552 • 112-6837 • RET 126 • 564-581 • LPOS-508 •MKX-688 • 699-PCF • ZXC-506 • JOW-PC? • ?40-OLO • KRN-852 • 4RT-Y88 • TTRE-786 • 243-OKPL • 854-8876 • 789-655 • 8554-PE • 4098-ICO • QWQ-PLKB • RXS-? • M-FEPO • YUI-690 • LADY-654 • KES-9901 • 334J-098 • NGTO-65 • FERD-997 • DOOI-655 • MNK-055 • POP-POO • ROB-? • ?HOPS • MRR-HKRS • DCO-OPG • JMO-6424 • 545-IOPF • HETY-956 • XCV-P15 • SZM-OPS • 4590-98 • 756-4506 • IZK-? • ?06-002 • 062-MGK • TXC-597 • MVM-PLO • RKF-UIQ • 5789-QJG • VMB-MNN • VMK-? • NUR-878 • 325-2549 • 327-KQ? • ?JG • RKC-0? • XCE-093 • GHEN-877 • XKD-5567 • IWS-RCT •634M-IOP • GSFE-685 • 409-6308 • KEMG-ME • NOKO-? • ?HBT1 • NA? • ?PK-MUD1 • NEM-1445 • JJJ-ROR • JRJ-5475 • LKKE-JKE • 890-38K • KKW-4U83 • LKJ-0527 • KYR? • QW4-TW? • ?6 • OIU-2341 • IUY-9060 • RTY-8501 • SED-6584 • 838-PU76 • OIU-479 • WER-3008 • GRJ-2723 • AAJ-08? • ?DFB • QQQ-344 • 2WT-0987 • 111-WSA5 • 22Q-DF2 • XFG-8618 • SDF-576 • 234-RET • GAZ-655 • LKM-? • ?87 • KKK-587 • JHG-618 • OFP-6741 • VCX-4221 • JNY-5540 • GOS-8323 [Note: these are hard to read and are best approximations.]

MS. HAUSER: If only they’d put that kind of effort into their schoolwork.

Veronica is intent on examining the paddle. Clemmons notices that she has it and reaches for it.

CLEMMONS: I’ll take that.

The teachers leave and Veronica watches them go.


Thumper has his stuffed snake. He walks along proudly, holding the head. As he passes a little girl inside the ball pit looking out, he shoves it in her face with a hiss, causing her to scream and fall back into the balls. He grins as he walks on. He does the same to a couple of girls as he walks past them and they run off. He pauses as he heads for the exit. Clemmons is waiting for him with two security guards. Clemmons stares at him.


Clemmons doesn't respond and Thumper starts to lose his bravado, swallowing hard.


Veronica enters.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: It was a bummer when Clemmons took my keys. Of course, it made the twenty bucks I dropped having them copied a sound investment.

Veronica goes straight to a box on Clemmons' desk. She picks up the paddle which lies at the top of the box.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Mrs. Hauser may have seen an ill-conceived cutting board. I saw tagging. I saw code.

VERONICA: License plates.

Veronica heads out, taking the paddle.


Veronica goes to the photocopier. She opens it and finds a single sheet of paper already in there. She turns it over and it is questions 5-8 of a test, obviously the second page. In a slight prop faux-pas, when she brings it closer to read, it has turned into page one of the test. It reads: "Health Test - Alcohol and Alcoholism. Ms. Hauser. Health Class 3rd Period. 1. When a person takes a drink, the alcohol first enters the person's stomach, and then 20% passes through the lining of the stomach into the bloodstream. The rest of the alcohol moves to the [choices] small intestine, bloodstream, liver, kidneys." Veronica smiles knowingly and shakes her head. She folds what is now magically two sheets of paper. She puts the paddle on the photocopier and copies it.


As Veronica strides along, Jackie exits the girls' bathroom.

VERONICA: Great news. You didn’t steal the Senior Trip money.

JACKIE: Good to know.

VERONICA: Hey, I’m about to watch Mrs. Hauser squirm in her own personal hell. If you’re not doing anything…

Veronica gives a come hither face and starts to walk on. Jackie smiles slightly and follows.


Madison and J.B. are there with Clemmons and Ms. Hauser.

MADISON: Great. What kind of senior trip can we have with $3,000?

Veronica and Jackie enter.

VERONICA: Look who I found. Miss Trashy-Trash. We marked your words before, and I don’t know if you know this, but they formed this, like...

She uses her hands to make a ball.

VERONICA: ...totally false accusation. I know – yikes. I figured you might welcome the opportunity to apologize.

The silence is temporarily deafening. Madison is unrepentant and looks away. Ms. Hauser stares at them defiantly before speaking.

MS. HAUSER: [rushed, as if all one word] You didn’t steal the money. I’m sorry.

Dismissively, she turns to Clemmons.

VERONICA: Totally worth it.

Jackie laughs.

VERONICA: Oh, I found this in a copy machine.

Veronica pulls out what is now a single folded sheet from her bag. She unfolds it and holds it up. This time it looks like the third page as there are only three questions and no header at the top. She places it on the desk between her and Ms. Hauser. Ms. Hauser leans forward to grab it, a look of consternation on her face.

MS. HAUSER: Where did you get this? This is my exam.

VERONICA: [slowly, emphasising each word] In the copy machine.

She turns to Jackie.

VERONICA: Am I still speaking English?

JACKIE: Mm-hmm.

CLEMMONS: What were you doing at the copy machine?

VERONICA: [quickly and lightly] Making coffee.

MS. HAUSER: This exam is locked up in my filing cabinet.

VERONICA: Not anymore. The only question now is who had access. Who knows your code to the copy machine?

MS. HAUSER: Just my student aid.

Veronica and Ms. Hauser both look over at J.B.

VERONICA: Perhaps when he borrowed your keys…

J.B.: She’s trying to sabotage me. I am, like, this close to beating her out for the Kane Scholarship. This is just like the stuff that she does. She planted it.

VERONICA: And for my next trick, I will take J.B. into the hallway, whisper a few magic words, and when we return, he’ll confess.

Veronica holds out her hands, fingers spread, magician-style.

J.B.: Yeah, yeah, that’ll happen.

VERONICA: Don’t oversell it, J.B. People will think you’re a mark. Step right this way.

Veronica indicates the hallway and moves out of the room. J.B. casts a look at Ms. Hauser and then follows.


VERONICA: Pretty bold move, making a copy of Mrs. Hauser’s test right under her nose.

J.B.: Wow, yeah, I confess.

They stop by a bin. Veronica sets her laptop on top of it.

VERONICA: But, you knew she’d be distracted, didn’t you? You knew there’d be streakers at precisely four p.m. Didn’t you?

She opens the laptop.

VERONICA: Did you forget that I took pictures of last year’s Triton initiation?

Veronica turns the laptop so J.B. can see the screen. She has a picture of Duncan and the MIT guy shaking hands at the end of the initiation ceremony in 112 "Clash of the Tritons." J.B. is clearly identifiable in the background, shaking the hand of another initiate.

VERONICA: I made a promise to a certain Triton that his secret was safe, but…he’s long gone.

J.B.: Uh, that still, uh, doesn’t prove –

She slams the laptop shut.

VERONICA: I’ll bet if we check the copy machine log, it’ll tell us that copies were made with Mrs. Hauser’s code say 4:03, 4:04 p.m. Should I call them over?

J.B.: You’re bluffing. The copy machine can’t do that.

VERONICA: Well, here’s your choice – you can call my bluff and we’ll all find out exactly what the copy machine can do. Of course, if you choose that option, I’m posting this Tritons photo on your homepage. I’ve heard what happens to Tritons who reveal their secrets.

J.B.: I don’t have a homepage.

VERONICA: You will. Then, there’s option two – confession. Reveal your secret powers.

Veronica smirks as J.B. considers his options. He heads back to the classroom.


J.B. enters. Veronica follows. They take up the places where they stood before.

J.B.: I stole the test.

VERONICA: Ta-daaaaaa!

Jackie laughs.

MS. HAUSER: Did she threaten you, J.B.? Don’t let her scare you. If you didn’t steal that test, then you shouldn’t –

J.B.: No. No. I stole it.

As Ms. Hauser is talking, Veronica notices a footprint in the glitter on Ms. Hauser's desk. She looks up at the ceiling. Veronica takes a waste paper bin, puts it upturned onto the desk and climbs up.

MS. HAUSER: [urgently] What are you doing? Get down from there!

Veronica tests the ceiling tile.

CLEMMONS: Miss Mars…

The tile lifts up. Veronica reaches in and pulls out an envelope.

VERONICA: This isn’t a sweater.

She looks inside and shows that it's full of money. She gives a big gasp.

VERONICA: All right, cash! How’d you know?

CLEMMONS: How did you know to look up there?

VERONICA: I have to say...

Veronica jumps down from the desk.

VERONICA: I grossly underestimated the usefulness of glitter. Look at that. Practically a perfect footprint.

Clemmons looks down at the desk. The footprint is clearly of a high-heeled shoe.

JACKIE: Ah, shouldn’t be too hard to find. There are not many people wear heels to a carnival.

Clemmons looks down at Ms. Hauser's feet, covered by her trousers.

CLEMMONS: Would you mind lifting up your foot, Mrs. Hauser?

Ms. Hauser laughs in disbelief and stares at him. He holds her gaze. She looks back at Veronica and Jackie who smile expectantly. Madison and J.B. watch on in shock. Ms. Hauser lets out a scoff and lifts up her foot. The pattern on the bottom of her shoe, which is covered in glitter, matches the footprint exactly.

MS. HAUSER: You know, I’ve been walking in that glitter all day. I mean, you could see, it’s everywhere around my desk.

VERONICA: So your shoes were very fancy when you were skimming off the top of the cashbox. My guess is Mrs. Hauser helped herself to a few bills long before she ever gave me the money.

Ms. Hauser looks increasingly uncomfortable as she searches for her next words.

CLEMMONS: Maybe we should take this into my office.

Veronica hands the money to Clemmons. Ms. Hauser starts to flounce out of the classroom. Clemmons follows.

CLEMMONS: This would be a prime example of why I consider the advice of some of my students.

He looks back at Veronica, who smiles proudly. He disappears after Ms. Hauser. Veronica turns to Madison.

VERONICA: Buck up, Maddie. Senior trip is back on, sister. Six grand – we’re Magic Mountain bound. Oh, you know there’s a ride called the Viper, right? Isn’t that, like, your mother ship?

Jackie giggles and even J.B. smothers a chuckle. Veronica and Jackie head out of the room.

JACKIE: [laughing] Oh, Mrs. Hauser, Thumper, J.B. Is there anyone here that isn’t a thief or a cheat?

They leave a very disgruntled Madison and J.B.


It's later as Madison has made her way to the car park and is talking to a couple of girls who are leaning against one of the cars.

GIRL: She’s so totally lame.

Dick, leaving the carnival, comes upon them.

DICK: Mad-i-son. What you up to, girl? Feel like heading to my car for a quickie?

MADISON: I’ve moved on to older men, Dick. Fewer quickies, more longies.

She pats his face condescendingly and walks away, leaving him belittled and unhappy. He walks on until he reaches a leg balancing against the bumper of his car, smoothing down a stocking. He halts. It's an older woman, sexily dressed.

MILF: The bad thing about thigh-highs.

DICK: Yeah, there’s nothing bad about thigh-highs.

She drops her leg and faces him.

MILF: I’m waiting to pick up my daughter.

DICK: You mean, your sister?

MILF: I mean my stepdaughter. I tend to marry older men, then I mess around with the younger ones.

They both laugh.

DICK: Nice.

MILF: You know, I have about another half-hour to kill. I get the feeling that you’re fantastic at killing time.

DICK: Yeah!

Dick, unable to believe his luck, races to open the car's door. They climb in and shut the door. Behind them, Logan and Hannah are also leaving the carnival. As they walk, their hands keep bumping together.

LOGAN: Would you stop trying to hold my hand?

Hannah laughs at his presumption.

LOGAN: Save it for the date, will ya?

They stop at the edge of the car park.

HANNAH: My ride’s picking me up here.

LOGAN: So I guess I’ll see you Saturday.

HANNAH: Mm-hmm.

LOGAN: I’ll call you.


Hannah goes to move away. Logan pulls her back and kisses her. She looks at him in surprise.

LOGAN: You know, just in case you don’t kiss on the first date.

She smiles and he moves in to kiss her again. They kiss until the lights of a car flash across their faces and a car horn sounds. Hannah pulls away and looks in the direction of the car. She walks towards it. Logan rushes to open the car door.

LOGAN: Allow me.

She climbs in and addresses the driver.

HANNAH: Hey, daddy.

Daddy is Dr. Tom Griffith. He looks grumpy but that is nothing compared to the shock he gets when Logan crouches down and comes into view. Logan gives him a little wave, glances at Hannah and then back at Griffith, smiling all the while. Griffith is frozen as Logan walks away. Back in the middle of the car park, the door to Dick's car bursts open. Dick backs out quickly, spitting as he goes.

DICK: What the hell was that?

He turns back to face the woman-who-isn't. He points to Milf's crotch.

DICK: What is that?

MILF: [gruffly] What do you call yours?

Dick spits again. Across the car park, Logan is watching. Next to him, sitting on the bonnet of another car, are Mac and Beaver, holding up flashlights.

BEAVER: Whoo! Get her, Dick!

Dick, furious, heads straight for his brother, his intent clear. Mac slides off the bonnet and Logan, looking concerned, heads towards them to break it up. Dick slams Beaver down against the car and pulls back his fist.

BEAVER: You hit me and you’ll suffer worse, I promise you.

Dick hesitates for a moment but seems to find his resolve and readies himself. Beaver smiles at him maliciously.

BEAVER: [quietly] You remember Sally?

The fist opens and Dick looks genuinely frightened. He puts down his arm and lets Beaver up. Dick stares at his brother as he starts to back away. He spits once more, wiping his mouth as he passes Logan.

LOGAN: Would that you could spit out the memories.

Dick looks at him, then spits again and storms away.


Keith is a little drunk. He is standing in front of Terrence, giving a display.

KEITH: You knocked the hell out of that ball. I’m in the stands, I’m climbing over people, I’m under the seats, and by the time I got it, I was covered in old beer and mustard and bruised and battered.

Keith collapses onto the couch as Terrence laughs. Both men have taken off their jackets and are relaxed.

KEITH: It is not easy being a fan.

TERRENCE: Three career home runs and you got one of them. Unbelievable. Oh…I think I need to call a cab. I’ll come pick up my car tomorrow.

Terrence pushes himself off the couch and grabs his jacket from the coat stand. He turns to face Keith again as he puts on his jacket.

TERRENCE: Uh, I just want to be sure. You, uh…you taking my case?

KEITH: That depends. Is there anything else you need to tell me?

TERRENCE: I can’t think of anything.

KEITH: Then I’m afraid I can’t.

TERRENCE: Why’s that?

KEITH: Because you’re not coming clean with me.

TERRENCE: What? I’ve told you everything.

Keith, still wearing a silly grin, shakes his head. He fiddles with the laptop on the small table. Terrence sits down next to him. Keith sits back as the recording of Terrence and Lamb starts.

TERRENCE: [on tape] I never bet on baseball.

LAMB: [offscreen on tape] I got a guy in a holding cell back there, says you did favours for gentlemen who bet extensively on baseball.

Terrence sighs heavily. Keith turns off the recording. Terrence leans back against the wall, his eyes closed.

TERRENCE: Is there anything you don’t know? Leslie was at my place when two goons broke in. Fitzpatricks. You know ‘em?

KEITH: I do.

TERRENCE: Well, they were trying to collect some money, and Leslie overheard something that would ruin me. No endorsements, no Hall of Fame. She said if I ever left her, she’d sell her story to a magazine.

KEITH: What could possibly be that bad?

Terrence looks away, reluctant to talk.

KEITH: Well, then I guess there’s nothing else to say but good night.

TERRENCE: [frustrated] I have a gambling problem.

KEITH: I’m aware of that.

TERRENCE: I got in pretty deep. I had to do some things that I’m not proud of.

KEITH: Terrence, we can dance around this all night.

TERRENCE: I threw a game.

Some of the light goes out of Keith's eyes.

TERRENCE: It was game four of the ALCS. Three-run homer Baylor hit off me. Seventy mile-per-hour curveball. Didn’t break. Pure meat.

Keith is lost in his own memories.

TERRENCE: Leslie heard all about it. I mean, that pitch, it erased millions in debt. That’s when baseball players, they didn’t make what they make today.

KEITH: [softly] I was almost at that game.

Keith closes the laptop.

KEITH: But Veronica gets the chicken pox.

Keith gathers up the laptop and holds it close to his chest. He gets up and walks to the desk.

KEITH: I’m glued to the TV with my jersey and my...

Keith waves his hand.

KEITH: ...foam finger. A grown man. Pretty silly, huh. You know what’s even more silly? The superstitious fan in me. I thought we lost that game because I wasn’t there. I even felt a little guilty, like I let you guys down.

Terrence sighs and gets up from the couch leadenly.

KEITH: I thought, “there’s always next year.” You guys never made it back.

Terrence reaches the door.

KEITH: I’m $50 an hour, plus expenses.

Terrence looks back, stunned.

TERRENCE: You’ll take my case? Why?

KEITH: You’re Terrence Cook. You wouldn’t kill a bus full of kids. I still believe that.

Terrence drops his head and walks out of the office.


A lime green Impala pulls into the car park. Veronica is waiting. She walks towards the car as Weevil gets out.

VERONICA: Got a funny story for you. I call it “How Weevil got his new car.”

WEEVIL: Well, are there pictures? ‘Cause I’m a little slow.

VERONICA: Remember that whole thing with Nancy’s number on the fifty dollar bill? Yeah, I made it up.

Weevil smiles and shakes his head.

WEEVIL: You got some skill, girl.

VERONICA: The sheriff let your buddy Thumper go. The bag of pills you planted? Ephedrine. There is one thing I can’t figure out, and it’s pretty much driving me insane. I know you broke Thumper’s lock, just took off your own and put it on Thumper’s locker, but I don’t know how you did it. Where did you hide the cashbox?

WEEVIL: The two places you looked for it. The cashbox was in my niece’s backpack.


At the carnival, Weevil's arms can be seen putting the cashbox in Ophelia's bag and zipping it shut.

WEEVIL: [offscreen] Then she went into the ball pit, stashed the box.



WEEVIL: We got the third degree from you, like I didn’t know that was coming.

VERONICA: Then she went back in and got the box.

Weevil nods.

VERONICA: While I was having the ball pit drained, you were planting cash and ephedrine in Thumper’s locker.


Weevil sits at a desk and writes "Nancy" on the back of a fifty dollar bill.

WEEVIL: Well, I had to go back later and add the incriminating fifty dollar bill.



VERONICA: So, when you rented The Thomas Crown Affair, McQueen or Brosnan?

Weevil just grins.

WEEVIL: Is it your undying love for me or just good old-fashioned lust?

Veronica looks confuses and puts her hand to her ear.


WEEVIL: That kept you from turning me in.

Veronica puts her finger on her lip and thinks for a moment. She points at him.


Her finger returns to her lip and then she points again.

VERONICA: Of rollercoasters.

Weevil chuckles.

VERONICA: And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates. Nothing to do with you.

They smile. End. Executive producer Rob Thomas (who is a god).