1.08 Like a Virgin

Written by: Aury Wallington
Directed by: Guy Norman Bee

Original Air Date: 23 November, 2004
Transcribed by Inigo

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars…

Veronica studies Keith’s Lilly Kane murder file from 106 Return of the Kane.

TV: [offscreen] The Lilly Kane murder case took an unexpected turn as Abel Koontz fired his public appointed legal counsel.

Veronica and Keith watch the news report from the same episode.

KEITH: Guess he’s ready to die.

Weevil talks to Veronica outside his house from 102 Credit Where Credit’s Due.

WEEVIL: I guess what everybody says about you is true too. That you spy on Duncan Kane.

Veronica pauses over her ballot paper to gaze at Duncan from 106 Return of the Kane.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Duncan Kane. He used to be my boyfriend.

Veronica and Duncan walk down the hallway from 107 The Girl Next Door.

VERONICA: Did you know that your dad and my mom were king and queen of the prom? I guess they were like a couple or something.

Veronica and Keith consider the evidence from the crime scene photos and the arrest video from 106 Return of the Kane.

VERONICA: This is an enlargement of a crime scene photo taken the night of Lilly’s murder. And I need to show you something.

KEITH: What are those shoes doing in Abel Koontz’s possession?

VERONICA: Good question.

End previously.


Veronica sits at her desk, considering the photos of the shoes.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Two photos that don’t add up; there’s only one person who can make sense of them and only one person who can get me in to see that person.

Cliff enters.

VERONICA: Cliff McCormack. Just the person I wanted to see. Can I get you some coffee, a doughnut, baked good of some sort?

CLIFF: Aren’t we pleasant? You’re not gonna try to sell me a raffle ticket, are ya?

Cliff peers round the corner into Keith’s office, looking for him.

VERONICA: Close. I want you to get me onto death row to meet with Abel Koontz.

Cliff laughs.

CLIFF: You crazy kids. This stuff you’re into.

He takes the chair opposite Veronica.

CLIFF: Hula-hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death row inmates. What’s it going to be next month?

VERONICA: I’m serious. You’re Koontz’s lawyer.

CLIFF: Interesting fact; once a person confesses to a crime, gets sentenced to death and refuses to appeal, the term becomes former lawyer.

VERONICA: You can get him to see me.

CLIFF: He alone decides who he’ll see and so far, he’s seen no one.

VERONICA: Except you, his ever-loving lawyer.

CLIFF: Yes, me, his $20 an hour public defender. Dershowitz, Cochran and Shapiro were offering up their limbs, and he comes here for representation. I failed criminal law and I still know that can’t be good.

VERONICA: Tell me. Do these look like the same pair of shoes to you?

Veronica hands him the photos.

CLIFF: Um, sure, I guess so. Why?

Cliff looks around again to see where Keith is.

VERONICA: One of those photos was taken in Lilly’s room after her murder. The other is from Koontz’s houseboat, two months later.

CLIFF: I see.

VERONICA: Why would Abel Koontz break back into the Kane house simply to steal a pair of shoes?

CLIFF: [slowly] Because he’s crazy? Your dad didn’t page me, did he?

Cliff chuckles as he gathers his briefcase and stands to go.

VERONICA: Help me get in to talk to Koontz and I’ll judge whether he’s crazy for myself.

CLIFF: Write him a letter stating your case, I’ll make sure he gets it and deny any involvement with what you’re doing.

VERONICA: Thanks, Cliffy.

Cliff reaches the door.

CLIFF: Um-hum, he’s gonna say no.

VERONICA: You think? Sometimes people find it very difficult to say no to me.


Veronica emerges from the shower in a towel. She finds her locker open.

VERONICA: Where are my clothes?

She looks around. Some of the girls ignore her, other watch, giggle and smirk.

VERONICA: Where are my clothes?

The girls don’t respond and start to leave. Cut to Veronica looking at her clothes stuffed down the toilet. Meg runs over.

MEG: Veronica, did you find your clothes, yet?

Meg sees the clothes.

MEG: Ugh, the people can be so awful here.

VERONICA: Well does this towel make me look fat?

MEG: You need something to wear?


Meg and Veronica exit the school. Veronica is wearing a cheerleader outfit. There are catcalls and whistles at Veronica’s appearance.

MEG: I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry.

VERONICA: No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.

Meg glances behind her at one of the 09er tables.

MEG: Why don’t you come have lunch with us? You’re already dressed for the occasion.

Veronica looks over at the table where Dick Casablancas, Meg’s boyfriend Cole, Pam and Kimmy are laughing.

VERONICA: I think I’m gonna go straight home and change but thank you for this. Really.

MEG: Um-hm.

Veronica leaves to the accompaniment of some girls mocking her. At the 09er table, Dick is reading off a laptop screen as the others listen.

DICK: Number 26, have you ever done it in a car? Yes. Number 27, have you ever done it in a moving car? Yes again.

Pam and Kimmy laugh as Meg joins them. Meg cuddles up to Cole.

PAM: Oh my god! Meg, is Veronica Mars wearing your uniform?

MEG: Yeah.

PAM: Better make sure she washes it.

DICK: I’d boil it if I were you.

MEG: We fear what we don’t understand. Veronica’s cool, you guys, really.

DICK: Tell that to Logan. She put a bong in his locker and got him suspended.

KIMMY: What about Ashley? She told her that her dad was having an affair. A week later her parents split up.

PAM: You’re too nice, Meg. The girl’s a skank.

Duncan joins the table. Pam visibly preens.

DICK: Says Pam, the girl who scored a 63 on the purity test.

PAM: Shut up.

DICK: Gosh.

PAM: I did not.

MEG: What’s a purity test?

DICK: Aw, it’s this online list of questions of everything you could possibly do that’s dirty or fun or illegal: have you smoked pot, have you ever shoplifted…

DUNCAN: Have you ever done a reverse cowgirl?

Pam is particularly amused.

DUNCAN: And then it tallies up your answers and gives you the score of what percentage pure you are. The lower score, the badder you’ve been.

PAM: So if you get a 60, you’re 60% pure, 40% sack jockey. Anything under 60’s really slutty.

DUNCAN: Unless you’re a guy.

KIMMY: It was emailed to the whole school. Everyone’s taking it.

Meg turns to Cole.

MEG: What’d you score?

COLE: Uh, 91.

DICK: Dude, Snow White took it and scored an 89.

Everyone at the table laughs.

MEG: I think it’s sexy we decided to wait.

Meg smiles at Cole, gives him a quick kiss on the lips, and exits.

DUNCAN: All right, Cole. Kissing on the lips now.

COLE: [sighs heavily] Somebody describe second base to me. Tell me what it’s like. Is it beautiful there?


Music: Hands on the Money by Kid Symphony. A Pay-Per-View showing of the Super Featherweight Crown is to start in 22 seconds. Wallace is surfing on the computer on his lap while Veronica watches the tv.

VERONICA: Twenty seconds, baby.

WALLACE: You’re this excited about the Super Featherweight Crown?

VERONICA: I know I’m usually so passive. But our bond grows stronger every day, he-who-has-satellite-dish.

WALLACE: So, did you take the purity test. [off Veronica’s offended look] Yeah, me neither. Stupid, right.

VERONICA: What’d you score?

WALLACE: Seventy.

VERONICA: Wow, you are 30% danger-lovin’, girl-touchin’ rock star.

WALLACE: More like one point away from being cool.


Veronica unzips her top and shows off her sports bra.

VERONICA: Now you’re a big stud. Happy?

Wallace’s chuckle is cut short when he looks up and sees his mother Alicia in the entranceway.

ALICIA: Wallace.

End music: Hands on the Money by Kid Symphony.

ALICIA: Can I talk to you for a moment?

Veronica’s broad smile has dropped as she lets out a deep breath. Wallace puts the laptop on the table, gets up from the couch and heads out of the room.

VERONICA: [softly] That had to worth at least two points.

Wallace enters the kitchen to face his mother as his little brother watches from the stool on which he is perched.

ALICIA: I thought we talked about you hanging out with that girl. I’ve only heard bad things about the Mars family since we moved here.

WALLACE: Except from me.

ALICIA: We have the chance of making a fresh start in Neptune. Now there have to be lots of respectable kids in your school.

Wallace shakes his head.

ALICIA: I don’t want you spending all your time with Veronica Mars.

Cut to Veronica, perusing the laptop as Wallace re-enters the lounge. On the computer’s screen is a webpage entitled: How Pure Are You? It is illustrated by a cartoon nun and devil. Wallace falls heavily onto the couch, next to Veronica.

COMPUTER: I’m an angel. I’m hot. Straight from heaven.

VERONICA: Did she invite me for supper?

WALLACE: Aw no, it’s no big deal. You know how many girls she caught flashing me?

VERONICA: Listen to this. Not that innocent? Buy the results of anyone’s purity test. Ten dollars will let you know if you’re dating an angel from heaven or a hottie from hell.

WALLACE: That’s crazy. You can go on there and buy anyone’s test?

VERONICA: I never thought I’d say this...but I kinda can’t wait for school tomorrow.


It’s chaos. People are challenging each other about sleeping with boyfriends or cheering girls who look confused. One boyfriend is being smacked by a roll of paper in his girlfriend’s hand. Veronica is greatly amused. Cole is standing with Meg outside her locker, opposite Veronica’s locker. Meg is trying to rub out the large number 48 painted on her locker.

COLE: I knew when you came back from Spain last summer, there was something different about you. Should have guessed you slept with that Javier guy. You couldn’t shut up about him.

MEG: He was our tour guide.

COLE: Oh. Was sex included in the package or was that extra?

MEG: I did not have sex with him. I haven’t had sex with anybody. This is crazy; I didn’t even take the test.

COLE: [reads] Have you ever slept with someone who spoke a language you didn’t know? Have you ever had a fling while on vacation? Do you lie to protect your reputation? It all makes sense, every question here. You turned me into a joke. Thanks.

Cole walks away from the upset Meg. Veronica approaches her with a tissue.

MEG: I-I didn’t even do anything.


MEG: You believe me?

VERONICA: Meg, you’re the last good person at this school. I’d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We’ll clear your name and make somebody pay.

MEG: Really?

VERONICA: Unless there’s a fairy godmother already on it.

Opening credits.


A teacher is supervising a student. Veronica enters.

VERONICA: Is there any way to convert cipher text to plain text without initial knowledge of the crypto-algorithms?

TEACHER: Ah, excuse me?

VERONICA: I’m trying to figure out how someone could have overridden the control framework on the school server in order to access everyone’s password. Can you help me?

TEACHER: Yeah, uh, in real life, I’m actually a gym teacher. The person you want to talk to is Mac. Try the parking lot, look for the blue hair.


Veronica sees a girl, with a streak of electric blue in her hair. She is kicking the door of an old wreck of a car.

MAC: Damn it!

VERONICA: Have you ever seen that movie “Repo Man”?

MAC: [in the negative] Uh-uh.

Veronica lays her bag on the hood of the car and takes out a plastic file. She removes the grip from its side.

VERONICA: Just call me Otto.

Mac watches as Veronica slides the grip between the door and the window of the car and unlocks it.

MAC: Wow. That’s really criminal of you, Otto. I’m impressed.


MAC: I don’t know why I bother locking it in the first place. It barely runs. Mostly I just keep it around for status.

VERONICA: Fashizzle.

Veronica points at her own car.

VERONICA: Check out the LeBaron.

MAC: Stylin’!

VERONICA: I’m Veronica, by the way.

MAC: Mac.

VERONICA: Is that ‘cause you’re good with computers?

MAC: Ah, no, ‘cause my last name’s Mackenzie. How’d you know I was good at computers.

Veronica smiles. Cut to later as they sit on the hood of Mac’s car.

MAC: Every student has an email address that’s easily accessible. You’re VeronicaMars@NeptuneHigh.org, Meg would be MegManning@NeptuneHigh.org.

VERONICA: That’s the easy part. Anyone can buy a copy of the test but to post the results in the first place, you need to use your password. Who has that information?

MAC: Only the student and the IT guy.

VERONICA: Neptune High School has their own IT guy?

MAC: Renny DeMouy. We share him with the entire school district but he’s here Tuesday and Friday mornings.

VERONICA: You know his schedule by heart.

MAC: I do a lot of computer stuff. Plus you’ll understand when you see him.

VERONICA: Cool. Thanks.

MAC: Yeah and if Renny can’t help you let me know ‘cause I might be able to find a way to sneak into the system and get you some answers.

VERONICA: That’s really criminal. Thanks.


Veronica is posing in front of a sheet placed over a window. Her hands are raised and pointing in an odd position.

WALLACE: Why are you holding your hands like that?

VERONICA: So that one day in your memoirs, you’ll describe me as inscrutable.

Wallace takes a picture.

WALLACE: I was leaning more toward bonkers.

VERONICA: I’ll take what I can get.

The phone rings.

WALLACE: Ah, I guess I’ll get that.

Wallace leaves the room to take the call. As Veronica is putting away the camera, she sees Alicia through the window, speaking to a man at the door of an apartment attached to the house. Veronica watches.

ALICIA: It’s been over two months now and no rent.

JEREMY: You’ve been really great and I appreciate it.

ALICIA: I’m tired of being great, you know, I have my own bills to worry about.

JEREMY: Listen, can we talk about this later? I had to take a painkiller for my back and I’m a little fuzzy. That fall that I took on your front steps really wrecked me. I think you should probably get those fixed.

He shuts the door in Alicia’s face. She is not happy. Veronica carries on packing up.


Meg and a fellow student are anchors on a news programme and are seen through a viewfinder, watching a report.

MICHAEL: [offscreen] From New York City to the California coast, Miss Poppum is hoping to bring a little bit of Broadway to the beach. Meg.

MEG: Thank you, Michael.


Veronica watches. Duncan is also in the class, although paying less attention.

MEG: Auditions for “Cabaret” will be held this Friday immediately after school.

LARS: You’re quite the actress yourself, aren’t you Meg?

Meg is flustered.

MEG: Uh, um.

The awkward pause continues.

LARS: Uh, weren’t you the lead in “Guys and Dolls” last spring?

She laughs with mixed embarrassment and relief.

MEG: Ah, yeah.

Veronica is sympathetic.


The broadcast over, Meg leaves the anchor desk and joins Pam and Kimmy behind the camera.

PAM: That was so uncool. He shouldn’t have gone off script.

MEG: No, it was my fault. I’m just not myself lately.

PAM: [to Kimmy]Maybe Mrs Denton will fire him and promote you.

MEG: You should have been picked anyway, Kimmy. Your audition tape was awesome.

KIMMY: Thanks, Meg.


Meg is at her locker. Veronica approaches.

VERONICA: Hey. You okay?

MEG: Barely. Boys have been calling my house, emailing me porn, slut sneezing.


MEG: [demonstrates by sneezing out the words] Slut, slut.

Meg closes her locker and they walk down the hallway together.

VERONICA: Okay, whoever posted those results had to have gotten hold of your password somehow. Here’s my very important question. Does anyone else besides you know it?

MEG: No, no one.

They stop and face each other.

MEG: Well maybe my sister Lizzie. I mean, we’re very close.


Lizzie is applying her makeup as Veronica stands behind her.

LIZZIE: I wish I had posted it. You have no idea what a pain in the ass it is living in that house with her. It’s all: “Meg got a scholarship, Meg keeps her room spotless, Meg never got kicked out of summer camp for waking up in the swim coach’s cabin.” That it?

VERONICA: Unless you want to tell me you created the fake test for your sister.

LIZZIE: No. But you might as well blame me. I get blamed for everything else.

Veronica watches Lizzie trounce out.


Veronica enters as Renny is working on a computer.



He has a French accent. As he swings around to face Veronica, she does a double take at his dark, good looks.

VERONICA: Whoa! Um, I was-

RENNY: Can I help you with something?

VERONICA: [getting back on track and perky] I hope so. Um, my friend Julie, it’s her sweet sixteen tomorrow and I wanted to change her screen saver to say happy birthday, like, as a surprise, but I don’t know her password. I was told I could get it from you. She won’t mind, I promise. We’re like total BFFs.

RENNY: I don’t know what that means but I cannot give you someone else’s password. They are confidential.

VERONICA: Am I supposed to, like, pay you or something?

RENNY: I cannot give it to you. I would lose my job. I’m sorry but…no way.

Veronica pouts and exits.


The auditions for “Cabaret” are being held. Veronica enters.

KIMMY: [offscreen, singing] You can tell my brother, that’s not grim
'Cause if he squeals on me I'll squeal on him,
But don't tell Mama, bitte
Don't tell Mama, please, sir,
Don't tell Mama…

Veronica stops to watch Kimmy.

KIMMY: [singing]…What you know. Sssh!
[speaking]So if you see my Mommy, mum's the word!

There is polite clapping as members of the audience call out comments.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Good job, Kimmy.


CHOIR TEACHER: Good job, Kimmy. Um, Meg? You’re up.

Meg goes up to the mike as Kimmy takes a seat upstage. The choir teacher pounds out the intro on the piano as Meg starts to move her shoulders suggestively.

MEG: [singing] Mama thinks I'm living in a convent
A secluded little convent in the southern part of France.


MEG: [singing] Mama doesn't even have an inkling


AUDIENCE MEMBER: [sneezes] Slut.

Meg is starting be affected by the heckling. She carries on but is increasingly losing it.

MEG: [singing] That I'm working in a nightclub in a pair of lacy pants.


MEG: [singing] So please, sir if you run into my mama,

The noise and mockery of the audience gets louder and more disruptive.

MEG: [singing] Don't reveal my indiscretion, give a working girl a…[sobs] chance.

Meg rushes off the stage. The audience jeers and applauds. Veronica races after her.


Veronica catches up with Meg.

VERONICA: Life is so not a cabaret.

MEG: I can’t take this anymore. This is too much. Everyone thinks I’m the biggest slut in school.

They’ve stopped in front of Veronica’s locker which now bears a painted number, fourteen.

VERONICA: We- [sees the number] Well, second biggest.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: I suppose the only surprise is that it took them this long to come after me.


Veronica is at her laptop. She is surrounded by articles and clippings on Abel Koontz. She types as she dictates to herself in a Virginian drawl.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dear Mr Koontz, my name is Ellen White and I’m a graduate student in criminology at San Diego State University. I also happen to be from your home town. I would love the opportunity to talk with you.

On the laptop, Veronica superimposes the photo Wallace took earlier onto one showing a Stallingsburg town sign. She prints off the photo and smiles.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: I admit it. I splurged and spent ten bucks to read my own purity test.


Renny is checking some computers. There is a knock at his door.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Apparently I’ve pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.

RENNY: You’re back.

VERONICA: I need to change the password on my email account. Someone managed to figure out the old one.

RENNY: That’s why your password should always include numbers as well as letters. Everyone thinks its fun to use the name of your dog or boyfriend, but that actually makes it easy to crack.

Renny moves to a computer screen.

VERONICA: My old password was GJ7B!X.

Renny stares at Veronica.

RENNY: Well, try and make this one a little bit tougher.


Jeremy is in their kitchen, sliding a steak from a frying pan onto a plate when the Fennels arrive home with groceries.

ALICIA: What do you think you’re doing?

JEREMY: What does it look like?

Alicia puts down the grocery bag. She is angry.

ALICIA: You are not supposed to be in here. You have a stove in your own apartment.

JEREMY: No, I don’t have a stove, you see, I have a hot plate.

ALICIA: Jeremy, I have been about as patient with you as I’m gonna be. Now, do you think that I charge you rent for the hell of it? I rely on that money.

JEREMY: God! You’re like this mosquito that’s buzzing around my ear.

WALLACE: Hey, watch it man.

JEREMY: You know, I can’t enter my home, right, my home without being accosted.

Wallace is also getting angry. He puts down his grocery bag and pulls off his jacket, ready to rumble.

JEREMY: Every time I make a move, I get this yappity yap in my face.

Jeremy grabs the frying pan and slams it down on the stove. Wallace makes for Jeremy.

WALLACE: Yeah, all right then. Let’s get this yappity yap-

Alicia, who has spotted the pan in Jeremy’s hand, holds out her arm to block Wallace.

ALICIA: Whoa, whoa. Hold on, son, hold on. [to Jeremy] Go ahead. Go ahead, make your dinner.

Alicia backs out of the kitchen, forcing Wallace behind her.

ALICIA: Come with me Wallace, come on. You-you set an example for your brother, now.

WALLACE: That’s exactly what I plan on doing, ma.

Wallace glares at Jeremy, who stares back at him.

ALICIA: Listen to me, listen to me, come on.

Alicia pulls Wallace away.


Veronica lets Wallace in. He marches past her.

VERONICA: You ready to put the hurt on that Pythagorean Theorem?

WALLACE: Oh, you don’t even wanna mess with me on that today. I just about murked my mom’s crazy, no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.

VERONICA: That guy’s sleazy so I hope “murked” means something bad. You know, my dad’s still got that sheriff sheen. He’s great at scaring people away.

WALLACE: No, I got it covered.

Keith comes out of his bedroom.

VERONICA: Seriously, you should talk to him.

KEITH: Am I giving you the birds and bees again, Wallace?

VERONICA: Wallace’s mom is having trouble with her tenant. Dude’s a bit unstable. Wallace got in a fight with him today.

WALLACE: It’s really not a big deal.

KEITH: I’ll stop by, it’ll take two seconds.

WALLACE: I don’t even know when he’ll be home, Mr Mars.

KEITH: Wallace. It’s nothing. Just leave the address for me, will ya? ‘kay?

VERONICA: Don’t worry. It’s his speciality. Bustin’ heads and breakin’ hearts.


Meg and Veronica sit side by side in one of Mrs Murphy’s classes. As the teacher talks, Veronica leans over to Meg.

MRS MURPHY: This was written in 1928…

VERONICA: So, I found out that this version of the purity test was originally published in “Grind Girl” magazine.

MEG: My sister subscribes to that.

VERONICA: I know. She’s the only person at Neptune High who does.

Mrs Murphy notices.

MRS MURPHY: Veronica. You seem to be in a sharing mood. Why don’t you tell us your position on this?

As Veronica is pondering her response, she is saved by the dick.

DICK: All fours.

The class laughs.

MRS MURPHY: Dick Casablancas. You can see me after class.

Dick gives Veronica a dirty look as she wags her finger at him.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Congratulations, Dick. You just made my list.


Keith rings the doorbell. Alicia opens the door.

KEITH: Hi, Mrs Fennel? I’m Keith Mars, Veronica’s father.

ALICIA: Your daughter’s not here.

KEITH: I know. Wallace mentioned that trouble you were having with the tenant and I thought I could be some help.

ALICIA: Well, thanks, but I have it under control.

KEITH: It’s no trouble at all.

ALICIA: Look. If I have a problem, I’ll go to the police.

KEITH: Wallace was concerned.

ALICIA: Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll worry about my children, you worry about yours.

Keith nods and Alicia shuts the door. As Keith leaves the porch, he sees the mailbox for the tenant: Jeremy Masterson.


Veronica’s cell phone rings. She doesn’t recognise the caller ID.


TELEPHONE: Ellen White, please.

Veronica freezes for a moment.

VERONICA: Speaking.

TELEPHONE: I’m calling to set up a visitation with Abel Koontz. He’s agreed to see you this Friday between two and four. Prison guidelines are as follows…

Veronica starts to write furiously.

TELEPHONE: No cameras permitted inside…


Veronica is working on one of the outdoor tables, close to an 09er table containing Duncan, Cole, Dick and John Enbom.

DUNCAN: So now it comes out. Meg was one of those Britney Spears virgins, huh.

Veronica looks over at him with distaste.

DUNCAN: And you were her noble Justin, just keeping it all on the down low.

COLE: [doing a Bill Clinton impersonation] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

The boys laugh.

DICK: Come on, man, we know you did. The sweet ones always turn out to be the freakiest.

COLE: No, man, Meg’s a good girl, really good. Good at everything she does. And she does do everything.

Lizzie, standing nearby, has heard enough. She marches up to Cole.

LIZZIE: Keep it up, hot shot. Everyone’s so impressed. Hey, maybe I should post some of the love poems you wrote to Meg. I know where she keeps ‘em, you know.

COLE: Meg always said you were immature.

LIZZIE: Funny. According to her purity test, you were always premature.

COLE: Shut up, Lizzie.

LIZZIE: Stop talking about my sister, Cole.

COLE: You don’t even like her.

LIZZIE: Maybe not, but I love her.

Lizzie walks away, straight towards Veronica who beckons her over.

LIZZIE: What’s up, Veronica? Want to interrogate me some more?

VERONICA: Why, yes, I do. I was supposed to meet Meg here after lunch. Do you know where she is?

LIZZIE: She didn’t come to school today.

VERONICA: Is she all right?

LIZZIE: Let’s just say my parents have stopped bugging me to be more like her.

Lizzie walks off, leaving Veronica looking concerned.


Meg sits up in bed, piling up the tissues on the floor next to it. Veronica sits at the end of the bed.

MEG: First my dad wanted to sue the school or kill whoever posted that score and then he searched my room.

VERONICA: For what? Your porn stash?

MEG: [strangled laugh] No. There were these letters I got from a guy I met in Spain. He had a crush on me and wrote all this sexy stuff. Dad kind of flipped out. Told me I was acting just like Lizzie.

VERONICA: That must have been fun.

MEG: After everything else, I was, I was just too decimated to make it to school today. I don’t see how you do it.

VERONICA: Do what?

MEG: Deal. The way people talk about you. Does it bother you, the things they say?

VERONICA: No. Here’s what you do. You get tough, you get even.

MEG: [laughs] Really?

VERONICA: Works for me.

Veronica stands and turns to face Meg.

VERONICA: And you are going to school tomorrow. And you’re not taking crap from anyone.

Meg gives a rueful smile.


As Alicia, Wallace, and his little brother Darrell enter, they pause.

WALLACE: What the hell is that?

ALICIA: Oh my god, its gas.

She rushes them out onto the porch.

ALICIA: Come on.

WALLACE: I’ve got to turn it off.

ALICIA: Wai-wai-wait. Cover your mouth.

She give Wallace her scarf.

WALLACE: All right.

ALICIA: Cover your mouth.

Wallace heads for the kitchen.

ALICIA: Hurry up.

Wallace reaches the stove and turns off the gas. He races back out to the porch.


ALICIA: Hurry up, hurry up. Are you okay?

WALLACE: Yeah, I’m okay.


WALLACE: [to Darrell] Are you okay?


ALICIA: Well, now we have something to go to the police with.

Cut to later. Deputy Sacks stands at the door of his vehicle outside the house.

DEPUTY SACKS: I’m sorry, there’s really nothing I can do to help. You’re gonna need to get a lawyer involved and file an eviction notice.

ALICIA: Best case, he won’t be out for 60 days.

Sacks shrugs.

ALICIA: Thanks. That’s very helpful.

WALLACE: Yeah. Real helpful.

The Fennels head back towards the house.

ALICIA: Come on.


Keith responds to a knock at the door as Veronica dries dishes.

KEITH: Wallace. Come on in.

WALLACE: Hello Mr Mars. Think I could crash on your couch tonight? My house is getting exterminated and we have to be out of the house for the night.

KEITH: Of course. Are you hungry? We just finished supper.

WALLACE: Thanks, yeah.

VERONICA: What happened?

WALLACE: Nothing.

VERONICA: Did you ever get over to talk to Mrs Fennel?

KEITH: Yeah. I went over there. Wallace’s mom had a plan and I didn’t want to overstep.

VERONICA: Overstepping is your main form of transportation.

KEITH: You know, I have to go back to the office and grab some stuff.

Keith leaves.

WALLACE: My mom thinks I’m staying at Norman’s house.

VERONICA: Who’s Norman?

WALLACE: Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, eagle-scout, [does air quotes] mama’s-boy, friend.

VERONICA: He sounds boring for an imaginary friend.

WALLACE: Mom seems to like him.

VERONICA: I guess she’d freak out if she knew you were staying at a girl’s house, huh? What? Not the flashing thing again?

WALLACE: Let’s just say the old biddies over at the Kane Software rumour mill are filling her head with a lot of garbage.

VERONICA: Not a big fan of the Mars family, huh?

WALLACE: I know. It’s whack.

VERONICA: I get it. It’s fine. Want some popcorn?

WALLACE: Yeah, thanks.

Veronica puts the popcorn in the microwave, looking a little sad.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Does it ever bother me, what people say? Okay, maybe once and a while. Depends who’s listening.


Keith looks up Jeremy’s name on the computer. He finds that Jeremy has a record for various offences including passing bad cheques and public nuisance.


Jeremy enters the dark kitchen. When he opens the refrigerator, he is startled by Keith, sitting on a stool just beyond it, drinking from a bottle.

JEREMY: Who the hell are you?

KEITH: So you are moving out. You have until, let’s say, um, 6am. That gives you, oh, six hours to pack up all your stuff.

JEREMY: Yeah, I’m not going anywhere.

As Jeremy closes the fridge and leaves, Keith just takes another swig from his bottle.


As the clock turns from 5:59 to 6:00, the alarm sounds. Jeremy turns it off and rolls over. Keith is sitting on the floor by the bed. Jeremy is shocked.

KEITH: 6am, big boy. Time to get going.

JEREMY: You can’t be in here.

KEITH: You think you’re pretty clever, huh? Taking advantage of a single mom, sixteen-year-old kid, huh? Okay, well, it’s over. You’re out.

JEREMY: This is my apartment.

KEITH: It stopped being your apartment two minutes ago. So what do you think? You ready to impress me with your nuttiness, ‘cause I hear that’s your schtick. Come on, son, perform for me. Let’s see the show, let’s see if you can scare me.

Jeremy just stares at him, not moving.

KEITH: Is that it, is that all you got? That’s nothing. You wanna see crazy? You pay attention, ‘cause this is gonna get good.

Keith barks and screams, and then shakes Jeremy out of bed.

KEITH: See that was crazy. Now I want you to pack your bags and get out. You’re never to bother Mrs Fennel again. You don’t talk to her, you don’t drop by, you never lived here, right? [shouts] Right?

JEREMY: Right.


Keith lounges in a chair on the porch with a newspaper and a cup of coffee. Jeremy is moving out. Keith smiles.


Veronica gets her bag together. Wallace is searching for something.

WALLACE: Could you use your investigative skill to help me find my keys?


Keith enters with a small bag.

VERONICA: You got breakfast?

KEITH: Don’t act like this isn’t usual. Wallace will think I did it for him.

WALLACE: I know you did. Have you seen my keys?

Keith reaches into his pocket and pulls out keys.

KEITH: Well, what do you know? The last place you’d think to look.

Keith throws him the keys and chuckles as he heads for his bedroom.


Veronica leans over to watch Mac work at a computer.

MAC: Ten bucks a pop, man. Somebody’s getting rich. I know some kids who have ordered dozens.

VERONICA: Did you order any?

MAC: Think that I have ten dollars to spare? You’ve seen my car, right?

VERONICA: Can you email me the dummy corporation info anyway? There might be something.

Mac strikes some keys, then rises to let Veronica take the seat in front of the computer. Veronica pulls up the Neptune page and logs in (Student ID #22593). She is denied access (error #45).

VERONICA: The computer won’t let me access my account.

Mac, now leaning over Veronica’s shoulder, taps a key to bring up the details.

MAC: Somebody’s logged on as you right now.

Mac strokes a few more keys.

MAC: It says they’re on a computer in the journalism room.

The bell rings as they race to the computer room. By the time they get there, the room is empty. Veronica sees one of the computers is live and sits before it.

MAC: So how hush-hush are the contents of your mailbox?

VERONICA: Just homework and class schedules. Anything on the QT, I keep in my personal email, not my Neptune- Oh god.

MAC: What?

VERONICA: My outbox. There’s an email from me to my ex-boyfriend.

MAC: Duncan Kane?

Veronica looks at Mac with surprise.

MAC: You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are, just…in a different way. So what does it say?

VERONICA: [reads] Dear Duncan. I want you to know that I still love you very much and I think about you constantly. Every time I see you, my heart breaks. I need to tell you that when we were dating I had [with horror] VD. I hope you didn’t catch anything from me…

Veronica turns to face Mac.

VERONICA: Am I naked, because in my nightmares, I’m usually naked.

A noise from the computer attracts the attention of both of them. There is a message on screen from “Froggy” asking “where’d u go?”

MAC: Someone wants to chat with whoever’s pretending to be you.

VERONICA: They think I’m still whoever was on my account.

MAC: But the bell’s rung. They’d know that whoever it is would have left for their next class.

VERONICA: Unless they’re not at school.

Veronica types, speaking aloud as she does.

VERONICA: Can you get a password for me.

The response is prompt.

VERONICA: Another one? [to Mac] We have all the information we need.

Veronica hurries out with Mac trailing.

MAC: We do? Wait, Veronica. Who is Froggy, do we know? Who’s Froggy?


The LeBaron pulls a distance away from a parked car.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: There’s just one frog who knows everyone at Neptune High’s password and I followed him to the low rent version of Lovers’ Lane, Inspiration Rock Quarry and while there’s nothing more satisfying than solving a case…

Veronica races up to the parked car and takes flash pictures of its occupants.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: …there’s something seedy about being the interruptus in someone else’s coitus.

As the camera flashes away, the occupants become increasingly noisy in their distress.


Veronica stands by her locker with a file in her hand. As she refers to each of a number of individuals, they pass by.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Who would want to sully the reputation of the nicest girl in school? Cole, the sexually deprived boyfriend? Pam, the type-A tightass debutante? Lizzie, the oversexed, overlooked, little sister? Or single white female, Kimmy?

Veronica beckons Kimmy over.

VERONICA: Hey, Kimmy, check this out. I followed our IT guy around last night. Guess where he ended up?

KIMMY: Oh my god.

VERONICA: I heard the purity test website is gonna start posting pictures to illustrate the questions. Wouldn’t these be perfect?

Veronica starts flicking the pictures.

VERONICA: Look. Number 23, have you ever touched it? Well, I guess you have. This here’s a stellar example of number 78 and this one, whoa, I think my score went down just looking at that. Although it would be hard to score below a 14, wouldn’t it Kimmy?

KIMMY: Why are you doing this?

VERONICA: Because you messed with the wrong person. You don’t even know me and you posted that test for me.

KIMMY: No, I didn’t.

VERONICA: Stop lying. I know you got my password from Renny. You know, he’s 23, you’re seventeen. I don’t think they allow conjugal visits in prison.

KIMMY: Please, it wasn’t me.

VERONICA: Then who was it?

KIMMY: It was Pam. Pam posted the test for you. She hates you because Duncan is still hung up on you. I only posted Meg’s, I swear.

VERONICA: Why would you do that?

KIMMY: She gets everything I want. Everything. The lead in the musical, cheerleader, the anchor job.

Veronica beams.

VERONICA: Thanks, Kimmy.

Veronica opens her locker and takes out the video camera.

KIMMY: What did you- Oh, god.

VERONICA: So, your boyfriend was the one running the purity test website, right?


VERONICA: Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off? You and Pam aren’t smart enough to pull that off.

KIMMY: Seriously! He didn’t even know why I wanted the passwords. I don’t think he even knows the purity test exists.

Veronica frowns and walks away. She checks the camera and smiles.

KIMMY: Wait, what are you gonna do with that tape?


Meg brings in some tapes and hands them to another student.

MEG: This is the debate club piece, the school board meeting and the lacrosse team.

STUDENT: Okay, no problem.

STUDENT: Hurry Meg.

Meg races to the anchor desk.

STUDENT: And you’re live in five, four, three, two…

The news starts.


Veronica and Duncan, in the same class as before, watch.

MEG: Last night’s victory continued the winning streak for the Pirate lacrosse team. Kevin Stockland has a story.

Instead, Veronica’s tape starts, to everyone’s surprise.

KIMMY: Please, it wasn’t me.

VERONICA: Then who was it?

KIMMY: It was Pam.


Pam and Kimmy sit behind camera, watching. Meg glares at Pam who in turn throws an evil look at an uncomfortable Kimmy.

KIMMY: Pam posted the test for you. She hates you because…


KIMMY: …Duncan is still hung up on you.

Duncan raises his eyebrows while Veronica cringes a little.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Note to self, cue tape for client.

KIMMY: I only posted Meg’s, I swear.


Meg looks over at Kimmy.

VERONICA: Why would you do that?

KIMMY: She gets everything I want. Everything. The lead in the musical, cheerleader, the anchor job.

VERONICA: Thanks, Kimmy.

KIMMY: Wait, what did you-

The original broadcast of the lacrosse team resumes.

KEVIN: And last night’s lacrosse match with the Point Pleasant Raiders…

Meg continues to stare at Kimmy. Pam turns to Kimmy.

PAM: You dumb, wanna-be-stalker, freak show.

Pam stands.

KIMMY: I had to tell her.

PAM: Of course you did. Because you’re spineless.

Kimmy, increasingly upset, stands too.

PAM: Please start crying ‘cause you’re not pathetic enough as it is already. Nice hair cut by the way. Does Meg know you bring her picture to Fantastic Sam’s?

Kimmy runs out in tears. Pam laughs harshly and claps.

PAM: Very dramatic, Kimmy. Very Meg.

Meg, and all the others in the studio, stare hard at Pam. Music: Don’t Let It Get You Down by Spoon.

LYRICS: Don’t let it get you down
Don’t let it get you down
Don’t let it get you down
Don’t let it get you down

Pam looks around.

PAM: [aggressively] What?


Veronica walks past Dick. His car engine is steaming.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: All fours, huh, Dick? You mess with the bull.

Mac honks as she passes Veronica in a brand new Beetle.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: There was really only one person smart enough to set up the purity test. How can I resent someone who took sex-crazed 09ers for their allowance money?

As Veronica reaches her car, Meg approaches.

MEG: I was looking for a white horse.

VERONICA: Ooh. So now I’m your knight in shining armour?

MEG: Pretty much. All of a sudden everyone’s running up to me saying how they never believed I did those things. Cole, even. Not that I care.

VERONICA: I’m glad. Funny. No one’s come running up to me.

MEG: It’s because people are afraid of you.

VERONICA: Then something’s working.

MEG: Getting tough? Yeah, that was good advice. And I needed that. The getting even part? You might want to rethink that one.

Meg goes to leave, but then turns back.

MEG: You do have friends, Veronica.

Meg smiles and walks away. Veronica thinks for a moment, then sees Duncan. She runs to catch up with him.


End music: Don’t Let It Get You Down by Spoon.



VERONICA: Somebody stole my computer password and used it to sent fake emails from me to you so I don’t have VD, I’ve never had VD and I don’t still love you. Just so that you know.

DUNCAN: Good. ‘Cause, I’m not, you know, still hung up on you or anything.

VERONICA: I never thought you were.

They pause awkwardly, then Veronica turns to go.

DUNCAN: Wait. You don’t have VD? ‘Cause I keep getting this thing on my lip and I’m not sure who I could’ve gotten it from…

Veronica punches him and they smile at each other. Duncan gives her a little wave as he turns to walk away.


Alicia enters cautiously as Keith makes coffee in the kitchenette. On seeing her, he pours her a coffee.

ALICIA: So. My tenant moved out. Wallace said I have you to thank for it.

KEITH: I know how the law works. Slowly. And I was-I was worried. For Wallace.

ALICIA: The fact that you helped me, even though I was awful to you? You’re a very decent man.

KEITH: Yeah, I’d like to think that but really I just like tossing people out, it’s kind of a hobby.

ALICIA: I don’t know if you’ve heard some of the things they say about you.

KEITH: Oh, I know, trust me. I barely let me socialise with myself. I’m a bad influence.

Alicia sips and then chokes on the coffee.

ALICIA: Do you have any sugar?

KEITH: Oh, yeah.


Veronica enters the visiting area and walks slowly round towards Abel Koontz.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: They say the truth will set you free. And I’m looking for the truth in a maximum security prison. Don’t worry. The irony isn’t lost with me.

She sits before the glass divider in front of him and picks up the internal phone.

KOONTZ: [grinning] Ellen. Well aren’t you a breath of fresh air.

VERONICA: I want to thank you for taking the time to meet with me, Mr Koontz.

KOONTZ: It’s always nice to chat with a hometown girl. Do you ever get back to good old Stallingsburg for the pear blossom festival?

VERONICA: You mean apple blossom.

KOONTZ: Of course.

VERONICA: Just bought my tickets for May.

KOONTZ: You know, you remind me of someone. How old are you, Ellen?

VERONICA: Twenty-two.

KOONTZ: She must have been the same age when I knew her. Hmm. I shouldn’t bore you with ancient history. Now, what shall we chat about?

VERONICA: Well, I found these photographs online.

Veronica holds up the photos of Lilly’s shoes.

VERONICA: I think they could prove you didn’t take Lilly’s shoes the night of the murder. It might be enough evidence to get you a retrial.

KOONTZ: Now why would I want a retrial when I could have all this?

VERONICA: Somebody had to plant those shoes on your houseboat. You never saw Lilly Kane in your life. Why would you confess to killing her?

KOONTZ: So you’re one of those. What will it take for Keith Mars to let sleeping dogs lie? [evilly] Do you wanna know exactly how I bashed your friend’s brains in? Oh. I know who you are, Veronica Mars. I knew your mom when she used to visit the office during lunch hours.

VERONICA: I don’t believe you.

KOONTZ: You’re a very dedicated young lady. Certainly you didn’t inherit that quality from poor scattered Lianne. Unfortunately for you, that makes you your father’s daughter.

VERONICA: My dad tried to save your life.

KOONTZ: I meant your real father. Think about it Veronica. Look in a mirror. Are you the product of a schluppy sheriff or the king and queen of the prom?

Veronica is shocked. Koontz is satisfied and smiles.


Veronica walks to her car. She climbs in and starts to sob. She remains in the car, crying, as the camera pulls back. End. Executive producer: Rob Thomas (who is a god).